How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Secretsister, I hear ya. My mother is fine (according to staff) until I arrive. Then she puts on this show. I don't worry about it. When the time comes I can get all the documentation I need. I won't give that woman that kind of power.

I did have to laugh though because my NPD mother thought she had me.... LOL I was asked by the staff to buy some Head & Shoulders shampoo, etc because of their lack of bathing there are scalp issues (oh the staff gets them to shower now LOL, another funny story).

So I went shopping for this shampoo, dropped it off about a week or so ago. Mom this weekend says to me, "Thanks a lot. Since you brought that shampoo now we have to have a shower tonight by staff." I tried keeping a straight face when I blew off her complaint.

I also found out that there is only one staff member who gets my parents into the shower regardless of what they say or how they put up a fuss. I met this girl for the first time and I hugged her! She laughed and she said she puts up with no fussing, she just gets them in. She said my father get so angry but she says he gets over it as soon as she gets him in the bathroom.

You just do what you can, how you can. Again, support the staff that cares for them. Stand in the truth and don't let her rattle you. Mental disease is the hardest. Remaining calm, direct and truthful (with documentation) and putting God first in all you do is the best you can do for her. Anything she does of her own free will of choice is beyond your abilities or control.

Hello ladies. It's been awhile. I went downstate to work on mom and dad's house, and get some winter clothes (ha ha) for mom, and a chair. Filled my empty van, and dropped it off this weekend. That should disqualify all her written arguments to the judge, except for the new ones she creates in her sick mind.

It's hard to be around her. We (hubby went with me) went to her apartment today, and she is so argumentative and ugly. Very hard to deal with, so we just left. I arranged for transportation for her to her last chemotherapy treatment this week, and went to tell her so. She refused my ride home, so I will record that in my journal, and let her complain about me. I tape record everything, so if she wants to complain, all I have to do is prove her argumentativeness, complaining, etc. I will call the doctor rather than go with her, and explain why. As her Guardian, they will talk to me, and I'll wait on them to direct. Other than that, I buy groceries, supply her with a tiny bit of spending money, and will leave her be.

I don't think I'll pursue mom's Psychiatrist appointment, as it is expensive to have her just sit around complaining about me. I'll call to see which page he's on, and if it's not for her diagnosis, then I will discontinue those appointments. I was already told she has a PD, and will get worse, by the Geriatric Assessment Team. What more do I need? (Besides a good Support Group for me.) Let her cry to her enabling "friends," and not pay some quacktor; I mean "doctor" to listen.

I am ready for the beach. It's been so beautiful, but I haven't been yet, and may have to go without my husband, because summer is almost gone. If he wants to stay and work, fine, but my nine year old and I are going away, because I desperately need it before the cold sets in. Soon, possibly this week if the sun keeps shining up north. But asap, will suit me.

I'm packing my stuff and we can head to the beach, sis, lol. I feel terrible for saying this but it is so much calmer with mom not here. Mind you, I do love her, and hope to bring her home sometime, but I feel like the tension and the weight of the world kind of lifted.
I know what you mean about people feeling suspicious. I was feeling that way at church before the big abuse accusation. I knew something was going on and I was right. Take care of yourself sis..and remember we're here for you.

Yes mine to you know what I do not accomdate those kind of things we are safe we have locks and if she wants to visit the man next door in the empty house that plays the horn I say go for it momma LOL I know I am bad but it saves my sanity and I don't jump like I used to I just say yep god idea and forget about it usually she does to if not I so oh my goodness i forgot all about it LOL not spending money for nothing she does that all by hersself. But yes its always something. she picks on my cats and they hate her guess what they have claws hehehe well she picked on one how dumb is it to swipe your hand at a cat well Peppermint Pattie said who the hell are you woman I was here first and swiped her back LOL mom says I won't play with you anty more and she wasn't playing she was shooing her away. if my mother only knew that she could have a freiend if she wasn't so hateful it's very relaxing to me to sit and pet one. It hurts us because we want that beaver cleaver relationshp with our folks, but the facts are there are more of us than there are Cleavers the only commonality that we have with the cleaversz is that some of our family members maY USE A CLEAVER. AND WITH THAT I AM OUTTA HERE.

Neon, yep here we have the same summarization as we have all seen. Now let's all take heed, that these folks are toxic, as toxic as toxic waste plants produce, except this waste is coming from the grey matter in their sick minds.

Thanks for posting it, it's a good reminder!!!!

Neon, I have the same problem with my mom, an infatuation with the mail. Now she's been complaining that she can't see the keyhole to the mailbox when she tries to unlock it. Well she's the paranoid that wanted a locked mailbox, (more prompting from her paranoid sister and sister's boyfriend). After we had just spent 200 dollars on a new deadbolt lock on the front door and me getting more spare keys made for the lock below it..now she wants a door with a mail slot which I think is even more dangerous, due to people can put snakes etc into your house. I am saying that because she did have some low life heavy metal slime that was living across the street. And of course she had to fight with them, so they did many things to the house over the years. I am glad they moved away several years ago, they were a blight on the street. Now everyone is normal...well cept for mom. Well I always thought these types of mail drops where kinda dangerous if someone wanted to get back at ya. So I am trying to get her off that idea. Maybe I can convince her to leave the box unlocked...so she just has to pull it open....lets see if that will work. There is always something she has to peep up about, to always keep the attention on her. Seems it keeps them alive. For cripes sakes!

I just received ths,,,,

Toxic relationships is a relationship that doesn't work. It produces negative physical and mental health consequenses for its partners. The relationship is not simply a pattern of repeating disagreements, bickering, or periodic feelings of incomparibility. Instead, tox relationships fuel worsening self0esteem and negative views of oneself. Fear of the other person because of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse is not uncommon. Toxic relationships are not characterized by reciprocal "give and take" or "I/you" conversations. Interactions in which each party feels respected and supported, heard, and valued are rare to nonexistent. Feeling shackled by patterns of dysfunctional behavior that leave you feeling drained is more common. it can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that you are in a toxic relationship ( I think all of us recognize that fact as we are here) It can be even harder to determine what to do about it. You need support. A professional counselor, employee assistance professional, or other mental health professional can offer perspective and help. You can discover how to feel safe and explore whether there is some way to intervene and mske the changes necessary to salvage the relationship.
***********
Nost of us are dealing with mothers with NPD some with fathers. We have to heal ourselves because we have been damaged and we can give care but we should put our selves first. I will be the first to say my dealings with my mother have infected every relationship I have ever had including the one I have with my husband. Never again will she have my power, ever, ever, ever. I will take care of her needs that is all I will do we can't even hsve a conversation about anything wexcept her and I am learning finally to tune her out. want to know how? I come home from work relax on the porch a place she will never go unless she races to the mail box thinking someone might see her mail. LOL than do what I have to do "quickly" than get on my computer and play chicapets its fun and relaxing and I can be a child something I neve was and I can think of nothing but what I am doing let me know I'll send you a referral than she can talk a blue streaK AND ALL i HAVE TO DO IS NOD MY HEAD EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE AND THAN SHE GOES BACK TO HER ROOM JUST TOO COOL lol STUPID SPLINT AND i'M NOT RETYPING lol

Secret Sis,....WHY THE HELL DO YOU LISTEN TO HER....don't let her get to you, that is her NPD FODDOR. They live on that stuff more than food, and you are letting her. Remember I told you about my mom's psychotherapist telling me the same. Well you have to do it. DO NOT LISTEN. Do your job as caretaker and nothing else. I am sorry to hear that the psych you took her too was a numbnuts. If they are not totally familiar with these disease then they scoff it. I am disgusted those are the only meds she is on. What an idiot, wait till she causes some big disruption. And you know how you can create that...IGNORE FOR FOR AWHILE. You are giving her the feed she thrives on....leave her be for awhile...let her make a big commotion and then we will see if they hop her up on some psych meds....that will float her ass down from those lofty stars she seems to hop about on.

Sorry about the post, but I hate seeing you suffer on and on by the words of a MADWOMAN! ;-) big hug g/f and to all you gals (and guy if you are still here) on here, the Too Big of a Heart Club ;-)

Secretsister, my heart goes out to you. It is very hard to care for someone like your mother. I get it because my mother performed and had an act for each audience, husband, siblings, church, her friends, neighbors, doctors, etc. It was sickening to watch.

But as her behavior accelerated, she buried herself. The doctor caught on to her antics and would ask me questions, once I proved I was POA and they could talk to me. I have finally gotten to a point where when people challenge me with mom, fine. I look at my husband and say "You tell them." From that time on they believe it with their jaw dropped or they don't. From there I really don't give a rip.

I understand you are her guardian, but perhaps the best thing is to let her bury herself at this point. Yes, you have put in all your energy, time and family into doing all the legal etc, but why get yourself into a bigger lather? Let her reap exactly what she is sowing.

When my mom gets mad at me, I just simply tell her well if you hadn't done ____ this would not have happened, since you also did this ___ its beyond my control. I let her swim in her own stew so to speak.

Its frustrating and I know what a brat mine is, so I can't imagine if I was getting accused of abuse. Although now too many people know me and the truth so....

Hang in there! Don't give up. But definitely do not let her behaviors consume you. Then she has already won.

This can't hurt, the next time you visit your mother and she starts ,,,, just very caalmly say, mother this isn't working for mem, do you have any suggestions? if she still tries to yank your chanins, say calmly, mother this still isn't working for me and leave than let her think on it a few days . Do this a few visits, if she is as obstinate as ine it will take a few says, she will either get it or she won't after that you could try It may be helful mother, to think about it in this way and give her an examplek, I find when mine gets all riled up about something which is very unimportant like her possessions which are all sitting all over my house not being used I tell her there is no need to get defensive and that our house is getting smaller and we have to accomodate everyone and all she needs to do is ask and someone will make sure she has what she "needs" Its hard but it can work when they find you are not being suciked into her anger, I do know how it hurts when you are the only one doing things for her and helping to the best of your ablity which by the way is supberb. and they drag you thru the mud I have to laugh at one point writing letters, mom was dragging the entire family thru the mud but she made a mistake she sent the wrong letters to the wrong people and than they said oh what the hell is this I said welcome to my world LOL

The Geriatric Assessment Specialty Clinic's Social Worker called me back yesterday, in answer to my request for a second referral. She said she was sorry the Psychiatrist mom saw disagreed with their findings. I asked if they could refer me to someone who could do more testing, beyond the simple cognitive exam already given. Mom passes 28-30/30 each time. What they don't test for is judgement. She said there's nothing more they can do. She said they see mom as a "pretty ill lady, (as you know) with really serious problems." They see this as a Psychiatric problem, and are referring me for further help and treatment. She told me, "Perhaps with medications and psychotherapy, someone can make a dent in her anger and paranoid delusions."

It helps to gain their perspective, and to hear what others are observing. To me, this is "just mom," but she is often outrageous in her manipulations. But, I do not have anything substantial in writing, and would like documentation of what they are saying to me verbally. As for help, I am not holding my breath.

So far, mom is on her own, in a subsidized senior apartment building. It's like a sorority to her, as she flits about from room to room, having a grand old time badmouthing me. She tells them I'm abusing her each time I deny her the latest demand for "more money," etc. She doesn't understand limitations, budget, or restrictions. She doesn't try to talk with me, just demand more, and more and more. This week it's pudding and snacks. She is keeping things neat and clean. She isn't burning the place down, and she is dressing every day, for her social gatherings. The only problem is her angst against me, so we limit our time with her, and try to sidestep the tantrums. This sounds mild, but it is increasing in nature against me. It's hard for her daughter (me). Nothing to "treat" here, really. She is not harming herself or others, besides my "reputation" with her outlandish claims. Bummer for that, but who cares? If they want to listen to that, bummer for them. So long as Social Services is not knocking on my door, I probably shouldn't worry.

In the meantime, I think I hear the beach calling.

I am almost packed ready to be a beach bum we can celebrate my birthday next month on the beach for the ripe OLD age of 61 hopefully with a hurricane so I can feel something than write LOL

.

Hello again, Mitzi. I have talked to two ladies from the court already (several times) concerning my mom. One is an administrative assistant, and professional Guardian; the other a Guardian, and my dad and FIL's Guardian ad Litem. Both have been very generous with their time, and helpful with their counsel. They say they are accused of abuse "all the time," by those in their charge. I also talk with another who runs our county Adult Day Services, and chairs several monthly Dementia/Alzheimer's Support Groups, which I attend as able. They have been wonderful in terms of resources and support. They have helped me tremendously, and have left their doors wide open to me at any time. Many, many professional have done so, and have been such a blessing to me. They have helped me over some very rough territory, and guided me along.

Unfortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train. With mom's PD diagnosis just two months ago, it's been an entirely new learning curve for me. They predict she will become much much worse. Wow! Hard to imagine. Can you say, "runaway freight train"? So, buckle your seatbelts, everyone! Tickets, please. Next stop: Mama Drama Traumaville. The place I grew up in, and didn't really understand. How do we stop this train? Can I get off now? Help! Let me out of here!

Most of the time, things have been OK. Till lately. Her poor treatment of me is escalating. Her complaints against me are growing. Her whining is increasing. Her false accusations, and delusions are popping out at the scenes. Her target is me. And people are believing her, and are suspicious of me. This is a deadly game. I feel sometimes as though I'm losing.

I called the Geri Assessment Clinic today, who originally diagnosed her, to ask for their advice and a second referral, saying I wanted a second opinion from the Psychiatrist mom saw two days ago. I was mad he disagreed with some of the Geri Clinician's findings. He was too neutral to read, so I am not sure what he is thinking or of his impression of mom or me. I do intend to ask him. Mom refused me entrance to her visit with him, and wouldn't let me join them later. He did talk to me, but it was not comfortable for me. I want someone who will hear me, take me seriously, and offer a plan. I haven't found that person yet.

They gave me a couple of referrals, and said they couldn't help me with much more than that. They did say they would support me by sending their recomendations to whomever I was working with, and ar willing to be of any assistance I ask. They've been so supportive, that I wish all her treatment could take place with them, but that is not their purpose. So I must travel on. Next stop: Destination Unknown.

I have no hopes of mom getting better, beyond a miracle. And right now, not everyone sees what I see, or hears what I hear. There will come a day when she can no long hide it. But right now, she got some fooled. This will be interesting! And I doubt one could pin neglect on me. She's stealing my thoughts, energy, time and emotions. I do most everything for her (though never "correctly," according to her). This will be an interesting journey.

Hawaii, anyone? I'd even settle for U.S. HWY2. I'm there in my dreams. There's got to be something better than sacrificing ourselves to mentally ill people. I say we all go to the beach. Anyone in? LOL

Dear Ladies, you are all so sweet and caring!

Piratess, nice to hear from you; it's been a while. Good to hear your mom's doing OK, but sad to hear you have health issues to deal with. Hope all is OK with you. I've missed your posts. Mom is taking Zoloft for depression (which the new Psychiatrist says she doesn't have, but he didn't prescribe it). She also has been prescribed Xanax (generic: Alprazolam) for anxiety. This she is not taking at present, awaiting a second opinion.

Lucy, seems things went better than you expected in getting her there. Thank God. I pray this is a good fit for your mom and for your family. Now you can rest a little easier, knowing she is in good hands, and you can attend to your husband's very important needs right now. Again, thank God!

Mitzi, I'll address in a second post. Thank you all.

Thank you mitzi. It helps to know its not just me and my mom.

Lucy, I will tell you this from talking to AL staff. They told me all residents hate the person who put them there. Sometimes residents get over it, sometimes they do not.

Hon, regardless of what's said, still, it hurts (our mother is insulting us). My mother has said and done some horrible things to me as well. You just keep taking care of her the best that you can. Love on the AL staff, lend them an ear to vent, and listen to them. It will all help in working to care for mom knowing they are caring for her and you will definitely feel more at ease.

((((((((Lucy)))))))))))

Hope nothing serious is going on Piratess (medically) for you. I know the stress of dealing with this can get you down.
Mom is now in assisted living. Transcare (the people who brought her from behavioral health) said she was a peach. Well at least until she got to the AL. Then she didn't want to get out. She is very mad at me and let me know but she was a sweetheart to everyone else. I left after she made a few remarks about me being fat and laughing. The owner kind of scolded her for that. It just rolls off me now. I know I'm fat. Its the other stuff she says that really hurts.

Hi Gals,
Checking in with you all. So far things are stable at mommy dearest's home. Thanks to the heavens, I need to attend to medical issues I am now facing.

Secret Sis, Did the psychaitrist prescribe psych meds for your mom?

All I can speak of is from my experience. A year ago when my mother went especially overboard... (totally traumatic), she ended up in the hospital. Well by God's grace and goodness, I was able to get a psychiatrist to see her. I had talked to the hospital staff, social worker, etc, but they couldn't really see it. By a miracle of all miracles when the psychiatrist went in a second time, mom trapped herself talking about how she wanted to die. I was standing out in the hallway so she could not use me for answers. The psychiatrist came out and basically said I was right and that they were admitting her to geriatric psych.

Mom has been in geriatric psych twice within the last year. I only held my ground as to what the issues were in talking with staff. Mom did the rest completely on her own. When she and my father had to get into AL (pdq), she called me every name in the book and then some. The staff at first did not believe some of the things on the application I put, but after a year being with her now, I get sympathy and a lot of help.

Secret, as her guardian, maybe you should ask the courts what to do at this point because if you let ___ happen you may be called neglectful. If ___ happens, you could be liable, etc. Can you get an advisor or someone by your side other than family to be a witness to things?

I know for me, I tell people to ask my husband. He's been there through it all. He tells stories to people and their jaws hit the floor.

I still have the hope that she will choose to turn from her ways. I have a Christian counselor who goes in about once a week. I'll never forget after his first 20 min session with mom. When he talked to me, he said "I understand why you are so defensive." Pretty scary after 20 minutes!! I still provide opportunities for my mom to change, but I have my boundaries!! This mental disease is so sad.

I always tell those who "don't get my behavior" towards mom that my dad has Alzheimer's. He can't help the way he is. Mom, has been like this for a lifetime. She KNOWS and purposely does it. I don't need to tolerate anything. Hang in there ladies.

Remember, a day at a time!

Trish, thanks for the additional tip. We need several resources.

I meant to say, "in, or at" a casino... (I need to check before I hit enter.) Nice to see a photo.

For transportation check with county services, the Red Cross and Volunteers of America. You don't need an ambulance but sometimes ambulance companies have alternative ways to transport people, such as an "ambo-cab". In the for what it's worth category, you can claim the transportation as a medical expense for income taxes. You may also be able to find a reliable individual to take her for much less money.

Trish, thanks for your added insight and suggestion. Yes, my mom's doctor suggests a little dementia, as well. We have just hired Home Health people to help with transport, etc. My mom is resistant to the truth, which is to her demise, and to mine, I'm afraid. - Is that a picture of you a a casino?

Neon, I think Jesus would just love them where they're at. Or perhaps heal them, or perform some miracle. Only heaven knows.

psychotherapy can be very helpful for somebody who is able to have some insight into their behavior and is able to stick to a plan to try to relearn acceptable behaviors and responses. If your mother is also demonstrating some signs of dementia she is not capable of this. However, if you don't have to pay the psychotherapist, let it be. That is another person checking on her two times a week. He/she may also be invaluable in adding you to get a conservatorship. Who better to testify to your mother's mental incapacity.

Makes you wonder about some people who call themselves Christians doesn't it I wonder.... what would Jesus do?

well thats good to know I just might sell a few I felt that there is a need for more of this information to. Yes have to be like a owl but act like a dove. I hate it to.

I think there's a huge market for books like that! We are definitely not alone. You'll probably end up on some talk show, as well. That will make some people laugh.

Thanks for sharing the above tip. Good comeback. It steals the power right back, and diffuses her pointed jabs. Yuk. I hate living so defense/offfensively! It's like running the gauntlet. But I guess it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Hi you teo this is what I got from the psycholist yesterdat.

this one will be hard for me because my mind doesn't work this way and either does yours

#1 Be a relector ( l9ke a mirror) when she starts pushing your buttons he said "turn it back on her

#2 communication tools

say that won't work for me
It may be helpful to think about it this ay and come up with an alternative. I personally will have to work on these, years ago my mother took my oldest son away from me and i had to take her to court. no I wasn't a bad mother, no I didn't do drugs she is narciccistic and a controller Well his birthday is the 14th. she started already this past Sund.

" Oh haha I remember when we lived in dundlk and everybody thought Stephen was your brothers little sister, I sat for a moment and turned to her and smiled and said yes, I did have beautiful children didn't I? guess whar END OF CONVERSATION. i AM LEARNING DON'T LET THEM STEAL YOUR POWER THATS WHAT THEY WANT.

you DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO THEM.

I heart hurts for you because I DO understand all to well

As soon as I get this splint off my hand I am starting my book

"Living with narciccistic parents with a splash of Alcoholism. Think there will be a market??

Thank you. I'm going to cry. I'm a bit scared, too, because with all this love and compassion, I'm wondering what's around the corner with my mom!!! Some days I feel suspended, because the ball always drops. (Ok, never mind........back to: "ain't skeeeeerd!")

We have to laugh at that. (Now look who's paranoid.) lol

LOL, fofl

To Lucy and Sis,
You both amaze me with your strength and dedication to your families. God Bless you both and so glad you are here for each other and the rest of us.
Linda

Thanks sis. You're a hero of mine too. I was feeling really alone when I found this forum. I think God brought me here so I could see I wasn't the only one going through this sort of thing. You are in my prayers too.