.Hi, first of all, some context: I've been caring for my mother with Alzheimer's for several years. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout by a psychologist. She recommended that I change psychiatrists because she doesn't think my mother has the right medication, and I already have one in mind with good references, but until I save up the money...
I'm not American and I don't live in the United States, so I don't have access to the resources of your country.
The behaviors:
1. She follows me everywhere during the day, talking about her hallucinations, about how they want to hurt her or us. Sometimes she knows I'm her daughter, other times she says I'm a friend, and other times an enemy. Listen to her everyday almost all day ...I look for reasons to get out of the house.
2. One day I woke up at 3 a.m. and she was screaming out the window that she was being kidnapped and beaten. I woke up being insulted.
3. Every time I stop her from taking something or catch her damaging something, she gets dramatic, telling herself that nobody loves her and that she's worthless, or she says I'm evil and that I mistreat her.
4. Because of her habit of taking things from my bedroom, I made a small repair to the magnetic door, and she broke it, leaving the door flapping open like a fan.
5. On another occasion, she tried to wake me up, but I wouldn't wake up, so she decided to wake me by hitting me with a plate.
I don't know how to deal with her, how to calm her down or redirect her attention. I've read some tips, but they don't seem to work, and sometimes I just go sit in front of the 24/7 nearby or stay outside my apartment looking at my phone.
I used to love Christmas, but I haven't celebrated it for two years. Actually, I don't celebrate anything anymore.
My family exists, but they don't really exist. They've expressed good wishes and concern, but I don't see anyone visiting us... even though they've promised.
My social life revolves around a gaming community where I meet up to play together and chat with online.
I feel exhausted. My body tells me I have things to take care of, and overall I feel like this situation with my mother is taking years off my life.
Paranoia is common, and why wouldn't it be? She is in a place she doesn't know, with people she doesn't recognize, doing things she doesn't understand, but that feel, to her, threatening in some way. Telling her she can't do something might translate to her that she isn't "smart" enough to do things on her own. She may be very defensive, or understand that she did something wrong yet can't figure out what she did wrong, so she feels embarrassed. That might lead to the dramatic responses you described.
I worry about her wandering around by herself. Is there a way to put a hook and eye latch on *her* door, so that you don't have to worry about her coming in and hitting you with a plate? Or setting the place on fire? Can you confine her to a small area that has nothing dangerous in it?
I don't know what happens in your country to elderly people without relatives. Is there any place your mom could go that would be like a nursing home with aides around the clock? Is there a place like an adult day care in your area? Can you hire someone on a set schedule to get a few hours off here and there during the week? Can you ask your family members not just for "help" but a specific thing for them to do for you, such as babysitting your mom for 8 hours or even overnight on one day next week?
Can you go back to the old psychiatrist to get different medications that would calm your mom? She sounds like she is anxious and that must be awful. Is a psychiatrist the doctor you would see in your country to handle dementia? Can you get a different type of doctor to prescribe medications that will calm your mom?
I have read about Alzheimer's and it was difficult for me to assimilate, especially because of certain behaviors that she had before the disease appeared and still have them. The paranoia thing is a little more complicate she has strong hallucinations. For years now, she believes that there are people who wants to take away our apartment, that they want to rob us and also kill us, that they are going to dismember us, she said she saw how they killed a child and hid his body in the building, she speaks to the void and to objects as if they were people and through voices that tell her things, she also speaks to herself as if she were several people, including the man who wants to rob us.
The thing is so bizarre that she even started touching me and tried to seduce me while she was with that "male personality" that, according to her, also hits her and lately she's making me part of the conspiracy.
In my country the public health system has many problems and the options for mentally ill people are even more limited, anyway I am going to investigate. There are more options with private care but it is quite expensive.
My family knows my situation but they don't even visit us, I also have a brother but he is in another country..
I can't confine my mother to a room because all the doors inside the apartment have magnetic folding doors and even if she had a normal door she would probably scream out the window and throw things.
I have references for a doctor. I'm going to talk to my brother so he can help me because that doctor is a bit expensive but he is supported by the Alzheimer's Foundation in my country and he makes home visits, which is very important because my mother has crisis on the street.
I do not go back to the previous doctor because I believe that he is responsible for my mother being in this situation and therefore has also contributed to my Burnout diagnosis. I got tired of telling him how my mother's situation was getting worse and he never wanted to change her medication. He only told me to give her one more pill if she has a crisis. Furthermore, he is not so close at hand due to the situation of the public system, he only goes one day every two weeks and I never had his phone number because in general they do not share it unless they have a specific reason to give it out.
In the meantime you have some choices. Like installing a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door. One that locks from the inside and uses a key on the outside. Your mother no matter how out-of-it she is will not be able to break through that. It's for your own safety. When she gets violent call the police and have her removed. You also have a right to defend yourself from getting hurt by her.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years to many people with dementia or mental illness who were strong and fit but also violent. I never took an injury from any care client no matter how violent they were. My safety always came first before the client and anything else. Yours must also. You do what you have to so you can stay safe. You are alone in the home with a very dangerous person who's not in their right mind. That's very different than being in a care facility with a full staff and medical personel who can drug a person immediately to get them under control. If you are forced to defend yourself and she sustains an injury, so be it. Your safety must come first.
The two of you cannot live together anymore. It's not safe for either of you. Your mother has Alzheimer's. A person with Alzheimer's is not safe in a home where the only caregiver refuses to wake up. It's not safe for you because she is violent.
Tell your family that you're leaving and are planning on dropping her off at a hospital and letting social services put her somewhere. Then do it. If they step up to try to help you that's a win, but don't count on it.
You have to take care of yourself because no one else is going to. You have to protect your own health and safety because no one else is going to. If this means you have to abandon your mother, sadly that is what you will have to do.
I'm so sorry for your situation and good luck.
I remember that when I was 11 or 12 years old my mother was divorcing my stepfather and she panicked because apparently he wanted to keep the apartment and I was there seeing how to get her out of that state, I remember it well because I tried very hard so that she wouldn't be like that and as a result she calmed down. I didn't understand at the time, it wasn't that I simply wanted to cheer her up, I felt like it was my responsibility to make her feel good.
When I started helping my mother because she was beginning to show signs of Alzheimer's, due to family pressure, she brought my grandmother who had Alzheimer's to the apartment, supposedly she was going to take care of her. I made her a list of her medications and what time they were due because she didn't know, I posted the list on the wall and told her she looked at me smiling and said "and why are you here?" that's when I started to see that she was toxic, they weren't my ideas, I started to remember her behaviors, I read on the internet and I realized that my mother seemed to have narcissistic traits.
Since I was little, everything was confusing, love and abusive behavior all mixed together and I felt guilty for not being understanding enough, that I should help her, I realized that she scolded me for no reason and that she always thought that I should be at her disposal, that she didn't care about hurting my feelings but if I gave her an answer she would create a drama. She criticized me a lot and many times my achievements were not due to my own merits but due to her intervention. At one point I thought of myself as a dog and when my mother called I had to go to her wagging my tail.
In the end my grandmother was there for less than a month. They fought a lot. I was already helping my mother, I wasn't going to also take care of my grandmother. She sent my grandmother back to my cousins, had to let others handle my grandmother's money, ignored everything and only visited her a few days before my grandmother died.
Next time she is having a meltdown or break with reality, call 911 or whatever the equivalent is there, and ask that she be taken to the ER or a psychiatric facility for evaluation and treatment.
What kind of facilities does your country have for seniors with dementia?
You shouldn't have to continue in this precarious situation. It's not your mother's fault, and not your fault. Her brain is deteriorating and she needs some serious medical intervention.
Keep us posted on how things go.
My mother is currently without a psychiatrist. That doctor works in the public health system, and we had an argument, so I decided he would no longer be my mother's doctor. He never showed any interest when I told him how her situation was worsening; he only told me to increase her medication dosage if she had a crisis. He never once mentioned changing her treatment. Yes ,she needs a better doctor.
In my country, options for people with dementia are limited and depend mostly on private initiatives and foundations and public health system has limited hospital capacity due to resources, staff, and available beds.
I started investigating and there is a service equivalent to 911 in my country that was created a few years ago, but it hasn't been widely publicized and seems to have long response times, coordination problems, and other issues, even so, it's an option.