I have durable financial and healthcare POA for her. She lives alone, at her insistence, with home assistance four days a week (which she resents). I have handled all her finances for over three years, as she is completely unable to do so. Her mental state is worsening; her geriatric psychiatrist strongly believes she should be placed in a supervised setting. She absolutely REFUSES to consider this, saying "I'd rather die in my home than go to one of those prisons." She bitterly resents me for "controlling" everything. My brother and I agree with the doctor: she NEEDS to be relocated (we both live thousands of miles away); we cannot continue with this situation. Her funds are dwindling to the point that she will no longer be able to pay for the home help, unless she moves out and her home is sold (she owns it outright). We will be meeting with an attorney in two weeks to understand options. We cannot FORCE her to move unless we have guardianship, it seems (she is in Arizona). Neither one of us will accept guardianship; we are exhausted, burned out, and she has fought us over every single thing for three and a half years, even when we do what she demands. So how messy is it to request a court-appointed guardian when we categorically will NOT serve in that capacity? Hopefully the attorney will be able to guide us to some extent, but if anyone has actually done this, I'd like to hear about it. Thank you.
Because your POA would be sufficient to act in placing her if her dementia was severe enough. And as well you live miles from her.
I would tell you that your having POA is going to have to be resigned in order for the state to act in her behalf. And they cannot act in ways that a POA can't. She wouldn't be placed unless she were judged incapable of making her own decisions.
Had you not already intervened in her care this would be simple. You would call APS, say you cannot intervene in her care as you are both miles and miles from her, and that you are concerned that she isn't capable of self caring. APS would say before the court that she has no one able to help with care. She would have court appointed fiduciary who would make her decisions.
But as things now stand she has a POA--YOU!
This is problematic in the extreme. Your first step, if you wish to have her in control of the state, is to resign your POA. You will tell your mother you cannot serve as her POA, nor intervene in her care, and that you are requesting she be assessed for competency and placed in care if she is unable to cooperate in placement in ALF. If she remains competent (and she MUST BE if you cannot use your POA) then hand her your papers of resignation. And resign before all entities in which you pay her bills and act for her.
Your situation of being betwix and between is complicated enough that I would get the advice of an elder law attorney. Your POA pays for this expert advice.
"...we are experts in gray rocking, but it doesn’t work very well."
It would work if you would just actually stay away from her. You seem to imply that she's had a PD for a while now. Yet you seem to think that if you only spoke to her in a certain way, or wrote things out is big, bold letters, that she'd magically turn into someone who she isn't now and never was. Are you enmeshed with her? Co-dependent? Whatever it is, it's dysfunctional and maybe a consult with a therapist would be money better spent than with an attorney, so that you and your brother could find and defend healthy boundaries. You Mom's never going to honor them, so you must do it. The boundaries are for you, not her.
Consider resigning your PoAs. Stop helping her at all and then report her to APS. When your Mom calls wanting you to do something for her, give her the number for social services for her county. Tell her you and your brother are no longer willing and able to protect her on her terms only. This is called a boundary. It won't feel good to do this but it will get the result you want without paying for an attorney. Keep reporting her to APS.
ADMISSION TO NURSING HOMES OR COMMUNITY-BASED RESIDENTIAL FACILITIES My health care agent may admit me to a nursing home or community-based residential facility for short-term stays for recuperative care or respite care. If I have checked “Yes” to the following, my health care agent may admit me for a purpose other than recuperative care or respite care, but if I have checked “No” to the following, my health care agent may not so admit me: 1. A nursing home Yes No 2. A community-based residential facility Yes No If I have not checked either “Yes” or “No” immediately above, my health care agent may admit me only for short-term stays for recuperative care or respite care.
Thus, in my state, if a person has used this form and hasn't checked "yes," the agent CANNOT place the person into a nursing home or CBRF. So, if the person doesn't consent to going into such a facility and family members or others think the person should be moved to such a facility, the family members or others will need to file for a guardianship.
the Attorney can set this for Guardianship.
A letter will be sent to relatives, if there are others besides you and your brother.
During the court case the judge will ask if anyone wants to be Mrs. XXX's Guardian if no one says they will take on this responsibility then the Court will appoint a Guardian. That person will then make all decisions for your mom. They will make decisions for her Health and Financial matters.
They also would take on the responsibility of selling property to pay for her care.
I would suggest that while you and your brother are there you remove any valuable items or personal items from the house that you do not want sold or lost as the house is cleared for sale.
Sadly, the only way for a change to happen is if there is a hospitilization that includes a 3 day inpatient stay. When that happens you will tell the Social Worker and Discharge Nurse that she is an "unsafe discharge that can not live independently and there is no one locally that can act as a caregiver". The sooner this is told the better and keep repeating that quote EVERY time you speak with a hopital staff member. Tell it to the SW, nurses, doctors, and legal should they even try to discharge her. Have it writing in an email if necessary.
Oh, stop even entertaining to her demands. And, tell her that due to her stubborness and refusal to plan for her aging in home properly will result in a one way ticket to a nursing home, End of Conversation when she becomes argumentative. Look up Gray Rock method on the internet. It will preserve your sanity. Good luck.