My Mother passed away 6 months ago. Mom paid all the bills, cooked, ran the household and drove prior to her death. My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed. After a mourning period of about 3 months I started taking Dad to the local Retirement Center to meet some people. Dad met a 71 year old woman and in a short period of time has started a relationship with her. At first I was happy about this but several worrisome issues have cropped up:
He has decided he can drive again and has started driving his old 1992 Cadillac. He drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home. I worry about him hurting himself or others.
He has started spending most of his retirement checks. He has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is disappearing. He told me he was paying for his girlfriends bills, buying her groceries etc. To make matters worse she has a 50 year old brother who has been in Prison twice for armed robbery. Her brother is currently living with her and he uses her car to get around and also borrows money from her. Dad is consumed with anger toward this Brother and tells me that he is going to have to handle the situation somehow. Dad has a permit to carry guns and has two of them in his car. It is a volitile situations.
Another major concern is that Dad seems obsessed with sex. He has started taking Cialis and I am worried about his heart. He also talks about sex in an inappropriate way around me and my husband. Apparently he and his lady friend have been pretty active in this department.
My Dad is former Military and has always been a little rough around the edges, but he was a good Father and Husband to my Mom. I am seeing a totally different side to him and I'm wondering if it could be attributed to his dementia. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do.
He did have what I would certainly call early stages of dementia but by no means was he unable to make his own decisions. You might see if you can have your dad evaluated and you can put your foot down and refuse to have him in your home if he doesn't cut it out (it is selfish to spend crazily and live with you for free). But! Guns? Cars? Cialis? OMG. You are in my prayers!
doctors. 2 ppl asking for money for themselves and then sex is the Bonus..so sometimes at his age if he thinks he's cool and has that then when nonone that young ..plese dont wait. report them.
Get the car and guns away from him for his safety and the safety of others. Talk to the doctor, if you get nowhere, which I suspect since a reasonable doctor would not have prescribed this drug for a man in his condition, then I would file a report with the AMA and also go online and find every profile he has that allow you to write reviews and post that you are not happy with this doctor.
I would also contact the police about this family. The lady he is having the relationship with may or may not be involved. She may be a victim of her brother also. I would also talk to the people who run this senior center and let them know your concerns. Ask around, this may have happened to someone else there. If it did see if they will talk to the police also.
A person with dementia is not capable of making sound rational decisions. You may not be able to do anything about the money. I understand your concern in this area. He could quickly deplete his money and if he would need assistance may not qualify for medicaid with the 5 year look back policy. They would want to know what he did with all his money and may suspect that he gave it to you so he could qualify.
Good luck on this very difficult situation.
to a household of a person he is haveing sex with &Her Ex-con brother.that he is 88
and is being extorted. so that you cant do anything but YOU need help!!
please dont hesitate..sooner u get this nipped in the bud..the sooner they can stop
doing the Racket on HIM!
As for the money issues, if you are not already POA or legal guardian, do whatever is necessary to make that happen ASAP. Go to the bank and see if you can get dual signature requirement for WD's and check-writing. Then you can monitor where the money goes. Call and Elder Law attorney to help you if necessary (lots of resources on this site).
As for the sex, it is questionable where he got the Cialis if not from his doctor, so check that out. If it is legit, tell Dad if he doesn't cooperate with you in all other areas, you will tell the doctor not to renew his script!! LOL
I agree with those who are recommending you start slowly proceed carefully.
You could begin by talking with him about helping with expenses since he has moved in. As someone else suggested, having him pay you rent would at least save some of his money from the clutches of his shady-sounding lady friend. Negotiate as high a contribution as you can (again, it's that much less that will be thrown away and then some of it can be available if he needs it later).
As for the car, a little white lie here may help. Pull a spark plug or something on the car. When he can't start it, have it 'towed away' (take it somewhere it can remain for an extended period). You can buy some time while it's "in the shop" to get your dad accustomed to some other way to get around. He has income, so you could hire a companion (with a car) for a couple of hours a day (I know someone who does this for several elderly clients for just $10 an hour) to drive him where he wants to go.
I'm actually in this process with my own dad right now, trying to get him to develop a new routine that doesn't involve aimlessly driving around all day. He, unfortunately, squandered away all of his money before we realized that he had been unable to make rational decisions about his finances for a pretty long time.
Oh, as for the guns, they need to be 'stolen' ASAP.
OK, a couple of questions: DO you have Power of Attorney? If not, Dad is unlikely to grant it right now.
Do you have the ability to talk to Dad's doctor? You need to tell the doc what's going on! I cannot believe anyone would prescribe Cialis for a man that age! Also, the doc can assess your dad's dementia. In some states, the doc can recommend he stop driving, or at least that he go to a testing center in order to keep his license. When does his license expire, BTW? If he loses his wheels, will this woman move on to greener pastures?
I agree (and I think you know this) that you have to take the keys and the car away. Yes, he will be really mad. And you have to forbid him from seeing this woman anymore. Yes, he will be really mad.
When we have to do things that my parents don't like, I remind then that when I was a kid and was about to do something foolish, they would step in and forbid me from doing it. Even as an adult, they were never shy about telling me what they thought about my choices and my friends (especially dates). And I would get really mad! And they were usually proven to be correct. Now it is your turn to take on that role. It's always tough for both the parent and the child when the roles reverse, but it is in his best interests.
If he becomes too difficult for you to handle, perhaps assisted living is the answer. If he's spending $3,000 - $4,000 per month on assisted living, he won't have it to give to the girlfriend.
But in your situation, I would disable the car and the guns.
Getting an elder declared unfit to drive is extremely difficult. The police really have no power until he gets in an accident. DMV don't seem to have any power as long as he passes the vision test at least in our part of NYS. The Drs can . tell their patients they are unsafe to drive but can't enforce it. The only redress is to disable the car so it can't be driven.
It was very nice of you to offer to have your father live with you after your mother's death. perhaps you can have him pay a substantial amount each month for his board and keep and you could set that money aside secretly for his future needs.
As far as the guns are concerned capthardass answered that question in another post on a way to disable them which was not apparent to the owner but I can't remember his advice and don't know if it would work with an old soldier.
And finally you need to contact an elder care lawyer to see what your legal options are.
The girl friend and her brother may be extorting money from your dad but you would have to find evidence that they are doing something illegal.
As far as sex and the cialis are concerned. Only six pills are allowed each month so that may limit his activity in that department. Also consider that he may not have been very active with his wife in the final years of her life and feels the need to "make up for lost time" as far as inappropriate remarks about sex in your home, it is your home and here you and your husband set the rules so simply do not allow it and if he persists simply leave the room. also be aware that he may be contacting sexually transmitted diseases from this woman.