This board has saved me. Thank you all. My dad - 87 with parkinsons ans stage 4 kidney - going to snf after he leaves hospital tomorrow for ltc because thankfully, one social worker heard me saying "unsafe discharge" 100x and unlike others, was like "ohhh...she means business." Anyway I haven't seenHim in hospital because the last time I saw him at home his tongue was hanging out, he couldn't move and didn't seem to know I was there. I've been at his deathbed 4x over the last 17 years. I finally got the images of last time out if my head recently. His last hospitalization gave me panick attacks. My mom hasn't gone. My aunt said I should because "he likes people around him" but she admitted he didnt know she was there. My daughter is beyond excited for nye and ill be in a fog if I go. Plus hes going to snf. It's fair to have boundaries right? I hate this all... even though im thrilled hes not going home.
Your self esteem CANNOT rest upon the opinions of other relatives who attempt to shame you.
You do what you can. If nasty comments are made you just turn to the person, plaster on a gentle smile, say to them "I am doing the best I can at the moment. You have a good day". And walk away.
When you return wrath with a smile it is the best "gotcha" there is. They cannot STAND gentleness. They cannot stand a smile. They want rage and tears. Don't give them a good day.
When there are some bad-toxic family dynamics this stuff plays out with people choosing the victims, the sacrificial lambs. Try to stay out of their way.
I trust you to know what you CAN do and what you NEED to do and what you WANT to do. Trust yourself, as well.
and love. That you are a familiar person. I’m kind of bothered by some of your comments. He deserves respect and good care. Best way to make sure that you show up. Social workers and others in hospital are professionals. They are not swayed by your “meaning business”. They want him where he will be cared for the best.
Your dad is safe and will remain safe
both of these are because you did what you had to do to make sure that he is safe and cared for.
Take some time for yourself.
When he has been transferred and is settled then you can decide when you want to go visit.
I suppose the next decision will be is when you want Hospice to step in.
Hospice starts Monday. And I was able to chat nicely with him. Relatives scolded me for not being there 3x a day...what are they talking about? The staff spoon feeds him and my mom is still alive...she just doesn't want to go.
You are talking about really have some PTSD from visits. I think you should ask to speak to a social worker at hospital or ECF or consider seeing a good in person cognitive therapist for likely one or two visits regarding that. Seeing someone slowly die is very painful, very shocking. BUT feeling guilt over complete avoidance? That's not great long term.
I for the life of me, Peanut, often as you have written us, cannot remember your and your Dad's relationship? Sorry. I plead being 83 and a bit dingy. But if you were close, this is very important. If you were NOT close, it is less so. It was what it was, and nothing now is likely to change by your attendance for him or for you.
Whatever you decide, my dear, is full of many factors personal to you. Just know whatever you NOW decide, in his last days, is something you will long live with the memory of. There's nothing pleasant about living with the last thoughts of a dying person, how they look, how they sound. And nothing pleasant about feeling you should have tried harder to be there.
So consider being there, but BRIEFLY, and think in terms of it being now about YOU and about your own self care. Peanut, you are going to live on. He is almost at the end of his journey. Little will be changed by your decision to go or not; he is likely little aware of time, place, who visited, when. He isn't keeping a score card any more.
Best to you.
Just my point of view after having dealt with many elder deaths in my family.