Dad (96) (AL) mom (86) memory care but in the same facility. Dad would eat dinner most nights with her. She would only sometimes questions where he was if he didn't show some nights (usually because he was too tired). My sister thinks it would be too upsetting for mom to be at funeral (seeing relatives who are unaware of her condition) saying sorry for your loss, asking if she remembers them (she won't remember names) but will know person if you tell her. We have many pictures in her room and have run through her cousins with her many times in the past. Sister is afraid it will upset her and cause her to get in the "where is he" loop constantly and really lower her quality of life. She is very calm and easy to manage now. Recognizes us when we visit and always has a big smile. I will be speaking to the memory care director as she is an amazing person and I trust her professional guidance. Has anyone had experience with this?
It's the decision of you and your family to tell her your father passed. If you do tell her, keep it simple and don't get upset yourself. Geaton in the comments is right. See how she handles the news a little at a time.
If you have family that are unaware that your mother lives in a memory care facility, these people probably don't need to come to a funeral service for your father. Send out a group email explaining your mother's condition and because of this the funeral is going to be small and private. Immediate family only. If they wish to 'do something' include in the email that they may make a donation to a charity (of your choice) in your father's name in remembrance and respect for him.
I was a homecare worker for many years to people with dementia. I remember one elderly client of mine whose husband had passed. We specifially asked anyone visiting her to please not express their condolences to her and to not send sympathy cards or flowers to the house. She was told by her family that he passed and the dementia loop started up for a couple days, but then she totally forgot about it and went back to what was her normal daily life. Until an old friend who hadn't seen her in some time showed up with the flowers and the crying. My care client got hysterical and carried on unable to stop herself until she fell asleep from exhaustion. When she woke up in the morning she had to be fed her breakfast (she could no longer feed herself). She became bowel incontinent. Prior to this shocking visit, most days she'd use the toilet with assistance.
Don't make the staff's job caring for your mother harder by allowing her to suffer a shock that can be prevented.
She will ask where he is for time. My MIL did. Maybe you consider letting her a therapeutic fib (that her husband is at an appointment) if retelling her about his death leads to her remourning it. You will have to see how she handles things little by little.
I'm sorry for your loss and wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as your family moves through the grief.
We had a similar situation. We did not take Mom to Dad's funeral. Two out of town guests asked if they could visit with Mom and we said yes.
It was the right decision. Dad would not have wanted Mom to be a spectacle.
sone older folk think it’s vital to be at such events
if she’s not totally aware of what’s happened maybe keep it that way
if she is
it might be worth exploring if she should be told and asked if she wants to attend
maybe it’s best to have a word with her facility -they may have a view of her health and if they think she could cope
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