Hi everyone. I’m looking for guidance from people who’ve gone through a petition for guardianship or similar processes for an elderly parent, as this is not a straightforward situation and involves significant constraints.
VERY BRIEF SITUATION SUMMARY:
My father is an elderly adult showing clear cognitive decline (likely dementia), increasing paranoia, and impaired judgment. He lives alone, is socially isolated, and currently has no support system. He refuses medical care, in-home help, assisted living, or most other interventions. His situation does not feel safe, and his ability to manage daily life appears to be worsening.
I’m also increasingly concerned about his physical health. He likely has untreated medical issues, has recently expressed something relatively serious, but refuses to see doctors, and has explicitly stated that he would not call 911 in an emergency. I am increasingly concerned that waiting for a crisis may be the only path left, and I’m trying to understand alternatives before that happens.
MY ROLE / LIMITS:
I am the only person in his life who has been involved at all. I also have multiple mental health disabilities and ongoing health issues, and this situation has already caused significant harm to my mental and physical health.
I have been working hard to increasingly distance myself in order to protect my health and functioning. However, due to trauma and mental health limitations, this distancing creates extreme guilt and fear. As a result, no matter what I do—engage or disengage—I experience significant stress and harm. I am not able to provide the level of care, advocacy, or management my father needs at this stage, and I cannot safely continue as the sole person involved. Please note that I’m already at my limit and cannot take on additional caregiving responsibilities.
STEPS ALREADY TAKEN:
I have already contacted Adult Protective Services. They may have visited him, but I was not informed of the outcome, and they have not returned my calls. I have also contacted DSHS and similarly have not received any follow-up. At this point, I’ve realized that I need to take more serious and proactive action and try to move things forward faster.
WHAT I’M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND:
The only formal option I’m aware of right now is a petition for guardianship, but I have major constraints:
1. I cannot be the guardian, and I cannot afford to privately pay for a professional guardian. Are public guardians, county programs, or nonprofit guardianship services sometimes an option in situations like this?
2. My capacity for stress, paperwork, and court involvement is extremely limited. Have others found ways where a hospital, social worker, APS, or another organization handled most of the process, including the legal representation and activities?
3. I cannot afford full legal representation. Are there low-cost, sliding-scale, or legal aid / elder-law resources that help adult children with guardianship petitions for their vulnerable elderly parents?
I’m not asking for legal advice. I’m hoping to hear real-world experiences, what paths actually worked, what didn’t, and what I might not be considering yet.
My father resides in Bothell, Washington (Snohomish County).
Any advice, resources, or perspective would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for reading.
From everything you posted, if you attempt guardianship you will be setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. And they won't be grateful for it.
You have serious limitations yourself, and your “capacity for stress, paperwork, and court involvement is extremely limited” – which more or less cuts out guardianship, even if you could afford to chase it. You want someone else to do it for you, which is most unlikely to happen.
You want your father to have lots of care. He doesn’t want that. It might be best to talk to him about the path that he wants to follow, and adjust your own ideas.
A few practical resources that might help
I’m really sorry you’re carrying this. From what you described, this is bigger than one person can safely manage, and it makes sense that you’re looking for systems support rather than trying to take this on yourself.
I don’t have personal experience with guardianship, but I did look into some practical options that might help you move things forward:
• Public guardian programs – Washington State has an Office of Public Guardianship, and Snohomish County Human Services/Aging & Disability Services may know how to request a public or nonprofit guardian when family can’t serve or afford one.
• Adult Protective Services – It may help to keep following up, ask for case status, and request a supervisor review. Sometimes persistence helps cases move.
• Hospital or clinic social workers – If your dad ever ends up in the ER or seeing a provider, you can ask to speak with a social worker. They can sometimes help with capacity evaluations and connect families to guardianship or placement resources.
• Free/low‑cost legal help – Washington’s CLEAR legal help hotline and local elder‑law or legal aid clinics sometimes assist with guardianship paperwork or advice at low or no cost.
• Area Agency on Aging / Disability Rights Washington – These groups can help you navigate options and advocate when someone is vulnerable and refusing care.
Also, please remember you’re allowed to set limits. You’re not obligated to sacrifice your own health to keep this afloat alone. Getting outside help is responsible, not abandoning him.
I hope at least one of these leads gives you some traction. Thinking of you and wishing you some support and relief.
It also sounds like you have some health conditions, and they should be your highest priority. Remember to put your own mask on first? That's what you should do.
You cannot help someone who does not want help. He's stated he's fine with his conditions being what they are and when people tell you these things you should believe them. You've already called APS and whether or not they help him is largely his decision.
Every county has social workers and an agency on aging. If you are able to, you should try to contact them and explain the situation. Again, if he will not accept help, they will not be able to help him either.
It is what it is, and you need to take care of yourself first. Not all situations can be bettered.
When someone wants to die naturally that can be allowed as long as others are not negatively impacted.
You think your situation is unique, I assure you it is not. This happens all the time to all kinds of people. They end up here, just like you did, asking similar things and finding out that there isn't much they can do when the senior is uncooperative. This is true even when the senior is in bad shape. If they're competent, they can live as they see fit. It's not easy to get someone declared incompetent, and that's how it should be, as we shouldn't be able to get control over other people easily, despite age.
Being a guardian is too much for you under these circumstances. It is very involved, paperwork and all the rest. You are basically having to do all of the things a person normally does on their own, along with additional things as a result of their compromised state. That's after you go through the court and get approved. That in and of itself is going to be nothing but the things you said are your limitations. This is because you gain the position through an adversarial process in court. Lots of visits to offices and courthouses, evaluations, recordkeeping. It is a lot.
I am exhausted typing all of that out lol. I know what it's like to have various limitations on what I can do; it doesn't change the fact that I want to do them, I just can't. So I think I understand what you are saying, and I understand the guilt. Anxiety flares, and then you start running yourself ragged in your mind which spills over into the physical and makes it all worse.
But that's why it's good news that there isn't much you can do. IF the senior was cooperative, that might, and I stress, might, change my position slightly. It's still a lot to handle, and you really have to take care of yourself first. You will be adding to the current issues and developing new ones from the stress. In general it seems the laws are very tilted in the direction of personal liberty. I know that's a great thing in many aspects, but it is also frustrating when you can't help someone you care about or feel responsible for in some way.
Hopefully you can give yourself grace now, and have your heart eased of any guilt. Read some of the stories on this forum, it will prove to you that all you can do is call APS and hope they catch some kind of luck intervening. Keep on calling, based on whatever is going on, as at some point things might be bad enough that they step in or find a way to take action. I would just try to find a way to keep in touch with him that allows you to see if the situation has worsened.
Basically, you're going to have to wait for the crisis. I've thought about this a lot over the last few years. I can't see a one size fits all solution, so any type of legislation is unlikely to work well on this problem; which is really that people have liberty by default in the law. Hopefully, that will take away some of the guilt.
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