Delay in decision-making ruining my marriage.
Hi All,I've posted here previously about the challenges over the past 5 years with my mother-in-law who has been on a steady decline with dementia for about 10 years now. She is 75 and her husband is 86 and they still live at home in Los Angeles.
While I saw what was coming a few years ago, and started researchingin-home helpers and touring assisted living/memory care places, both in L.A. and Phoenix, no action was taken by my husband or his sister (she's Power of Attorney). The past 5 years of visits with them have turned into caregiving visits, scrambling to make doctor's appointments, cleaning the house, giving her mom a shower, haircut, and clean clothes, etc. It was only in January this year that they finally arranged for some in-home helpers to come a few days a week. Regrettably, now they're down to just one helper.
This roller coaster has made me hit a wall to where I'm so burned out by no resolution or decisive action, that I'm having to completely disengage from the family for my mental health, and it's absolutely impacting my marriage to where I'm planning a trial separation. There are other factors as well, but the situation with his parents (whom I love dearly) is impossible. My husband and his sister are just letting things play out which won't end well. I have no more energy to give and need to leave.
I was a homecare worker for many years before going into the business of it. I've seen your exact situation play out many times in families. Elderly parents become needy. Their adult children (who usually have good intentions) hit a brick wall when it comes to getting them the type of care they truly need. It can be parental stubborness preventing it, a disorganized estate, or the adult children refuse to see what's right in front of them when it comes to mom and dad. It sounds to me like your husband and his sister refuse to see how bad off their parents are.
Please show them this post and tell them it comes from a person who was in service for 25 years as a CNA caregiver in peoples' homes. When seniors are at the point where they're not able to shower, change their own clothes, or get to a doctor's appointment on their own, they cannot be allowed to live alone and someone coming in a few hours a week isn't going to cut it. Whatever the reasoning is that your husband and his sister have for why this is allowed to continue is something worth asking. Talk to them. Your in-laws need a higher level of care to live safely and they aren't getting it.
Many once happy marriages end in the divorce court when aging parents get needy and demanding. It's always sad to hear about. Try talking to them and tell them to read some of the many posts found here on this forum to help them get starting point with their parents. Good luck to you and I hope you and your husband work things out.
It is the decision to do nothing or to let things continue as they are.
YOUR decision to leave is an action you CAN take.
Once you leave the decision will be your husbands to decide if you are more important to him than his parents and sister.
Is it indecision on the family's part? Or are your in-laws uncooperative? Even with a fully activated PoA it is very difficult to get an resistant adult to do anything.
Also, what kind of solution do you think should happen if you had the power and will to get it done? Maybe they are down to 1 aid because in-home aids are expensive. Facilities are also expensive. Do they have the money to pay for that type of care on an ongoing basis? Maybe SIL doesn't want them to move in with her, if that seems to be the only solution. And for sure they should not ever move into your house.
More information would help with the context of your situation.
It sounds like your MIL's care is only the tip of the iceberg in your marriage issues, and this more than likely just brought the rest of it to light.
Perhaps stepping away for a bit will do you both good and make you reevaluate if your marriage is worth saving. Only you can make that decision in the end.
But after your break away I do recommend marriage counseling as all marriages deserve at least that much before one or both partners throw in the towel.
You have to allow yourself to step away. This is husbands problem. Something serious will happen and then sister will have to do something. Your in-laws are their parents, their responsibility. Just be as a support for husband.