Delay in decision-making ruining my marriage.
Hi All,I've posted here previously about the challenges over the past 5 years with my mother-in-law who has been on a steady decline with dementia for about 10 years now. She is 75 and her husband is 86 and they still live at home in Los Angeles.
While I saw what was coming a few years ago, and started researchingin-home helpers and touring assisted living/memory care places, both in L.A. and Phoenix, no action was taken by my husband or his sister (she's Power of Attorney). The past 5 years of visits with them have turned into caregiving visits, scrambling to make doctor's appointments, cleaning the house, giving her mom a shower, haircut, and clean clothes, etc. It was only in January this year that they finally arranged for some in-home helpers to come a few days a week. Regrettably, now they're down to just one helper.
This roller coaster has made me hit a wall to where I'm so burned out by no resolution or decisive action, that I'm having to completely disengage from the family for my mental health, and it's absolutely impacting my marriage to where I'm planning a trial separation. There are other factors as well, but the situation with his parents (whom I love dearly) is impossible. My husband and his sister are just letting things play out which won't end well. I have no more energy to give and need to leave.
You have to allow yourself to step away. This is husbands problem. Something serious will happen and then sister will have to do something. Your in-laws are their parents, their responsibility. Just be as a support for husband.
I was a homecare worker for many years before going into the business of it. I've seen your exact situation play out many times in families. Elderly parents become needy. Their adult children (who usually have good intentions) hit a brick wall when it comes to getting them the type of care they truly need. It can be parental stubborness preventing it, a disorganized estate, or the adult children refuse to see what's right in front of them when it comes to mom and dad. It sounds to me like your husband and his sister refuse to see how bad off their parents are.
Please show them this post and tell them it comes from a person who was in service for 25 years as a CNA caregiver in peoples' homes. When seniors are at the point where they're not able to shower, change their own clothes, or get to a doctor's appointment on their own, they cannot be allowed to live alone and someone coming in a few hours a week isn't going to cut it. Whatever the reasoning is that your husband and his sister have for why this is allowed to continue is something worth asking. Talk to them. Your in-laws need a higher level of care to live safely and they aren't getting it.
Many once happy marriages end in the divorce court when aging parents get needy and demanding. It's always sad to hear about. Try talking to them and tell them to read some of the many posts found here on this forum to help them get starting point with their parents. Good luck to you and I hope you and your husband work things out.
It is the decision to do nothing or to let things continue as they are.
YOUR decision to leave is an action you CAN take.
Once you leave the decision will be your husbands to decide if you are more important to him than his parents and sister.
Next time your husband needs to be out there plan your own little trip. Let him and his sister deal.
It sounds like your MIL's care is only the tip of the iceberg in your marriage issues, and this more than likely just brought the rest of it to light.
Perhaps stepping away for a bit will do you both good and make you reevaluate if your marriage is worth saving. Only you can make that decision in the end.
But after your break away I do recommend marriage counseling as all marriages deserve at least that much before one or both partners throw in the towel.
There's been no action on my husband or SIL's part, so my prediction is that it will take a major, serious incident or the death of one of them to get any kind of resolution. What makes me livid is that this is totally avoidable. I not only don't want something tragic to happen to them, but I really miss them and would love to spend more time with them - something we could do if they moved to the assisted living place 5 minutes from us (beautiful - like a resort). There's even a terrific, modern apartment complex right next door to the assisted living place that my father-in-law could move into if he wanted more independence. They have plenty of money, so this is not the issue.
Sadly, I've resigned myself to the probability that they'll die at home alone, or suffer a serious incident with their last days in the hospital. I'm just no longer motivated to rush over to L.A. once again if this happens.
So far, we have not needed extensive outside help. We have sufficient income/"plenty of money" to pay for our current living situation. However, if/when we become disabled to the point of requiring assisted living or nursing home care, which costs $10-14K+/month in our area, our savings will vaporize fast! That will be the case even if long-term care insurance pays part of the cost. I think many middle-class retirees could be faced with that situation if they live too long.