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Mom is in memory care in very rapid cognitive decline. She's been  in memory care a year. She yells, cries and moans all the time but thens tell staff there's nothing wrong with her. She has started urinating in the common room in front of everybody, as well her room.The staff are frustrated that she's taking all their time. She is in a mixed population where memory care is not isolated, it's mixed in with assisted living. They balance the staff out according to group care levels. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put her in a skilled nursing facility. She keeps crying and saying I wanna go home. It's hard to redirect her. Please help me find ways to answer that.

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My mother lives with me and constantly asks to go home. I start with telling her I understand she must miss her home. Then, I mention a memory I have about her house - her fruit trees. Then I try to engage her to tell what she misses about her home. By the end she is telling me a lot of stories. Sometimes she cries thst she misses her home and doesnt want to talk. I hug her and just validate her feeling of missing home. I read somewhere that “ home “ is basically missing how things used to be.
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Reply to Soygenio
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When my husband bangs on the door to go home (we keep the security door locked), I will ask him "where is home?". He usually replies "just out there". If it's a nice day, I suggest we go look for it. We get out and we have a little walk. I point out the views, he calms down and we eventually get back. Otherwise I suggest that we wait for better weather or time, it it's night, and then ask him to tell me about home. He usually starts, then gets distracted. I have put pictures of him alone or all the family in the house so he is reminded (sort of) that he is already home, they worked for a while but now he has started not recognizing himself. One has to play by ear. As funkygrandma59 says, redirecting (if possible, my husband can be stubborn) is the best strategy. Good luck.
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Reply to AnnaKat
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azsundog, I remember my Mom (98 at the time) wanted to go visit her parents and her siblings. I had to quickly think on how to answer, as for visiting her parents, I told Mom "they are visiting the old country" which my grandparents use to do, and that put a smile on my Mom's face. If Mom wanted to go "home" (her childhood home), I would tell her "we will go next month".

As for answering when she wanted to visit her siblings (all had passed), I really had to think quickly for an answer that my Mom would accept. Such as "oh, Grace, has to work overtime".... or "Sonny is busy buying new parts for the milking machines".... or "Ethel has her husband's parents over for dinner". Whew, but I could use the same therapeutic fibs each time, as Mom would forget how I answered days before.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Urination doesn't require skilled nursing, that should be a normal part of memory care. It might put your mind at ease to have a meeting with the director or whoever of the facility where she is staying. Frankly if they're not separating the MC from the AL and not staffing accordingly that's not your problem to solve. You could move her to a different facility if they're going to consistently fail to accommodate her needs though.

As far as her repeated requests to go home, it's heartbreaking but common. Depending on how long her memory is lasting you can say things like yes I'll take you home after dinner/ tomorrow/ on Monday. Calming medications to help her not be so miserable seem like a good idea too.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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Uticawclady70 Jan 24, 2026
I’m so thankful my mom’s kids were her caretakers and we would not leave her alone.
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My mother is 95 and repeatedly asks me the same question daily. It's incredibly frustrating as no answer seems to satisfy her, and believe me I've tried them all. I think it's part and parcel of dementia, sadly. There so many facets of this disease to navigate, and despite the support out there (theoretical) it's a lonely and exhausting job if you're doing it alone as I am.
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Uticawclady70 Jan 24, 2026
Mom 90 year old mom use to ask me what day it was so about every hour I would tell her as well as the date the day ( her church days she looked forward to to and would ask how many more days to Sunday Service and Sunday ans Wednesday
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Have they tested her for a UTI? Urinary tract infections can cause increased agitation and increased urination.
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Knitwit Jan 24, 2026
That's totally true and if left untreated can lead to sepsis.
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My sweet mom asked this daily. I always said "OK, let's go BUT, I need to call the mover's, rent a car, & pack." Then i'd redirect IMMEDIATELY to anything about the meal she may want when we "get there", or her favorite home memory. This worked for her. In the early dementia stages, i would fake a call to the movers. Later, when she was bedbound, she seemed satisfied with the "planning" . I just had to learn to be wherever Mommy's mind was in that moment & redirect redirect redirect. And lots of chocolate.
It can be exhausting but it avoided arguments.
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Reply to wyohwyn
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My 91 year old mom lived alone in her house refusing any help. We moved her to memory care after a short time in nursing after a fall. It was winter so I explained it would be hard for her to deal with the cold and snow and this was her ‘winter home’ and her own house was her summer home. By the time the weather changed she said she really liked her new place.
I realize I was very lucky this worked but she was relatively happy and safe till she passed at 95.
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Reply to CatsOMC
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TouchMatters Jan 27, 2026
Thank you for this encouraging response.
My condolences on losing your mom.
You did good for her. Gena
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When asking to go home, I have told little white lies. Ex:
1. We can go home when we are finished here. We still have a few things to do here.

2. I have to get your room ready, then you can come home.

3. Tell your loved one how nice their new home is and how it was made special just for them.

I have found that by having a familiar item in their room also helps when the item is pointed out and your loved one is reminded it’s theirs.
A special chair, pictures of loved ones, etc.

Little white lies are ok when your loved one is made to feel calm and secure.

Also, when you have to leave your loved one, tell them you have to run errands. They will accept your leaving much better.
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Reply to LindaSueC
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@uticawclady70, it is a challenging thing to care for a dementia patient and not everyone is equipped to do it at home or in the patient's own home. I find it to be off-putting that you ask this question because I believe we should support the choices people have made without expecting them to justify it to strangers. We all have our reasons and owe no one an explanation.
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Reply to Lovemom1941
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SnoopyLove Jan 28, 2026
Absolutely! Thoughtless and frankly cruel behavior. No one knows all the details of the individual situations people are dealing with.
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