Dementia: How to answer I want to go home?

I have dealt with this issue with my sister for a couple of years. Each time, I tell her reality and the truth. Due to her illness, Dementia and bipolorism, she has to be in the care of a nursing home because at home we cannot provide the care and safety she "has" to have (the word needs doesn't work). The trained nurses are there to take care of and help her. That is what we are paying them for (money is extremely important to her). Given a little time for this discussion with Q & As, I can generally get her calmed down and accepting of it. If it is her second personality (total anger and hostility), I can't really do much of anything.

I am 84 at home retired nurse anesthetist this is my thought , I have delt with problems getting care for myself. When you get chronic illness money is always a factor , call your local county agency on family services to direct you. You are in A difficult situation but common one. Your mom needs to be. placed as you know in a facility that takes care of patients with dementia. At first I thought I could handle this myself. There is a system and they will be able to help you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, that is their job. The social worker will help you. First take care of yourself express your love by asking for help. Your mom is very special and needs the right care get help and remember her the way she was. G. Dunn

I would look for a place that is strictly memory care. I can't imagine mixing memory care with assisted living.

Tell your mom, “Yes I know you want to go home”, then change the subject. Ask her doctor about medication to calm her.

My father has dementia as well and has a lot of confusion. I understand the challenges of trying to figure out what is best for your loved one. My father would always want to stay home, and that is where he does the best. However, because my mom is his primary caregiver, she has to and tries to be careful not to overwork herself. We have aids that come and help at home, but recently we took him to a Respite Healthcare Facility for a few days so mom could have a break.
I would advise to let your mom stay at home for as long as possible, and have home health care come and care for your mom. The elderly do best when they are at home. (I know I would rather live at home than move away, if I was in their shoes).
And when you feel that it is becoming more difficult for you, I would advise taking her to a health care facility. I also highly recommend visiting your mom every day, if she does move. During my father's stay at the Respite Healthcare facility, a family member visited him every day, which I feel helped him a lot. I think sometimes when a loved one is moved to a Healthcare facility, in response they feel like they are a burden or bother to their family and might not feel as loved. I wish you the best!

I always tell my uncle "when the doctors feels you are ready he will discharge you". And then will say something like I see that you are doing very well with your legs and getting around with the wheelchair (he is wheelchair bound with moderate stage dementia). Most times this will suffice and he will show off how he can scoot around. If it doesn't redirect I will be matter of fact and say "I have no idea and I know this is upsetting so why don't we talk about something else". Or, maybe just try to take her on a little walk to a common area as a distraction if possible.

Sadly, this will most likely not end and you will have to endure the pleas for a long time. It is difficult and sad but over time you build up a resistance to the emotion (to a limit).

It sounds like mom needs a smaller Memory Care only facility.
Staff in MC are better equipped to manage the residents.
Unless your mom has medical problems she would not probably do well in Skilled Nursing care.

Generally when someone wants to "go home" it is to a time or place where they felt safe
You and the staff should reassure her that she is home, that she is safe that she is taken care of.
Maybe validate that she might be frightened, then tell her she is safe and that you will make sure she is cared for. Then try redirecting her.

I’ve been reading through this discussion, and I just want to say how helpful the shared advice is. The way people explain responding with patience and reassurance instead of correcting really makes sense. It’s clear that many here truly understand what families go through. In my work arranging transportation with Seattle Black Limo, I’ve also seen how calm and respectful communication makes a big difference. Thank you all for taking the time to share such thoughtful and supportive guidance.

@uticawclady70, it is a challenging thing to care for a dementia patient and not everyone is equipped to do it at home or in the patient's own home. I find it to be off-putting that you ask this question because I believe we should support the choices people have made without expecting them to justify it to strangers. We all have our reasons and owe no one an explanation.

I tell mine she can go home "in the morning". This satisfies her for a short time (5-10 minutes) and then she goes back to it. I keep my visits short so I can keep repeating what she needs to hear without losing my mind.

Perhaps your mom is ready for hospice, that might help as there will be more people assisting her. If you are in the US, this can be as easy as calling a hospice company and asking them to evaluate her. For me, it was amazingly fast. Mom qualified due to her dementia, which is terminal (even if not in 6 months).

I can't imagine having memory care with AL as there are very different needs and memory care needs to be a locked facility for the wonderers. I'd consider looking for a memory care that is separated from others.

See if MD can provide her some medication to calm her down.

You can say:
Yes!
Okay
Soon
I'm working on it.
Then change the subject.

The reality is that it doesn't matter what you say although you want to keep her as calm as possible so you do whatever you need to do.

Try:
1- hand holding / massage.
2- Some other gentle touch / massage.
3- Foot massage

Redirects - She may do better with redirects if on medication.

Try an automated stuffed animal that moves like a real one.
Many people with dementia find these smoothing.

Take breaks often / when you need to.
Do not argue.
Gena / Touch Matters

Let me start by saying I’m sorry for what you and your mother are going through. I don’t have much to offer as I’ve never been in your position. I honestly couldn’t imagine. But maybe bringing in some pictures? Helping her decorate her space so it does feel more like home? If she has a rug or a comforter she is familiar with? Spend the time with her while she’s here I’m sure you already know. You are her home, no matter her physical location. Bring a piece of home to her. Praying for you and yours🩷

"Tomorrow. We just need to stay here tonight.

When asking to go home, I have told little white lies. Ex:
1. We can go home when we are finished here. We still have a few things to do here.

2. I have to get your room ready, then you can come home.

3. Tell your loved one how nice their new home is and how it was made special just for them.

I have found that by having a familiar item in their room also helps when the item is pointed out and your loved one is reminded it’s theirs.
A special chair, pictures of loved ones, etc.

Little white lies are ok when your loved one is made to feel calm and secure.

Also, when you have to leave your loved one, tell them you have to run errands. They will accept your leaving much better.

Sounds like your mom had better care than Medicare

I tried everything I could think of when my dad asked this question repeatedly when he was in MC. The answer that seemed to calm him most consistently was “You’re here while they help you with your memory. When your memory is healthy we’ll make arrangements to take you home.” Also success with discussing whatever good memories seem to be foremost in his mind . He seemed to enjoy drawing detailed floor-plans of his childhood home where he lived with other relatives including his grandparents. Trial and error. Ask about “home”. Distraction, comfort, repetition.

Best of luck.

My sister (82) is in memory care, and for over a year, wanted to go home. She would find boxes and pack up everything. This happened daily. When I would visit from out of town, it would cue something in here that I was there to take her home. I tried redirecting, and when that didn't work, I called Alzheimer's Association, and was given excellent advice. Look her calmly in the eye and ask about Home. What is home; what reminds you of home; what do you like about home. I freaked out because that sounded like exacerbating the issue. But it worked!! and then I was able to redirect. A similar experience to Soygenio. We had a calm talk; she told me about the animals at her house (which was years ago, not our childhood home), she told me about her bed. She enjoyed being in the conversation.

Here is another. Teepa often addresses this and other issues you raise: https://youtu.be/BLReoWyOehQ?si=4NmI6Cs9OFGxGS_4

There are more on her website or if you search on YouTube.

Please, please, please watch Teepa Snow videos. It absolutely saved us in my family: https://youtu.be/LmD3zpa13_Q?si=0pnTGBQj4pCPeP8u

My 91 year old mom lived alone in her house refusing any help. We moved her to memory care after a short time in nursing after a fall. It was winter so I explained it would be hard for her to deal with the cold and snow and this was her ‘winter home’ and her own house was her summer home. By the time the weather changed she said she really liked her new place.
I realize I was very lucky this worked but she was relatively happy and safe till she passed at 95.

We recently placed my mother in the best memory care we could find. Not saying the most expensive one, but the best one that we can find. This was after a 9-day stay at a hospital from the previous eight days stuck in bed from a fall...4 days of the hospital visit which were extra because we were unable to find a place that would accept her because she had been in bed 3 weeks straight at this point and some deconditioning had set in by then and nobody wanted to accept her finally we found a place and honestly it was the best place out of all the people that assessed her. She is doing the same thing, acting agitated and saying she wants to go home, but the reality is, she was doing that to us in the house she lived in for 45 years anyway so as most people have mentioned, home is either a feeling of comfort or referring to a place deep back in their history such as their childhood. When my mom asks these questions now, I understand that she would be saying the same thing even if she was at our home so it feels a little bit better but I still need to calm her mind so I do the redirecting thing too and either distract by asking questions about a completely different subject or tell her that nobody is at home right now because so and so is working and the other person is shopping or combination of these things depending on the situation. My mom has a very weird type of dementia. It's been very slow moving and was originally diagnosed as being "alcohol induced early onset dementia". She's been dealing with it since 2014 and it's not the common one where somebody goes from being diagnosed to passing away within four or five years. So since her progression is so slow, we've had a long time to adjust to these changes and while none of them are pleasant, it's just a different experience than many others on here are dealing with. She does say some things that I'm sure are not true because we have not seen anything that would even allude to this behavior and since she went in on January 9th and today is the 25th every day with the exception of two days I have been at that facility mostly with my husband and getting her up and physically walking her and exercising her ourselves for up to 4 hours a day because I do not want her to continue with the deconditioning and be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest rof her life so we've had ample time being there and nothing we have seen causes me to think that she is right..she was saying things about people being after her and she just wants to go home as she looks around and sees everybody else in wheelchairs and struggling to eat and do other activities of daily living. My mom was still pretty functional, walking around but needing assistance with toileting and becoming a fall risk as people with dementia do not pick their feet up very high when they walk so they're liable to trip over their own feet or very small deviations in the smoothness of the ground but shes never used a walker a wheelchair a cane or any other type of assistive device but since this fall at the first place, the facility she is at now has her in a wheelchair most of the time which is disorienting for her also as she wants to just get up and walk around so that also plays a role in her wanting to go home because being in a wheelchair and having to use a walker are foreign to her. Even though she doesn't cognitively remember, the activity is not at all familiar to her in any way at all as being completely independent on your own your entire life, suddenly finding yourself in a wheelchair and having to be using a walker anytime you stand up is disorienting and frustrating. I myself am angry and frustrated at it but I understand the facility does it to keep her safe and them free of any liability but all the things going on around her are also adding to her wanting to go home...sorry I'm not adding much to help you here, if anything I'm just saying I understand and it's frustrating and it's also very sad. Take care of yourself!

My father will sometimes ask me to take him home, he lives with us. He is most likely to ask at night, I tell him that I have a nice comfortable room he can stay in for the night, so why not stay with me tonight and we'll go in the morning. That makes him happy.

I do not see this suggestion, and apologize if this has been asked and answered. What about a different memory care facility that does not mix population? My mom was in a memory care only home, 9 residents to 2 staff ppl, and they did a wonderful job with the residents, just a thought. I wish you good luck.

My sweet mom asked this daily. I always said "OK, let's go BUT, I need to call the mover's, rent a car, & pack." Then i'd redirect IMMEDIATELY to anything about the meal she may want when we "get there", or her favorite home memory. This worked for her. In the early dementia stages, i would fake a call to the movers. Later, when she was bedbound, she seemed satisfied with the "planning" . I just had to learn to be wherever Mommy's mind was in that moment & redirect redirect redirect. And lots of chocolate.
It can be exhausting but it avoided arguments.

Have they tested her for a UTI? Urinary tract infections can cause increased agitation and increased urination.

Has medication been tried to calm her anxiety and acting out behaviors?

My mother lives with me and constantly asks to go home. I start with telling her I understand she must miss her home. Then, I mention a memory I have about her house - her fruit trees. Then I try to engage her to tell what she misses about her home. By the end she is telling me a lot of stories. Sometimes she cries thst she misses her home and doesnt want to talk. I hug her and just validate her feeling of missing home. I read somewhere that “ home “ is basically missing how things used to be.

My mother is 95 and repeatedly asks me the same question daily. It's incredibly frustrating as no answer seems to satisfy her, and believe me I've tried them all. I think it's part and parcel of dementia, sadly. There so many facets of this disease to navigate, and despite the support out there (theoretical) it's a lonely and exhausting job if you're doing it alone as I am.

When my husband bangs on the door to go home (we keep the security door locked), I will ask him "where is home?". He usually replies "just out there". If it's a nice day, I suggest we go look for it. We get out and we have a little walk. I point out the views, he calms down and we eventually get back. Otherwise I suggest that we wait for better weather or time, it it's night, and then ask him to tell me about home. He usually starts, then gets distracted. I have put pictures of him alone or all the family in the house so he is reminded (sort of) that he is already home, they worked for a while but now he has started not recognizing himself. One has to play by ear. As funkygrandma59 says, redirecting (if possible, my husband can be stubborn) is the best strategy. Good luck.

azsundog, I remember my Mom (98 at the time) wanted to go visit her parents and her siblings. I had to quickly think on how to answer, as for visiting her parents, I told Mom "they are visiting the old country" which my grandparents use to do, and that put a smile on my Mom's face. If Mom wanted to go "home" (her childhood home), I would tell her "we will go next month".

As for answering when she wanted to visit her siblings (all had passed), I really had to think quickly for an answer that my Mom would accept. Such as "oh, Grace, has to work overtime".... or "Sonny is busy buying new parts for the milking machines".... or "Ethel has her husband's parents over for dinner". Whew, but I could use the same therapeutic fibs each time, as Mom would forget how I answered days before.