Followed by me going ‘beige’ for a day or so. This is no marriage and I have many healthy yrs ahead of me.
he has no friends, hobbies or outside interests.. just news and sports.
don’t know how to have him see his behavior and the constant persecution complex he displays!
You can't gray rock a man with AD and/or expect him to recognize his behavior and want to change it, or be ABLE to change it! Read up about Alzheimer's and what it's all about, so you can understand that DHs behavior goes with the territory. How have you been married to such a "narcissist" all this time and been able to stand it? Surely it's not new, but magnified behavior you're seeing now that he's scared and reeling from such an ugly diagnosis, drinking his anguish away, perhaps?
It takes a spouse with a great amount of patience and understanding to care for someone with AD long term. If you don't want to be in that role, or don't feel capable of handling it, then you have a few options. Get a divorce, or a separation I guess, but make sure he's not left alone if you do leave. It's dangerous for an elder with AD to live alone, as all sorts of things can happen in short order.
I hope and pray that if either I or my DH get diagnosed with dementia or AD that we have enough compassion within us to stay married and take care of eachother. To not throw in the towel when the going gets rough. That's my prayer at least.
My hope for you is that you think carefully before making a decision and allow your husband time to adjust to this news and wrap his head around it. Maybe he's been a miserable beast your whole marriage and this is just the last straw, I don't know. But we all get old and most of us get sick and need help from loved ones at some point. Ask what you can do to help this man cope rather than run for the hills now. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine what it must feel like to know you're losing your mind? Devastating. 😑 And if you do decide to leave him, let him know your thoughts BEFOREHAND in case he's able to reel in some of this behavior and save the marriage. Don't spring it on him, in other words.
I wish the best for you and for your poor husband, too.
Presumably, your husband is an adult. And his doctor treats him as such. Doc told HIM what to do.
Back off. Let him be. Dementia is ever-changing and his behaviors will morph.
What sort of doc is managing his dementia? Has anyone suggested him seeing a geriatric psychiatrist? That's the ONE thing I'd be pressing for.
Consider a change of scene. Can you guys take a vacation somewhere to shake things up a bit?
We just finished a cruise; there were lots of couple on board where it was pretty clear one had some cognitive decline. It's a controlled environment. Look into it.
Changing from 'Boss' status to being advised what to do by Doctors & his wife.. equates to being *bossed* around to him. My DH has a similar trait/style/ego. Would NOT be told to take pain medication after surgery. Choose to writhe around in pain instead.. until HE choose to (eventually) take something.
So I offer everything as a choice. Then HE (the oh mighty man) can decide for HIMSELF.
Go 'beige' 😂
Is this like very light *Grey Rock*? I Love it!
So in beige (or greige) mode your communication could be something like;
1. Facts. No drawn out explanations. No fuss.
Eg Your pills are on the table.
You need to wash today.
Your clean clothes are laid out.
2. Simple Choices.
Will you take your pills now? Or after breakfast?
Will you wash now? Or after breakfast?
3. Simple Consequences.
Dr said 2 drinks is reasonable. If you drink more & fall asleep in the chair I will leave you there.
A short recovery is one thing.
A progressive diagnosis & a long term future of this is quite another.
Re the drinking. This may be his way of coping with the anger, loss & change he is going through. If he can trust his Doctor to discuss..? Taking medication for mood may be beneficial. It may help him 'take the edge off' & get along better with you? Many couples have found that without that kind of medication help, the outrageously stubborn are forced into a care facility much faster.
Talk to the Doctor alone if he won't. You are allowed to discuss YOUR life afterall.
Strength to you today.
When you have got your head around that, give him the options, knowing that what you say is actually reasonable. There are 2 possible outcomes:
1) Suddenly he finds that he does have some motivation to be OK to live with.
2) He doesn’t want to change, and you go ahead with a divorce.
You are looking down the barrel of the next (and last) 20 years of your life. Do it now!
PS Before the talk, split joint accounts equally, put half in your name. That says you are serious but reasonable.
Are you his PoA? Is anyone? If not, then you may want to consider a consult with an elder law attorney to talk about protecting your share of the assets in case your husband gets the notion to make poor financial decisions or lock you out of accounts (as was happening in the other post I referenced).
FYI if he ever makes verbal threats or touches you in an agressive way, call 911 immediately. He will most likely be taken to the ER and you tell them about his diagnosis -- they may be able to get him a prescription for agitation or depression, which is very possible in his case. I wish you success in protecting yourself as you navigate this situation!
According to your profile your husband has many health issues, and I can only guess that he is not happy about any of them, thus why he takes his anger out on you. Does it make it right? No, but put yourself in his shoes for a minute and see how you would feel.
It's important that you are taking time away with friends to do things you enjoy, to give yourself a break from him, as that will make it easier to deal with him.
And if he has dementia, he will NEVER see his behavior from your perspective as his brain is now broken and will never get better, but only worse.
If you are not up for the challenge that lies ahead, you may have to look into placing him in the appropriate facility or even get a divorce if there's no love there anymore.
The road ahead will not be easy, but no where is it written that our lives would be all fun and games. It's about how we deal with what life deals us that is important, and that's all that matters.
Get involved in a local caregiver support group, where you can vent and know that you're not alone with what you're dealing with.