In 2021, my sister and I made our mother go see a doctor. She always refused to go, but we knew she had health problems. She was a heavy smoker and ate terribly — fatty, salty, sugary foods. He sent her straight to the ER.
She was in for two weeks — had a heart attack, needed a stent, diagnosed with COPD, CHF, high blood pressure,anemia, thyroid problems, gastritis. I figured once she recuperated, she would go back to mostly taking care of herself since she was always independent. Wrong. She basically became a shut-in and I became her caregiver.
I felt bad that she couldn't go anywhere, but she was on oxygen 24/7 and she had some trouble walking. I needed help getting her to the car; I couldn't do it myself. I have one sister, but she helped rarely. She would come to help take her to doctors appointments, so that's basically the only time she left the house.
I became depressed. I felt isolated, helpless, lots of negative emotions. Then in 2023, my boyfriend of 7 years decided to move 4 states away. Apparently I wasn't giving him enough time and attention. I felt much worse now. I felt really all alone and burnt out. I got counseling, but it never made me feel any better. I know my personality has changed; I have zero patience, I get angry quickly, I lose my temper easily.
My mom never listens to the doctors or to me. Taking care of her feels like I'm trying to fill a bucket and she keeps putting holes in it. She's supposed to watch her salt, elevate her legs, walk around. She does none of these things. I never give her salt, yet I found she had a salt shaker hidden. She definitely had to quit smoking, but I found a pack of cigarettes. You get the picture. So when I find things like that or if I'm stressed or overwhelmed or tired, sometimes I can't control my temper and I blow up at her. Then I feel guilty and beat myself up.
I have to do it all — work, take care of her and the animals, do all the housework, pay all the bills, etc. I don't have much free time. I feel guilty for not spending quality time with her but sometimes I just need an hour to decompress.
Currently she is in the hospital because she's filled up with fluid again. But she seems to be declining mentally and seems to be giving up. My question is, did I contribute to or cause her to decline because I yelled at her, didn't spend enough time with her, or perhaps made her feel unwanted? When I lose my temper, sometimes I say I don't want to be a caregiver anymore or things to that effect. Then I feel bad. Caregiving is not for me though. Yet I don't want to put her in a home.
Any advice is welcomed. Thank you.
Your mother’s situation is not your fault, so you can stop the guilt trap NOW to save your own life. Your mother refuses to listen to her doctors and her daughter: You! You can walk away to freedom and have some fun! AL facility is the next stop for your self-centered mother.
Spending 6 hours a day with her while she's in rehab means that you aren't doing anything for yourself.
Please consider allowing others to take on the main burden of your wife's care, so that your life can continue and that you don't completely join your wife in her limited world. It wouldn't mean you don't love her, but that you're choosing to live as a man who does not have dementia.
Wishing you all the best.
ok - your mother is in hospital now so its time to have the serious conversations - ask to speak to hospital social worker or doctors even about care for your mother. Your update you can no longer cope. If no one helps speak to your mothers actual doctor.
Time for your mother to go into full time care. You have reached the limit of what you can cope with and you have made all the sacrifices you can. Time for your life now. You need to respect yourself as well and that you also deserve a life. You can still visit your mother.
As for did you contribute - no. The health issues were there simmering. Of course it may have been more helpful for you to walk out of the room when you felt angry - but it hasnt given your mother health issues.
They were already in her body.
Mother in care is your priority now and get on with your own life. One point. Caring for someone will allow you to see who around you supports and cares enough for you. Your partner packed and left. If you were to get back bear that in mind incase one day you got unwell - would he up and go when YOU needed support as well. As we grow older sometimes our needs change and that of our support system around us. Join a hobby club - meet new people and get on with your life after youve had a rest. Best wishes to a fresh and positive start for you.
Ask yourself, why don't you want to put her in a home?
Nursing Homes are not the way they used to be in the past. With more and more people living longer, Facilities for Edlerly health care have changed. Edlerly people are encourage to thrive, not just survive.
Caring for a loved one looks different for each person based on their personal circumstances, but there are more options than before including financial resources.
Don’t blame yourself for your mom’s poor choices. How old is your mom? Do you have POA? It seems she was functioning better before her doctor visit, so maybe the 2 week hospitalization did her in. Did she go to a rehab or get any services (visiting nurse, PT, OT) at home? If she is not interested in trying to improve, as others suggested, maybe it's time for a talk about her wishes...live how she likes or living longer. If such a conversation would be hard for you, maybe you can have the hospital social worker talk to her. If she can go from the hospital to rehab, it could be a nice break for you...but it could be short if she doesn't try to improve (PT, OT, etc). If she qualifies for hospice, you would both have access to a social worker and respite care (5 days I believe).
They will do laundry and everyday housework, prepare meals, drive her to appointments, bathe her, change sheets, etc. If more medical things are needed, like medications, catheters, or wheelchairs, that is usually a different level of help but also available through Medicare.
I wish doctors' offices were more aware of caregiver burnout and had referrals to the available help. Ask questions. Ask for help. Nobody is Superwoman. If you were Superwoman, I would suggest fly away to Hawaii for a 6 month vacation.
You can also get paid for home healthcare, but I suggest you get others to do it at this point. It sounds like you need a nurse, too. Good luck. You are a good daughter, but you need to have a life, too.
Caregiving is so stressful and exhausting and though you feel awful about losing your temper, it sort of comes with the territory. Once you make a decision about homecare vs healthcare facility, you'll feel a bit better. Remember, though no decision has to be permanent. You'll go with the flow for that week, day, etc.
Wishing you luck and sending you hugs.
My advice for your sanity: Stop trying to fix mom's bad habits! It will only frustrate you and her! She's not going to change. And don't feel guilty for not spending more quality time with her! Let her choose how to live (and die). I'm sure she knows her health habits will shorten her life. You also don't have to listen to her complaints. Let her phone a friend. If she has one. And if she doesn't, that is not your fault either!
It's ok to focus on your own health, your sanity, and your own life! She has lived hers and is continuing to make her own choices. She's not going to be there to take care of you. Be your own care giver!
Then there's the issue of who these outside helpers are. Truth be told they're just ordinary people with no nursing or behavioral medicine skill, and aren't equipped with ability or financial motivation to get your mother to listen any better than you are. Most of them make $12/hr if they're lucky and the agency for whom they work keeps the rest.
It's definitely time I say that I could be wrong. Perhaps your mother is so totally disabled she'll qualify for more Medicare covered help than I've ever seen. Also, there's the slim chance she'll respond well to her helpers and behave herself, but I think you might be getting my drift anyway.
I think you'll resolve your only option, after exploring the red tape of seeking home visitors, is to put your mother in a home. The type of home will depend on her income/assets. In some cases the facility takes only her social security monthly pay for her to remain there. If you don't want that for your mother, reality will probably be you and your siblings will have to provide at least 80% of her care for possibly years.
I wish you luck, and apologize for my bluntness, but I've been through this all twice and know all too well the headaches of getting what little help I could from outside sources. Keeping my fingers crossed your situation will be different than mine.
To address your guilty feelings, "NO", I don't think you contributed to your mother's decline. People, like your mother who live in denial, simply aren't prepared to be faced with the truth when it hits. Her truth is that she never took care of herself for whatever reasons, and now she must make changes to survive. She's mad at her situation and may even bargain with anyone she can to not make the changes in her self-care she's recently been prescribed. Denial, bargaining, and manipulation are natural responses for her after spending so many years serving only her own needs. I'm sure this is very hard for her too.