I am full-time caretaker to my husband who has moderate Alzheimer's. We've been married almost two decades and he's in his early eighties. These are both our second marriages. We both have children with former spouses but not together. He goes to Adult Day Care a few days a week which is my respite. Otherwise everything is on me. No other help. My kids don't live in town but it's not their responsibility. His children live within a two to three mile radius and he's lucky if he sees them once or twice a year. His daughter told me although she appreciates I am taking care of him, she's not interested in helping. All of a sudden she is mad because he drank when she was growing up but he's been sober for over 30 years now. She married a very abusive alcoholic husband. He screams at her when she's on the phone with her dad which is only once or twice a year. She'll call on his birthday and Father's day and those are the two times her husband screams at her to hang up. She didn't come to see him on his birthday. It really upset my husband, and triggered a decline the last few weeks. Had to increase his Seroquel. His son hadn't seen him for 6 months, came over on his birthday for a short visit. Gave him a nice gift card to his favorite restaurant. However, there's a price to pay. I tried to tell his son things were getting worse and he refuses to acknowledge and says that's just normal aging. How the heck would you know you're never here LOL. The day my dad died was when his son decided to criticize the medications his dad takes and says he doesn't approve. I told him he doesn't get to decide that his doctor does. He asked what he wants for Christmas, and when I tell him, he doesn't agree with it. I'm so sick of this passive aggressive BS. What his dad would like is if his kids would spend time with them before he forgets who they are. His son is like Jekyll and Hyde you never know which side you're going to get. He has been disrespectful to me which actually was caught on our security cameras one time. All this basically started when his dad started with dementia almost 5 years ago. I've always been very kind to his children, but they're about ready to see a whole other side of me.
Also, everyone else who knows us has acknowledged a huge difference in my husband's decline, except his son. His daughter doesn't care.
I know it is frustrating. But I did want to address one comment from your post in particular. You say "Otherwise everything is on me. No other help. My kids don't live in town but it's not their responsibility."
For what its worth, its not the responsibility of his children to provide his care either. So many people ascribe responsibility of a parent's care to their children, and that's just not appropriate. It is not his children's responsibility to provide his elder care.
It does sound like the family dynamics are problematic. And it may well be that his children aren't ready to accept that he is in decline. Or it may be that they DO have unresolved feelings and issues that predate your marriage to their father.
As an adult child who grew up with an alcoholic father - while I've dealt with my issues, I know my brother still, even after our father's death, has unresolved issues with our dad. In fact, I'm not even sure he ever really faced the fact that he HAD issues until our dad got sick.
People deal with things in different ways. I'm not saying that their behavior is necessarily acceptable. But having helped my DH and his sister (and her DH) provide care for my narcissist FIL for a number of years, I can tell you that caregiving can bring out issues that have never been dealt with too.
I know you are unhappy with the way things are. And I totally understand that. But at the same time, you can't change them. They have shown you what, if anything, they are willing to offer. She's told you that she isn't interested in helping. You have to accept her answer.
And you also have to accept that their memories of their father may not match the man you know. " All of a sudden she is mad because he drank when she was growing up but he's been sober for over 30 years now.". It probably isn't as "all of a sudden" as you think it is. You have to remember that having an alcoholic father, especially when you are young, imprints on you. My father was never abusive, he was very mellow when he drank. But there were SO many things that had to be adjusted or hidden or that we didn't get to do as kids growing up BECAUSE my father drank. I loved my dad, but I do have some resentment over the things we lost as kids. And over the things mom had to deal with in order to pick up the slack and make sure we were taken care of.
BECAUSE he's been sober for your entire marriage, you don't have the same perspective about it as his children do.
Here is what I don't recommend. "I've always been very kind to his children, but they're about ready to see a whole other side of me". That's not going to go well. All due respect, you can't change how they interact with their father. You can't force or guilt them into helping you take care of him. What that will do, is create an even bigger wedge between you, him and his children.
The time has come to consider what YOUR options for caring for him actually are. Take them out of the equation. Do not include them in your plan. Figure out how you can get respite time if you need it. Look at your options like memory care if things get too difficult to manage alone.
I hate that you feel so alone and that you are struggling. I really do. But it is better for everyone if you see this for what it is, and move forward to ensure that he has the care he needs.
Let me ask this question. If his son is J/H and his daughter already has issues with her father, do you really want them providing his care anyway? I can tell you, it is very hard to provide care for someone you can barely tolerate being around, even when you are trying with everything you have. Why put them or him in that position?
You can only control yourself and no one else.
His children are the ones that will have to live with the choices they made regarding their father, so let it go. This isn't about you, it's about your husband and his children, and you probably don't know all they went through growing up with an alcoholic father, as that pain can go deep and if not dealt with in a healthy way, can manifest itself in many different ways.
So just continue doing the great job you are with caring for your husband, and don't waste another thought on his children,
So none of this is new, I think?
It must be clear now that this man, your loving husband, was an alcoholic who was not very good to his children.
His children are now returning the favor by being not very good to HIM.
You have chosen to care in home for your husband.
The children do not wish to take part in that care.
The sad thing is that they don't seem to have the courage to tell you that they don't much like their father, and will not be participating in his care now that he becomes even more a problem than he was to them while they were growing up.
The fact is they don't like him.
The fact is that they are IN NO WAY responsible for his decline; that is the disease, not the children.
You have said "His daughter doesn't care", and you can bet she cares even less about what everyone out there thinks.
That is THEIR OWN CHOICE.
You can make your choices, but not theirs; I truly recognize that this is all very difficult for you. It is hard to lose the person we love while the warm body is still functioning somewhere in the house. You have my sympathy, but so do his kids, who got not much from him in their lives, and who have little interest in the end of his life now. Deathbed reconciliations are primarily the business of Hollywood.
My husband has a daughter who's cut him out of her life for no reason, except that she's always angry and looking for mistakes he's made so she can justify BEING angry. He was a great dad to her, and for the past 20 years I've known him, he and I have gone out of our way to be loving towards her and her kids. She's just a bipolar person who chooses anger and resentment instead of love and light. It's not our fault, nor is it my place to get angry at her for being mean to her father and hurting his feelings. I consider her dead, honestly, not living as a part of our family or contributing to it in any way. She's a non entity. I suggest you consider your step children as non entities yourself. Expect nothing from them and find help and respite elsewhere. That your husband is sad about their lack of interest in him is not something YOU can fix, nor should you try to. It's between him and them. Hire aides to come in to do the caregiving you were hoping to get from his kids. I'd personally hate to have my stepdaughter around here...shes an energy vampire, sucking all the life right out of the room by her mere presence in it.
I'm sorry you're going thru this with hubby. But showing your ugly side to your step kids will only make this situation worse than it already is. Extinguishing them from your mind is a much better solution for all concerned.
Best of luck to you.
I was hoping his kids would try and mend any hurts, but it's not my job. The good thing now is my husband doesn't remember they are mad at him. His son especially wants to put me in the middle. Not happening.
And you hurt for your husband because his kids are not there and it would make him happy if they were.
It sounds like your step children have enough of there own problems, no one knows what's going on In there life or there heads. Your stepdaughter, it sounds like her life needs some major help , how can she possibly be of any help to you with the life she is leading.
And you don't know how they grew up and the pain that your husband's alcoholism caused the family before you. No one knows but them
Best for you to let that all go. If the stepson visits, good but don't be alone with him, and don't try to contact him , have as little to do with him on a personal level as you can. I suspect he takes his family resentments out on you. This is typically put on the step parent, it's easier to blame the step than the parent.
Even if they see your husband's decline, they are not going to admit to it, because admitting to it would mean they should do more.
Best for you to take them out of the equation. Nothing about this is easy, trust me I know as well as all of us here know.
My husband's parents got divorced when he and his brothers were in HS, jr HS and elementary school. His Dad had an affair with their Mom's best friend (one of many affairs) and after the very sudden divorce his Mom never stopped acting like the only victim. His Dad, an elder in a church, felt "justified" in having the affair with the Mom's best friend because he was so "unhappy". The 3 of them couldn't have handled it worse and it caused a LOT of ongoing emotional damange to my husband and his 2 brothers. His Dad never acknowleged the pain and suffering it caused even though my husband diplomatically worked hard to get him to see it. We made the best of our relationship with his Dad and step-Mom, who is a "nice" person... but the pain and memories are still there. The adult kids never had a choice. There's a helplessness and resentment that corrodes the relationships. My husband did many a passive-aggressive things to them as a young adult to register his unhappiness with them.
BlueEyedGirl94 wrote a very poignant explanation to which I say ditto. DO NOT get on your broom and become an ugly person to his kids. You won't ever be able to force another adult to do something through that type of behavior. You will guarantee that neither of his kids will ever visit or speak to him again. And they might feel justified in becoming very vindictive after your husband passes.
Move forward by paying for as much care support as you need. Hopefully your husband isn't thinking of saving money for any type of inheritance for his kids. His savings is for his care and to prevent you from burning out. He will need to come to grips with how his kids are. If he can't do this he will be sad without end until he passes, yearning for something that never existed, having expectations that only lead to disappointments. Both of you need to move on and choose to be diplomatic to his kids, offering them opportunities to come visit (or be the visitors) and then having no expectations of their involvement. That's the most you can do. This is called a boundary. Let all disrespect slide off your backs. The needier, whinier and more demanding you become, the more you will surely give them reasons to stay away.
Move on and the both of you do whatever it takes to enjoy the rest of your years together.
Also make sure you both have your legal ducks in a row: that you've met with a financial or estate planner to know that there are enough funds to support both of you to your ends; that your husband has someone assigned as his PoA (hopefully it is not you if you are close in age); a Advance Healthcare Directive so his kids can't blame you for whatever medical care is given or withheld, a POLST, a Pre-need guardianship, pre-paid funeral policy, Last Will, etc. If he does not do this now he will leave open the door to infighting once his kids smell money from a perceived inheritance that they will "deserve" for having lived with an alcoholic father and through a divorce. Yet you will still be alive and needing that money. This is what happened when my FIL passed away. His biological kids expected to get their inheritance at that time, never mind that his wife was still alive and well and younger and still is going on 10+ years after his passing. One of my BILs was very angry he got nothing.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best. May you receive wisdom and peace in your hearts.
Just let these people go. Life is happier without stepjerks.
He may have been the best husband to you, but likely not the best dad to his kids. You can’t fix that or tell the kids to get over it already. Don’t be the angry step mother. It will not end well for anyone involved.
All that aside, you might want to get his will and such straight. The kids may all show up when it’s time to go discuss any inheritance.
You decide if and when it comes to the point where you can no longer safely care for him either by yourself or at home.
You decide then if you will have caregivers come in and help or you will have to place him in Memory Care.
I can tell you now that if your marital assets are not combined and you begin spending HIS money to pay for caregivers or pay for memory Care his kids are suddenly going to find a way to communicate. Ignore them.
If your assets are combined you might want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and see what can be done to protect your future.
Also if you have not done so yet make sure you have all the rest of your "legal ducks in a row"
As to noticing a decline. There are some with the mentality that if I ignore it and make believe everything is ok then it is ok.
It can be difficult for family to accept that a LO is declining, is dying.
And if in fact your husband was not the best father in the past those are wounds that can take a LONG time to heal if they ever do.
I have said here many times that I believe that a person that was abused should not be a caregiver for their abuser.
Abuse comes in many forms. Physical, that we can all see.
Mental, Emotional abuse is much harder to see and much harder to admit to. So if in the past he was not the nice guy he is now maybe give the kids a bit of slack.
You also might want to take a look at you and what your plans are if in the event that you need care later. Are you going to depend on your kids to provide that care (not fair to them) or are you going to look into Assisted Living facilities so that you will have the help you need when you need it.
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