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You mention "do they get worse" which means this was always kind of who she is and now it is worse. Yes, that would be normal. There is nothing to me as bad as chronic pain. It is constantly there niggling at you, digging at you and it does absolutely nothing for your mood. Moreover, for the elderly it is a long slow slide of loss after loss after loss, and add to that the guilt of being unlovable because of "attitude". It is truly an impossible place to be.
I would make an appointment and discuss anti-depressants with her and the doctor. They not only make many that are not so heavy-duty in this day and age, but they help with chronic pain.
What interests does your Mom have? Puzzles, books on tape. knitting, painting, coloring books? Anything you can think of to redirect her mind off the path it is habitually forming. You are describing hopelessness and grief as well as depression.
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EmotionallyNumb Oct 2020
She is interested in God and listens to religious channel for most of the day. She is worried about everyone's soul and wants them to come to heaven. When she is around my siblings or the grandkids this is the only thing she will talk about to the point where she has started to drive them away.
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Yes, but was she like this before its just more so now.

Have you tried Adult care. No, its not cheap. But maybe Mom can get Medicaid to pay partial or all of the cost.

Does Mom have any money? Maybe a nice AL? Here in NJ you pay at least two years and then Medicaid can be applied for. If facility excepts Medicaid and has not hit their quota, Mom could stay using Medicaid for her care.

Blunt time. You don't need to pick out her flaws but you do need respect. Tell her after a hard day at work that you really don't want to hear her negativity. You would like to come home and enjoy a nice dinner and relax. Explain that you are now an adult not her little child. And as that adult who is allowing her to live in your house and supporting her, you deserve respect. You will no longer listen to her negativity. You will no longer do for her the things she can do for herself. You will no longer agree with her just to make her happy. You are not on this earth to make her happy. She needs to find that for herself. You know thats hard with all her health problems but her negativity is bringing you down and its not good for her. So the complaining has to stop. If she wants any kind of relationship with you everything has to stop. If not, you will be two people just sharing a space. Or, other living arrangements will have to be made. You have to work but you don't have to continuing to allow her to live with you.

Your obligation to Mom is to make sure she is cared for. Doesn't mean she has to live with you. Doesn't mean u foot the bill. At this point, she needs you more than you need her. I am not beyond a little threat to bring some people around. Yes, her life is not what she thought it would be. Thats not your fault and unless her illnesses were not brought on by neglect on her part, not her fault either. But she will not be happy unless she changes. And your reaction when she gets started is to tell her you will no longer listen, and walk out of the room. She can't complain if there is no one to complain to.
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EmotionallyNumb Oct 2020
She went to adult daycare for two days before deciding not to go anymore. I plan to just leave the room from now on when she starts up. She was always kind of paranoid about other people but now it's like everyone she comes into contact with. Her doctor, the pharmacist, the pharmacist helper, the neighbors...
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Well, let's see -- their family and friends are dying all around them, they can't do the things they want anymore, they have aches and pains that never go away, and they have no real future to look forward to. Oh, and they know they'll likely be dying soon, which is terrifying to many people.

Why in the world aren't they more cheery?
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LoopyLoo Oct 2020
Valid points. But to me, it seems knowing you don't have as many years left would make someone want to be MORE positive. That if you know your time on Earth is getting shorter, you'd realize past squabbles don't mean much. You'd want to enjoy the company of others, no longer waste time on complaining and past squabbles. Savoring the time you have.
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This makes me think of the book Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? 😂
Often as we age we lose all the positive connections in life - friends, independence, physical health, meaningful activities, etc etc etc so it becomes harder to make any kind of conversation that isn't focused inwardly and in a negative way. But just because she is wallowing in in doesn't mean you have to wallow too, come right out and say that you'd rather talk about something more positive, if she can't/won't then get up and leave the room.
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StrugglingSue Oct 2020
This is exactly the road I’ve chosen to take, although sometimes it gets to me too. Aaargh!!
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I am living with both my parents. I’m not sure if it’s worse or amplified because I live in the house. I feel like I am being sucked down the vortex of negativity. Al I do is complain to my poor sister about my parents complaining!! I have decided they do NOT need 24/7 care as I was led to believe. I hope to find a small apartment nearby and help as I can. I’m hoping this + therapy will work. I’ve done caregiving for my husband...I am a cancer survivor....but THIS is pushing me over the edge.

I guess there is solace to know we are not alone.
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Yes some folks do, but not everyone. I think it depends what else is going on in their life. I think the important question here is do you think it's time for mom to go to a facility, where she will be around other people her age and have 24/7 care? You said yourself that you are tired of all of it, so maybe the best thing at this point is to look for a nice facility for mom, so you don't have to be around her negativity all the time, and she can socialize with people her own age. It's just a thought. Life is too short to be miserable in your own home. Best wishes.
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Yep!
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I was going to text something for an answer... elaine and NHWM answered

SIMPLY ---- YES, and they do.
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Yes they do!!
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Yes!
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