My mother recently passed away and 4 of my siblings made arrangements with the local funeral home for cremation as I was unable to be present. When they had called me before the final decision was made on what expenses they where considering, I had indicated that there was an alternative cremation services that could have offerred a savings of $350 on the $2800 total bill. They indicated that that wasn't enough savings to make it "worth the effort" and I agreed that if they were all OK spending the extra money to go ahead and have every thing taken care of locally. Immediately after the memorial, my oldest sibling confronted me that I owed my other sister $470 and needed to write her a check immediately because she had put it on her credit card. I indicated that I would take care of it. The next day I asked my sisters for a copy of any receipt/invoice from the funeral home and I would make prompt payment of my portion. The response was that "it was too much to ask for at this time while everyone was still healing". I replied for them to take as much time as needed but to fulfill my obligations and responsiblities as the head of household for my family I needed transparency in our mother's end-of-live expenses. Now, all my siblings say I'm being unreasonable, that I'm hold my payment hostage, and to just pay up. Is it really that unreasonable especially when as head of household I have to be finanacially responsible to my spouse and children?
Not to stir matters even more, but one salient issue in the context of this forum would be how involved in your parents' lives, and especially your late mother's, you were. Could there be any underlying resentment to their current attitude?
Maybe it's something that those of us who have had sister's in law who refused to help whatsoever with any aspect of caregiving, including being there for moral or emotional support, however find it all too easy to chime in when our loved ones..particularly our Mom's have passed.
Additionally, as I mentioned, I have had to personally bear the entire financial and emotional aspect of my Mama's care and yet a couple of years ago when a neighbor confronted my sibling about their lack of support attacked me verbally and demanded I provide copies of all documents pertaining to my Mama. I asked them why, were they going to finally help contributing to her care? That was the end of that story.
I don't know if you have helped care for your Mom throughout her final days or years or if you were largely "away" for the most part and the siblings were the ones who had to do most of the caregiving.
For me, I have been the sole caregiver for my sweet Mama going on four years now, have born the entire expense of her care, had to sell my home at a loss, gave up my job and retirement, etc....and when my Mama passes I already know I am going to be the only one who will pay for the final expenses, even though I have a sibling. My sister in law has not been to this house in over three years to see my Mama even though she and Mama and I were close all of our years together...She does not work, has no children and yet complains about every single thing my brother even attempts to do for Mama or for me. I will say that if my SISTER IN LAW called the funeral home after the sad time when my Mama passes, I would be LIVID....and I have already begun preplanning and the funeral is going to be close to $10,000 NOT including floral, etc. so to be quibbling over this amount of money and for your wife to call the funeral home is honestly so offensive to me I really just don't know what to say.
I am sorry that you are going through this at such a time...To me the best tribute any of us can pay to our parents when t
hey leave us is to show a sense of familial peace and grace ...but sadly I have seen this type of thing happen all too many times...truly, it seems so sad to me to be demanding an itemized invoice and is it really worth breaking up the family over.
When I lost my Daddy, my ex sister in law created so much drama and it was ugly...I knew my brother was not the instigator but the fact he allowed her to do it was and always will be hard for me to get over...Ugly things that happen during such a painful and sad time leave deep deep wounds that often times will not heal...
Personally, unless your siblings have given you reason in the past to be untrustworthy I would pay your part and ask no more questions. And also personally, even if they had over such a small amount of money I would pay it and ask no more questions. And tell your wife to stay out of this.
I'm sorry that this has caused unpleasantness for your family. Bereavement does expose nerve endings rather, and people get upset very easily. I hope the dust settles soon. My sympathies for your loss.
It's just… a bit… eeeuw. Do you really not trust them to add up?
I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are being a bit pompous. And a bit of a skinflint. At a time when your siblings are probably not in the mood for it. Take a risk, just send your sister the money.
Rather than tell her brother what the amount is, we give him a spreadsheet showing expense and her SS income, and the split. We also volunteered her bank account passwords and CC password so he can see where all goes. It's what I'd want; he didn't ask for it but we felt it was the best way to put it all in the open, full transparency.
I guess I offer this because it seems this is what your would like. I think it's entirely reasonable. Some people are flip with money, some pay close attention to it. I think you're like I am and are entirely entitled to see the overall accounting; no one should resent that. Of course there may be some family history that complicates it. Of course the one other note might be that depending on family relationships, you may just choose to write the check and be done with it, as long as that doesn't generate long term repressed hard feelings on your part. Good luck.
While it may help to say "I want to know exactly what my money is going towards so I am accountable for any financial mistakes," the real issue is that they need to be transparent about those matters and that a lack of transparency is itself a red flag.
Good luck!