Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

Your "hate" does not effect them one bit. But it is taking up time and space in your heart and brain. So try to let it go.
Sure you feel jealous. I would as well. I am done with my direct caregiving but I do have responsibilities that are difficult to get away from and when friends or relatives go on vacations I feel envious.
Can you get caregivers in to help out for a few hours once in a while? Mom should pay for this with whatever funds she has. (the idea of spending their potential inheritance may spur some extra help or at least conversation)
Have you looked into programs that can help provide caregivers.
I can tell you from experience that even a few hours a way a few days a week can mean a lot. It does not sound like much but a few hours for yourself does amazing things for head, heart, soul.
I do believe in karma to a certain degree.
Your brother and sister may have challenges that you know nothing about.

Your feelings are entirely natural. As the primary carer for my parents and now my mother, I speak from experience. Sacrifices that you make on a daily basis will go unrecognized and unacknowledged - this hurts, it is definitely not selfishness. In my case what makes it worse is that my parents never told my siblings about my husband and my contribution in their daily life. Obviously my siblings didn't get to know the extent of my duties. They deliberately underplay their medical needs which are met because of my husband and my efforts. My siblings just turned their faces the other way and continued to enjoy life, earn their millions - this does create resentment. A pat on the back from your siblings and occasional consideration goes a long way in making the situation a bit bearable. But it takes a large hearted person to do that. Most people don't do it because they know they are guilty of shirking their responsibility. A word of caution - be prepared for even more harsh words / behaviour from your siblings the day your patience runs out !!

Good Morning Forgotten
I am the sibling that is the recipient of your ill feelings. I moved away from home over 25 years ago. My siblings still live in the same city as mom. When mom developed dementia and needed assistance, my siblings said "I should force her to live with me." ~ I am the only girl. Mom is still aware of her home and everything about her house. When I would bring mom to stay with me, one-week a month, she would ask every day, several times a day, when are you taking me home. Bottom line is I had to arrange in home care for my mom. I got tired of receiving phone calls every day, several times a day from my siblings that live in the same city as mom, and in one case WITH mom, saying how unfair things were to them. When I moved away 25 years ago, no one resented my move. My parents were healthy. Now the relationship with my siblings is estranged. We barely talk. BUT, I am taking care of mom. I talk to her caregivers several times a day and visit her monthly. It is not fair that only one child shoulder the responsibility of caregiving. Hopefully you can use resources within your community to assist you. I started with the caseworker a my mom's doctor's office. She guided me in the direction I needed to go. I pray your siblings step up and assist you because it's the right thing to do. But resenting or hating your siblings is not right. They did not move away and leave you in a situation to be the primary caregiver; they were already gone when the need surfaced. God Bless

Two quick thoughts come to mind:

1. Neither of your siblings have ever offered to help in any way. Have you asked? If you have, and they've refused, let it go. "A grudge will soon rot the pocket you carry it in."

2. If listening to them talk about how wonderful their travel and dining-out experiences are makes you resentful, you can always say, "Sounds like you had a marvelous time! But taking care of our mom makes it impossible for me to do those things any more, and as much as I'm happy for you, I'd prefer that you not mention them again."

I'm not making these suggestions flippantly or callously. It's just that sometimes we overlook the simplest solutions.

I've been in your position, though the circumstances were a bit different - I was my mother's sole caregiver, and my sister lives over 800 miles away. Sis has been in poor health for years (including a bout with breast cancer, chronic incontinence and pernicious anemia that almost killed her) and there was no way that she could assist me, except with the advice she would give me as a retired RN. But for a long time I resented her, mainly because she didn't experience what I did as a caregiver - Mama's irritability and irrational behavior, the daily drudgery of toileting assistance, the sleepless nights, the picky eating... the list goes on. And Sis tried to tell me that she did indeed understand because of her own infirmities, but wouldn't accept that taking care of yourself and taking care of someone else are two completely different things. She even maintained that she was just as frustrated as I was with not being able to go anywhere or do anything. (Guess again, Sis.)

I even held onto that resentment when Mama died, simply because Sis wasn't there. I was completely alone. My husband was out of town with his job, the pandemic was still rolling along, and I had not one shoulder to cry on, not one person to give me a hug. I think at that point, I hated everyone and everything, and continued to do so for the next three months. It was terribly self-destructive.

One day, I finally woke up and realized that if I didn't change my outlook, I would die a premature death as a bitter old woman. I made a conscious effort to see only the positive side of things. I asked God to forgive me for my hatred and resentment, and to show me the path toward a happy life - and He did. I'm now immersed in moving our household to another town, and starting a new chapter in life with my husband (who, though he never really complained, suffered just as much as I did through the difficult years of caregiving).

It's easy to let yourself get dragged down - sometimes literally - when you're the sole caregiver. As the journey continues, do everything you can to make it a positive one (I hope you've found the respite care; it'll help), and concentrate as much on your well-being as you do your mother's. If your siblings irritate you, limit your contact with them and restrict it to updates on your mother's condition, and by all means, avoid conversations that may reawaken hard feelings.

Sorry to have written a sermon here, but once I get started, I can't stop. Best wishes, and I hope you can find calmness and peace. I finally did.

Hey I feel you completely. In many ways it’s understandable why I am the caregiver but I am suffering from burn out. My siblings won’t even assist financially. With them it’s “out of sight out of mind.”

But seeing what it is, I’ve just stopped expecting or be even anticipating any help from them. I still love them but sometimes it’s best to live from afar.

The word "fair" and caregiving are never in the same sentence.  99% of the time the stress, time and expense falls on one person.  Sounds like that one person is you and I can certainly relate... My brother who is an RN, younger than me, makes more money than me and is divorced and has more time than me, will not help my mom one bit.  I have anger and resentment towards him and struggle with it often.  I have let most of it go, but it is still there under the surface.  You have to find a way to let it go because the anger is hurting you, not your siblings.  I would suggest coming up with ways to get some of your life back.  My first thought is to move your mom to assisted living.  If you don't feel comfortable doing that or she can't afford it, you might look at elderly daycares several times a week for her so that you can have some time to yourself.  A third thought would be to contact your siblings and let them know that you would like to plan a well deserved vacation, but that would require one of moms other children to stay with her while you're gone.  It will be very interesting to see if one of them steps up to the plate.

You have every right to feel this way. BUT you must let them know they MUST step up sometimes as well. They don't have to be there every day, every week, or even every month, but at least once a year, each of them has to spell you for at least a weekend so that you can go out just for yourself. You NEED to have dinner or spend a weekend sleeping in at a hotel. They don't know your needs if you don't express them.

Have you ever asked them to help in any way? I'm just asking, I'm not challenging you.

You would have thought that they might be a bit more considerate of your feelings than to go blathering on about their luxury leisure activities when you're probably grateful if you even get to pee in peace. You would have thought that.

But what we caregivers forget is that these people have not been there and Do Not Have A Clue. Not one. It never enters their well-fed heads that their enthusiastic narratives might be just a wee bit galling - even if you have willingly surrendered these years to your mother's care. Willingly isn't the point. It's about having some %!-F!&*%$$** tact!

They can learn, though. You never know. Is there anything specific that would help you that, realistically, they could manage?

I may be completely out of line here since im only child and when my parents were sick i had only myself to depend on.

do you have all necessary paperwork needed to care for your mother ?

have you seen a lawyer for help and suggestions to become her sole caregiver ?

if you are completely covered to care for her without interference, write off your sibs. Pretend they are her friends if they want to visit. Pretend what they do is not related to you.

If you do not want to hear their suggestions ... just in case they may have something worthwhile ... ignore them. Call the office on aging for suggestions and advice for caregiving help. do not restrict your sibs from seeing your mom unless they upset her and If they get spiteful use three words ... call my lawyer.

heres another three words ... they dont care.

they will if theres money involved. Otherwise ... they. dont. care.

im not saying this is easy. Im not saying you wont be resentful. Who wouldnt be ?
but try to stop the cycle.

just make sure, as i said, that YOU are covered legally and are doing the best you can.

I assume you and your siblings are in your 70s going from the age of your mother.you may be in mid to late 60s. I would have your siblings to come over to your house for an important meeting. I would preplan her furneal, pick out the casket,clothes. We did this for my husband and believes me when I say what a relief. . then ask your siblings to 1. Come over take care of mom while you take a week off maybe one week in summer ok be in winter.
2. They can send some money every month so you can hire. Someone for respite care for you. Give them the two choices and no more. Must choose now or never see or hear from you again that includes any updates on your mom. Never know when she does.

I am in a similar situation and I am hateful towards them. Yes, it is me that will be at peace when they die because I did my best to care for them as they cared for us... but my siblings make me feel anger and make me want to get them back. These are terrible feelings and I, as you do, need to stop hating. It’s not healthy for us... hating does not change the situation and all it does is hurt us. I don’t say forgive them. I won’t... sorry I am not a saint, but I am trying to think more peacefully and you need to also. We cannot change our surroundings all the time so we must accept what we cannot alter and breath in peaceful thoughts and breath out hate and resentment... this is all we can do. I truly believe you and I will be rewarded for being good whether it be the peace at their deaths, later in our lives or after our own death. You are not bad for feeling hate, you are human.

I cared for my mom in my home for 8 yrs, with out of state siblings. I too felt the same way. Then one day my sister told me “you have to ask for what you need, we can’t read your mind.” So I did and things better. Keep in mind, even if your sibs don’t help and are insensitive to your feelings, you are doing God’s work for your mother and will be rewarded accordingly by Him. You are doing the right thing... honor your mother and father. I pray your sibling situation gets better.

omg did I just write this? My head just did a Linda Blair. Can someone read my mind? I feel the exact same way. I feel so stupid about it. I don't want to see or hear them. I feel horrible about it. Because when my parents lived on their own, they had my older sister and younger brother visit once/week, (they all lived closer to each other). Now that they are with me I avoid having them visit and I feel terrible because I have no right to keep them from seeing their parents. I don't have a problem if they come and pick them up and do whatever they want, I just don't want to host them in my home. I never did feel a close relationship to anyone in my family, and before taking my parents in I did not have much contact with them anyway.
I wonder if some of these feelings are due to being just tired and drained from taking care of the elderly, and having to deal with anything else, which requires extra emotional effort, is too difficult, because we have reached our limit.

J understand you, 100%.

And I also understand that you love caring for your mom and you want to do this- don’t let all the people who tell you you don’t completely love caring for your mom, after reading your one question on this thread, bother you.

Remember that you are caring for her “for her” and “for you” - if you start thinking that you are doing it “for them” it will become more painful when they are not appreciative.

It is also okay to hate them.

I am one of many kids. My parents are gone now and I only have a meaningful surviving relationship with one sibling. I also have great relationships with many (but not all) nieces and nephews. “Losing” those other siblings is not sad — it is fine. The others are not worth having relationships with. They were not nice to my parents and they were not nice to me and there is no loss. My past love for them, I have learned, turned out to be fictional and it was definately one way.

Tough times like these show you what people are really made of. Anyone can be nice during the good times. You were the one that showed up when needed.

My siblings were terrible at the end of my parents’ life. They got even worse after my parents died. They wanted the world to believe they were devoted and dedicated children. They sought sympathy, publicized their loss and began to fight over money and things. They even initiated a lawsuit over stuff. At the end of my parents’ lives, they couldn’t find the time to call or visit.

Send a message to me anytime you need encouragement. Everything will be okay and you will know you did the right thing.

They will slowly and privately suffer for their own mistakes.

No, you most certainly are not being a selfish brat. The entire responsibility of caregiving should not be only yours even if you choose to be her caregiver and are happy to do it. If you become a slave to caregiving and have no life away from it, you will grow to resent your mother too. Even though you love your mom and want to take care of her by choice, this will happen.
You are not an only child. You have two siblings and she is their mother too.
Everyone here understands where you're coming from. I certainly do. I did not choose to be my mother's caregiver and never wanted to be. I am the convenient choice for everyone. My sibling does absolutely nothing except enjoy her life and chastise me if I have a moment of resentment towards our gaslighting, narcissistic, unreasonable and cruel mother. That's mom on a good day.
Please don't give up everything else in life because you become a slave to the caregiver role. Get outside hired help to come in so you can have a live away from your mom and her needs. Tell your siblings you're going on a vacation, and leave it up to them to arrange your mom's care while you're away. If they refuse to help and ignore you, mention care facility placement for mom. Nothing gets the attention of siblings better then the possibility of losing some of their potential inheritance. They may even pay for some homecare expenses for your mom too. You sound like a wonderful caring person. Resentment will destroy this in a person and in a situation like yours resentment is inevitable. Bring in outside homecare for your mom.

Stop it...Don't hate your siblings. That is very damaging negative energy tearing YOU down, not them.
My husband’s sister HATE us w/a vengeful passion, because we haven’t “helped” in the way THEY wanted us to. We did help: we took mom to medical appointments, sat w/her, visited her, took her to church & lunch on Sundays. My husband ran interference on many occasions & went to her home to calm her down during the middle of a work day. She has plenty of $ for A.L. and soon Memory Care, so our hands-on help is no longer needed in the same way.
We aren’t her POA, nor allowed on the 2 person visitation list when she’s in the hospital.
This “derangement syndrome” hatred from the siblings is all about control. Many times my husband has invited them to sit down and talk it out...but no.
Im not at all saying that you resemble this remark, but if hatred is heaped up verbally on the other siblings...it chases them away.
Hopefully your siblings are nice people and you can have an honest discussion w/them about how they might assist you.

You cannot force your siblings to care for your mom, and attempts to force them will likely backfire and cause estrangement. Make peace with the fact that YOU are the compassionate child, YOU are the better person, and YOU will have no regrets when your mom passes. Caregiving usually falls on ONE child who cares... there are many of us on this forum with no support from siblings. My mom lives with me but I have hired caregivers to help, and I live my own life when they are on duty. Either use your mom’s money to pay for caregivers, or if she has no money, apply for Medicaid in-home care services. You may need an elder attorney to help you through the red tape. There are a lot of senior caregivers looking for work. There is no need to do this 24/7 all by yourself.

hug!!

you wrote:
“Now I never want to talk to them or see them ever again.”

—
i understand.

They won't offer - or they would have already. Ask. Even if they live out of state, can they come for, maybe, 2 weeks at a time so you can have your own vacation. Maybe each of them do 2 - 2 wk times per year. Make it sound like it is very minimal time, which it is. 52 weeks in the year and they cover a total of 8 weeks. It's not selfish - it's way more than fair.

If they refuse to give you that, ask if they will pay for a caregiver for a total of 8 weeks a year (be prepared to negotiate that amt of time).

It is very difficult to listen to siblings talk about how they go here and there without even the slightest consideration that you aren't getting to do those things. I don't think siblings who do this even listen to themselves talk. One sibling told me she phoned in-law siblings to 'set them straight' about how unfair it was that her hubby wasn't getting help with their mom. Really???? I'm not getting help either. They talk to talk. Yep, it creates anger, but for me it is not worth the big blow out and creating a great divide between me and the siblings. Not to mention, my anger only upsets me because these people think being a caregiver was all your own doing so not really their problem. And, I suppose it was my own doing. Just never thought they would be able to watch me doing 24/7 all alone or unable to participate in my own family/life on the other side of the state. Easier to just do one day at a time. We all have to make our choices based on what our hearts say we 'can live with'.

You are not selfish, they are.

I call my brother, his wife and his daughter and her family ufpos. Useless, freeloading pieces of sh^t.
They never come down to help but always have their hand out whining for money. Mom is stupid enough to give it to them. Meanwhile I do all the work and get nothing.

Perhaps it is time to put your foot down and inform your mom that if she refuses to demand they start helping out, she needs to look for a seniors home.

It is unfortunate that the majority of times one sibling does all the work while the rest are no help at all. We are not appreciated for our commitment.

Bing on the site for a while I hear this scenario repeated over and over again. It does not matter what country you live in.

You do not regret caring for mom, very noble and admirable! However, you do want the ability to get our more often: dining-out experiences, travel... Those are not selfish desires but your hunger to get a little more "you" and what you desire back into your life. You are feeling that loss and that is the source of the uncomfortable feelings.

Start with some self-searching. What has changed from "the usual" when your started caring for mom? Be as specific as possible: earlier mornings, no lingering over coffee and the paper, no more going out with friends on the weekends, decreased sleep, intimacy changes... Decide on which of those changes are things your really desire (travel, eating out) and which you really need (more sleep?).

Help! How much time would it take - weekly and monthly - to get back some of that "usual"? Now, ask for help: family members, friends, faith community, paid help for weekly and monthly help so you can get some of that usual back - especially those that impact your physical, mental, and emotional health. Try to get help weekly and monthly to do things without mom - dine out with friends, take trips... since you need to have a a complete life - things your experience with her and life you experience with others. If you need to hire a sitter, pay for it with mom's finances. She would pay more in a nursing home or assisted living.

Do not feel guilty about "non mom time" since burn out is a real problems for caregivers as well as isolation. "Non mom time" builds resiliency in you. It will also get rid of those uncomfortable feelings when siblings share about their experiences. Now, you can share with them about some of your own! Many caregivers feel a bit adrift when caregiving is no longer the mainstay of their lives. You will rely on that "non mom time" when you no longer need to be her caregiver and all your time becomes "non mom time.".

It took years for me to get over it. My sister and I took care of my parents and the other three were nowhere to be seen. Two were estranged and hadn't spoken to Dad for years. When they were notified by my sister that Dad was in hospice they called him the next day, to reconcile and be sure to get their inheritance. My blood boiled! Ultimately, I wrote a book about it entitled Loving Choices, Peaceful Passing: Why My Family Chose Hospice and focused on the peaceful death my father experienced at home, under the care of my sister and me, and with the help of hospice. The siblings were barely mentioned. It helped.

Honestly, you are getting a gift they don't know they are missing. Precious time with your mother. They are the ones that should be jealous. Send them lots of pitures of you with your Mom. Tell them cute stories she is telling you but leave enough out that they'll wish they heard it first hand. "Lost time can never be found," is a saying in the old one room schools. Very true in this case. Once your parents are gone, it is a void never to be filled. Enjoy it while it lasts. I have the same situation, my brother lives out of state and comes to see my father and my mother before she died for about two hours. She had alzheimers and he always said she was crazy. I am hurt for my father, he misses him. If they only knew, my feeling is someday they may be sitting alone and thinking that karma has won in the end. I wrote my brother a poem entitled 120 minutes. It bothered him, but didn't change any behavior. He stops for two hours then goes on his ten day vacation. I am not supposed to mention it because it stresses him out. No account for the stress I've gone through. I am the youngest but act as the oldest. Always have been the responsible one. At least I know where my father is concerned I will have no regrets. The will also reflects my brother's actions so I've been told. That was not by my suggestion. Your siblings might realize later, or not. Thinking of you!

Of course, anyone would feel upset with siblings that do not offer assistance in caring for a parent, but even more so knowing that the siblings are traveling and enjoying themselves with little concern for your labor of love in caring for your mother. Although such anger and resentment is natural, expressing those feelings verbally with your siblings would help alleviate any burden or pressure that you might carry with you due to anger. Then they will know how you feel and if they still don’t want to help or appreciate what you are doing for your mother, you can go on without without feeling disgruntled. Once you state your case, you will be relieved and be able to focus on your mother instead of your siblings.
Every person makes choices that will impact their lives. You have made a better choice. God bless you and all who make the choice of caring for their loved one in their time of need.
It was difficult caring for my mother with Alzheimer’s, but my brother told me I will be rewarded in heaven.
I agree and I never regretted taking care of her. It was and is the most rewarding accomplishment of my life. We will all need help when we reach the stage later in life.

Hi, I really feel for you. I am the long distance caregiver for my elderly 98 year old mother who has memory problems and otherwise lives independently. sort of. That is, I take care of everything--and that includes all of her home delivery orders for food, meals on wheels, banking, taxes, electric bills, yearly rent where she lives, and tons of other things. My 2 brothers, well are not in the picture. Except for one really good thing and that is that one of them, who lives overseas, actually calls her almost every day and this is a source of joy for her.
Yes, I'd have to say I am sometimes resentful, because alot of things can be done online, and anyone who can call can also arrange for things she might need--it is a digital world now. But no one offers (did you expect otherwise???). Alot of my resentment comes from the fact that my mother is not easy to deal with, and ( I discovered this is pretty typical) she is much more pleasant with the 2 sons who live far away.
The way I dealt with my resentment, which is now ebbing, is that 1. I realized after having a good talk with one of them, that he just couldn't handle her decline emotionally, and moved away. Yes he was not being responsible, but I felt much better when he acknowledged how much I had taken up in doing what I do for her. It did damage our relationship, but after going through open discussions with him, things got alot better. 2. I realized that a simple thing such as a daily phone call made my mother so happy, that it takes alot of the burden off me as far as her mood. Very important in avoiding burnout!
3. I finally realized that even if no one else seems to appreciate me (superficially), underneath they really do and 4. When they talk about the good times they are having, they are trying to get me out of my (chronically) bleak mood, and cheer me up. 5. I finally realized I am not perfect and well, that's the way it is. I'll do my best, as well as I can. and 6. Even if no one in this world will reward me for my efforts, ultimately God will, and it is all worth it....
One day, when our loved ones pass, and we were the ones caring for them, with next to no help from anyone else, we will know that we gave as much as we could, and will feel satisfied with that choice in our lives.
Hope this helps. You are not alone!
I hope you can find

I am the long distance caregiver for my 98 year old mother, who lives independently but has some memory issues. I do everything for her, and I mean everything! My 2 siblings do nothing to help at all. Except one calls her almost every day. This helps me in that she gets psychological support.
What helped me was: 1. Realizing I am not perfect, but that I am trying my best 2. Her moods were giving me burnout, but I realized it is part of her dementia and slowly this helped 3. My brothers seem not to care superficially, but after some really good talks, it seems they realize how hard it is, and they could not handle it themselves--and underneath all the telling me how great things are for them, they do understand and in fact seem to be trying to cheer me up. 4. Yes I did feel resentful for a while but now realize that when our elderly parents pass and we have done what we could--with no help, it seems--God will reward us in the end, even if no one on earth will. and we will feel satisfied and happy about it all.
Be easy on yourself. If you are doing your best, then just acknowledge that about yourself. Try asking your siblings to pitch in, maybe a small thing at a time (maybe they can call her more?), and if nothing else, try to give yourself a much needed emotional break by talking and laughing with them about some cheerful topic, to get you away from the present just for a minute.
Like respite---but just brief, in your own head.
Hope this helps....

Do you REALLY love doing for her? I thought originally that I didn't either mind doing for them, sort of payback for all both my parents have done for me. But really, I often am their real life Cinderella. Yes I do stay under their roof (my childhood home) rent free which is how I make ends meet, and I take some responsibility for that, but my less than empathetic sibling washed her hands of ANY family responsibility beyond calling daddy 2x a week to BS him and say she loves him. Well, when ever did she lift a finger to provide any physical labor? When did she ever spend hours scrubbing poop out of bedding or clothing or off a floor? She can't so much as acknowledge an email from me, let alone call ME once in a while and ask how I am (especially in light of the load taking a toll and my nearly dying last fall from an aorta dissection which resulted in emergency surgery...which she had the balls to BLAME ME FOR (because in addition to cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, escorting, bookkeeping etc I should have KNOWN I had high blood pressure). I told her via email that if she wants others to care about HER, she might show some concern about others to which she responded how my emails do nothing but spew hate and anger or similar, AND that she doesn't care if nobody cares about her. A couple months ago one of her two elder, ill cats passed away. Who do you think got the call and offered sympathy and compassion and an ear? More recently it was my father who informed me of the loss of her remaining cat. She apparently recognized she burned her own bridge (to me) and didn't inform me. I feel badly, but now she has created her bed, same as she likes to remind me. I understand your hate, but it is not something I can afford to waste energy on as much as the thoughts haunt me daily. It is unsettling, sad, to be so disconnected from a relationship that one expects to endure through the years. I got over her baseless decision to move far away out of state, and leave this all in my hands. In fact, she was laid off from her job last fall, and if she had cared, she could have moved back to be helpful. But she doesn't like snow and cold. POOOOOOR baby. The bottom line, like so many of us in these situations, is that we are the mature, responsible adults and our siblings are self-centered, irresponsible, excuse filled pieces of you know what. And we're stuck unless we put forth even more effort to see what programs or help is there for US. I have no advice, only an understanding hug...to let you know for sure you are not alone. Go to a support group and discover how sadly you are not alone, but that things could probably be worse. But to confirm: YOU are not selfish, they are; it is NOT jelousy, maybe a little envy, laced with justifiable burnout. Call your area agency on aging and see what resources exist for you so that you can get some time off you can count on weekly. You are not alone! Don't forget.

You're not alone & you are justifiable no matter where they live.
I have disowned my two sisters.
One lives 15 minutes away, the other in AZ.
I may sound like I'm a bitter person, but I'm not.
I am angry, hurt & betrayed &
others should not judge unless they have walked a mile...
I have helped my Dad for 8 years & moved in with him for the last 3 1/2yrs. after a fall he took.
My husband lives at our house & comes over nightly for dinner, does all the honey- dos around my Dad's & does everything at our house.
We have reasons why he cannot move in with us but we do what we have to to make our life work.
I truly have an amazing husband!!
I have zero regrets of taking care if my Dad.
He & my Mom took care of us, now it's our turn well my turn.
My Dad started having heart issues 2 weeks after my Mom's passing in 2011 he also has lung issues due to chronic pneumonia/bronchitis since I was young. His macular has progressed to almost no vision & now he is weak & unsteady.
My one sister would on occasion stay "the weekend" arriving around 5 or 6pm after she "took a nap"
She would either leave by 9am the next morning (not even 24 hrs) or if she felt generous she would stay until Sunday morning which was far & few.
All she did while she was here was sleep. No engaging in conversations with him, in fact most times she'd arrive in her pajamas & leave in them.
My other sister would come to visit 2 times a year spending an hour with my Dad & then all the other time at her in laws, her children wouldn't even bother to stop by, IF my Dad went to dinner that would be the only time he would see them & basically they'd be talking to everyone else & not him.
AZ sister was really great at armchair cheerleading telling me what I should be doing.
They have not stayed up for days taking care wondering if he would be alive, watching to see if he was breathing....she wants to stick him in a home.
Which IS NOT ANYTHING MY DAD WANTS/WANTED.
He should be in a home, really why?? So he'd be away from HIS home where HE feels SAFE, away from his beloved cat that I hear him thank God for nightly for???
So he can be ignored by his daughters & their families even more????
They never call just to see how he is, sometimes 6, 7 months will pass before he gets a call & that's usually prompted by something THEY want.
My AZ sister reported me to adult protective services, because she didn't like that I didn't put him in a home.
This upset my Dad, not to say myself.
I asked my sister who lives close 3 months in advance if she could stay 1 night, so I could do something special for my husband's 60th birthday.
(which by the way they went on a weeks cruise to celebrate my brother in laws 60th)
All of a sudden my AZ sister came out that very night & the both stayed over.
I asked my sister multiple times for over a month when my other sister was going to be out & was lied to.
I asked other family members & was never answered but they took him to dinner that night, so they ALL knew
Actually this bothered my Dad because he was unprepared for it.
My family has been pulling this crap for YEARS & now uses the virus for an excuse.
You can't catch the virus by a phone call or by sending a card....
The words tired, sick, in pain, vacation & day off are NOT in my vocabulary! & yes I still work full time! now from home...I was just taken by ambulance to the ER for an illness & my sister never asked once how i was, she was throwing a hissy fit that she may have to come for the night to be at my Dad's.
Fyi...I was released & was to rest, but the next day I was making meals, washing dishes, doing Dad's laundry, & grocery shopping.
Tell your family to go to hell & then never look back, you nor your Mom need or deserve family like them.
I no longer call them & keep them updated on his Dr, medical & it's made life for Dad & myself harmonious.
If they really wanted to know they'd call & keep track....they do not.
Your feelings are justified!!!
Stay strong

Forgotten2, I am sorry you are going through this. You are not wrong to feel hate or to plan on severing your relationships with them. I know a lot of people will tell you that hate only hurts you, but if that's what you are feeling now, so be it. You can work on that issue later on your own or with a counselor.

My 84 year old mother with dementia has lived with me for 4 years. My brother (lives 7 miles away) and sister (lives 2.5 hours away) do almost nothing to help her or to provide respite for me. I never could have imagined that they would abandon her. My dad died of Alzheimer's complications in 2015 and they were more involved then, despite him being somewhat absent in our lives. I have begged them to please either call or text our mom every day because it definitely still registers with her that she has talked to them. Almost every day she asks me if I know why they are angry with her and why they've abandoned her. Recently I checked her phone and it had been 12 days since my sister had called or texted her. There is no excuse for this. She works very hard full time but has zero other obligations in her life other than to herself and her cat. I asked her several years ago if she could spend 2 of her 5 weeks of vacation each year taking care of our mom. Her response was, "That's not how I choose to spend my time off." I recently told my brother's wife that my brother should think in terms of what kind of relationship he hopes to have in 20 years when he's 80 years old and his only child (daughter) is 40 years old. Does he hope she will call? Stop by? He will be devastated if she does to him what he's doing to my mom.
I am still working through what kind of relationship I want to have with either of them after my mom is gone.

I took care of my brother for 10 years after he had 3 strokes and double brain surgery. I have 2 other brothers who live out of state and they said I had to do it because he lived 2 blocks from me. I didn't mind doing it and never asked them to do it. Eventually my health started failing and I could no longer do it. He has a friend living with him now who takes care of him, but I've been sick 3 years and don't have anyone to help me. And I am angry. I put my goals on hold to take care of him. Now, I need help to sell my house and relocate out of state and buy something near where I can get treatment for a rare genetic blood disease. They tell me they can't help. They would rather their only sister die than have to make a few phone calls and maybe a trip here to help me clean it up and list it. They will go out of their way for friends and people they don't even know. I was always the 1st responder when it came to family needing help. I helped take care of my elders, my brother here, and helped them financially when they needed it. We were always close and never had issues. Till I got sick. I never got married or had kids. I don't live in my homestate anymore but only planned to live here 2 years before moving home. Than my brother moved here and got sick. I had to give up my dreams and help take care of him. Now, I need help and have no one. I do not think its wrong to be angry. What you are doing is selfless. What they are doing is selfish. Just don't run yourself so down you get sick and can't take care of anyone. And know that if you ever need help...you won't be able to count on them. The writing is already on the wall. Best wishes and enjoy the time you have with your elder. ❤🙏⚘