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I am so sensitive to her constant negativity. I feel the need for therapy as her constant and I mean constant complaining causes me great anxiety that can spiral to depression. I try to listen every single day but it is the only topic of conversation that keeps her interest.

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I have family members who do the same thing, when they start, I gather up my things and leave, I have the power to do this. When they start on the phone, I tell them that I do not want to listen to this, and, I hang up, I have the power to do this. If they keep calling me, I block them for a period of time, I have the power to do this.

What do you have the power to do? And, what are you doing to protect yourself from her toxic behavior?

It is up to you to change your reaction towards her, as, she is not going to change.

Don't allow her to pull you any further down, do what is needed to get a handle on your emotions.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Your feedback was very helpful. I’m getting “free” therapy here from the kind & helpful folks who reached out. It truly helps to know I’m not alone. I do have the power to react differently... I think I’m in a depressed rut. I’m working on it... you gave me hope.
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Every single word coming out of my 93 y/o mother's mouth is negative. A put down of someone else, mostly, even those family members who do nice things for her. Since she's been diagnosed with dementia in 2016, things have only gotten worse.....she forgets she's told me the same BS 100x so she will say it again. And again. It's maddening. Let me say, however, that she has always been a horribly negative person with never a decent thing to say about ANYONE. Thank God she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living so I can limit my visit times and leave when she gets too foul. I call daily and will cut the call short when she gets too negative. Like tonight, she was insisting her friend was "faking it" with her memory issues, believe it or not! I vamoosed it off the phone in short order because what's the point in even listening to such nonsense??

Let go of the negativity immediately after listening to it, cut the exposure to it down to a minimum , and move on with your day. Under NO circumstances should you even consider moving such an Energy Vampire into your home!!!! Then there is no escape, literally. Right now, YOU get to choose how long you listen to the nonsense. Keep it that way!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Lealonnie,

I think what got to me most were the passive aggressive digs. You know, pretending to be nice, then out of left field comes the insults that just flatten us, right? I would think to myself, wait, did she just say that? Some of the comments were truly hard to believe that a mom could say these things to their only daughter, ahhh, but she did.
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Stop being her barf bag. You don't have to let her barf all her negativity on you, that doesn't do anything but harm you.

Change the subject and if she gets nasty, tell her that you are leaving and leave.

It is okay to protect yourself when dealing with your parent.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Yes I agree with you about shutting down when she gets negative... however when I do that - I feel bad about it AND she just forgets & continues the negative BS cycle.,
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Your mother sounds quite depressed and is ruminating on the past.

This is not good for HER (also not good for you, but want to point out that you're not doing her a kindness by listening to her rehash old wounds).

Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. There are antidepressant meds that specifically target rumination. ((((((Hugs)))))) and good luck.
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Riverdale Feb 2020
Do you feel that there are very specific antidepressants for the issues described by the poster? Lately at times I feel unsure if I am on the right one.
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My father seems to thrive on all the slights in his life, especially the perceived slights from his own father. Often I feel if I have to hear it one more time, I will spontaneously combust. His other big obsessions are bowel movements, money, and what the neighbors are doing (or not doing). The only thing that seems to break the spell is the cat. Her presence seems to distract him long enough to let the other stuff go for a few minutes. I love that cat.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
You made me laugh... and I thank you for making me feel less alone. It appears our aging family members are all on the same page! Thank you for caring!
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Why on earth do you “try to listen”? Why don’t you begin to avail yourself of all of your potential opportunities NOT to listen?

Do you love music? Athletic events? Politics? Gardening and home design? Cooking?

There’s a wonderful world open to you of auditory stimuli that are NOT your mother’s whining, nagging voices seek it out!

She can, and no doubt will, complain about anything she wants, but if you convince her, by use of ear speakers, that you aren’t able to listen to her because you’re listening to something ELSE that you FIND interesting and pleasant, she will need to employ some other conversational gambit, or perhaps silence, to engage you, and you can choose when and if you wish to accept her attempts.

By all means, find a compassionate therapist if you need to. Worked wonders for me. But DON’T feel as though you’re doing yourself, OR HER, any favors by being her built in audience.

Encourage any attempts on her part to take part in pleasant, interactive conversation, and make the ear buds your go to when she launches into a diatribe about her unfulfilled past.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Fantastic feedback - I appreciate so much! Thank you. I too had a great therapist- but she was not covered my my insurance plan ... and unfortunately the cost became prohibitive to continue. She did give me advice that I should never move in with my mother should she need more care... I’ll always remember that. She was the first person to make me realize my sanity and happiness mattered just as much.
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Sometimes I wonder if it’s the dementia talking or if this is how she really feels about me. She’ll bring up things I did in my teenage years from over 50 years ago. My brother was no angel either but somehow she never brings up anything negative about him.

She has even spoken negatively about my Dad who passed away 22 years ago & her best friend who won’t take her out anymore because she’s a fall risk.

It got to the point where I would just leave or say goodbye when she started talking like this.

I found this website and it has been so helpful to me to see that others are going through the same thing & everyone shares their thoughts & solutions. I just wish I had found this site years ago when I was caring for my mom and I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now.

I hope this website offers you some way of dealing with what you are going through. Hugs to you!
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My mother, who generally has a pleasant personality, had always had a tendency to ruminate about past injustices. After developing MCI this tendency increased a bit and focused on my estranged brother's recent bad actions. Although Mom has reason to feel wronged by my brother, I do not feel focusing on his offences and being angry on a daily or multiple times a day basis is good for her. I sure didn't want to listen to it that often either. So I changed the topic. "Yes, I agree he was wrong, but what he did is in the past and talking about it doesn't change anything. Let's talk about something more pleasant like the beautiful day, or how cute your great-grandson looks playing in the yard outside your window." It usually works. Acknowledge her pain and anger are valid, state all the talking about it in the world won't change what has happened, then ask her to move on to a new topic. It might help you and your mother too.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Everything you mention - I do try with my mom... I’m always there to listen & sympathize. It’s just hard to see my once vital and hip mother now turn into this miserable negative imposter. The worst part is that my brothers & sis don’t see it because they don’t interact on daily basis.
thank you for being so insightful & kind. I truly appreciate your words.
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daughter62sad, your therapist was right!!DONT EVER MOVE IN WITH YOUR MOTHER EVER!!!! Read it again!!!I am going through the same thing with my mother. I have limited contact with her now. I never take her out to dinner anymore. She acts worse than a 2 year old. At least with a 2 year old you can scoop them up and get them out of the restaurant quickly!!!
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Daughter62, if she just forgets, why feel bad about enforcing a boundary that helps you?

Seriously think about this. It doesn't adversely affect her, so you need to protect yourself from negativity that is adversely affecting you. You have no reason to feel bad, it is totally acceptable to protect yourself from anyone or anything that puts your wellbeing in peril.
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