I'm frighted to death right now. My mom has just been attacking me verbally. My mom is probably experiencing early signs of dementia. She says she's hungry and sick and is angry with me that I ask her what she wants to eat. She's having a hard time making up her mind when asked to make a decision, mostly about food. I'm wondering if her low self esteem could be a major part of her not knowing what she wants or don't want. Many times her response is, "give me anything." It's a problem for me because she is critical of decisions. I try to give her two options, even that at times is problematic. How do I approach this? I want her to have meals on wheels but I can't seem to get that going. Any suggestions. I'm living with her in Farmingville Long Island NY. Please help me. Please.
Perhaps instead of just telling her what her 2 choices are(which you should never give her more than 2)you should show her what her 2 choices are and just let her point to which she would prefer.
I'll give you an example as I had to do this with my late husband who had trouble towards the end of comprehending what was being said. He loved hotdogs and Stouffers meatloaf and mashed potatoes frozen dinners, so I would show him the frozen dinner and a pack of hotdogs and he would just point to which he wanted that night for supper.
It saved us both a lot of frustration. You may want to give that a try.
But also know that if your moms care is getting to be just too much for you to handle that it's ok to start looking into facilities to get her placed in, as you deserve to live out your years in peace.
They can make a big difference.
if she is 94, you’re probably in your 60s? You don’t need to tolerate her verbal abuse. Fix a meal, and if she complains, put it in the refrigerator and tell her she can get it out and have it when she’s hungry and wants to eat. Then go about your business. And do continue to pursue the Meals on Wheels option. It takes some of the pressure off.
if her harshness is a lifelong trait, or continues to be unbearable despite medication, you don’t have to continue living with her. (You don’t in any case, actually.). If necessary see an Elder Law attorney about how to place her in care based on her financial situation, and return to living peacefully on your own. Do you have her POA?
You may want to schedule a neurology appointment now, since they usually have a wait, to begin addressing her cognitive issues.
i hope you will find solutions. Please don’t let her criticisms unnerve you. Let us know how it goes. Many people here have been in similar situations. You’re not alone.
You are an adult and don't have to be afraid or react to her verbal abuse. You give her dinner (same as whatever you're making for yourself) and if she doesn't like it you or criticizes it, you quietly get up and clear it away and go to a different part of the house. You cannot reason with a person with dementia so don't waste any energy on it.
Please consider facility care for her if you cannot improve her moods and her care is overwhelming or depressing you. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or burnout is imminent. You aren't responsible for her happiness, since dementia usually ends an elder's ability to be happy about anything. You don't need to be a People Pleaser or a Rescuer. She's lived a good, long life and you need to move on to live the rest of yours well. May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you prepare for changes.