As the title says, my 81 year-old father has no end-of-life documents (other than a will). I gave him an ultimatum to complete the documents (POA, Living Will, Healthcare Surrogate, Funeral/Burial, etc.) as he has been in and out of the hospital and rehab for the last year. He also lives in a hoarding situation where it is very difficult to move from room to room.
Dad texted me today that he will comply and complete the paperwork, but will not give copies (except the living will) to anyone. He will keep them in his safe (that stays unlocked) and give a key to his disgusting condo to a friend in case something happens to him.
I am my mother's POA and my sister is her healthcare surrogate. Mom and Dad are divorced for context. Mom gave us copies of everything 22 years ago including a list of her financial institutions. Even with this it has been a nightmare handling her financial and medical affairs as she has dementia.
I'm trying to avoid an emergency situation with my Dad, because handling this for my Mom has taken a toll on my health and caused unbelievable stress for my family.
Does anyone have an idea of why my Dad is being so difficult, awkward, and secretive? I've already seen his will and nothing surprising there. And would I be wrong to keep pushing for copies of the POA, Healthcare Surrogate, Burial plans, etc?
Thanks in advance!
You don’t even know if these documents actually were signed.. My father told me something similar. He and my mother went to an attorney for a consultation, I remember my mother showing me the boilerplate of the irrevocable trust and yelling about how she was going to lose their veterans real estate tax benefit (not true). They never signed any of it.
One day years later he told me that all his signed legal documents were in the china closet . I looked in there and found the unsigned boilerplate. He already did not know which end was up and that was years ago.
Also what happens if something happens to this friend?
Did he go to a lawyer to do these documents?
Too many unknowns to ferl confident that all is in place.
Do you actually want to be the responsible person? For example, as POA, you might be responsible for clearing or managing his hoard with the condo association if he is sick or not competent. Will he abide by whatever health decisions you would make for him, or would he fight your choices? You might be better off not accepting these roles and when the time comes, you can then choose whether to take the responsibility or not.
Did you give him the actual FORMS to fill out and sign? He may not want to pay a lawyer, and thinks he needs one?
If he says he creates a PoA but doesn't show the document or keep it somewhere accessible, then the court-assigned guardian scenario will probably still play out. The PoA absolutely needs to have the documents with them when they are at the ER with the principal.
As others have suggested, he may be paranoid. Try having a non-threatening talk with him in the morning before he sundowns. Do not give him "ultimatums", just information and then act like you don't care which he decides and that if he makes things difficult you won't have any problem with a stranger making decisions for him. That's as much as you can do.
May you receive peace in your heart no matter the path he takes.