I finally received a call from her last September after 20 years of deliberate avoidance. In those 20 years our lives certainly changed. So many times I needed her and she was not there for me. She just inherited a huge amount of money and now is dying. Her own family is a mess...and she, dying from lung cancer, while she continues to smoke and drink. So Sad. I do forgive but it is hard for me to forget the emotional abusive behaviors. The lies and ridicule I endured from jealousy. I took care of my mother struggling with alcoholism, cirrhosis, bleeding ulcers and bronchitis. My sisters were too busy in their lives to help . They lived within one hour of her...I lived 8 hours away. I would drive to see mom and care for her, clean her house, take her to appointments, and take her out ...for dinner, lunch, a drive...dress her up like she loved, once a month for 3 years. Thankful to have such a wonderful mom and amazed that both sisters were too busy to care. And now this sister is in hospice and I am being summoned to come. And I am afraid to see her in this condition. It is a thousand mile journey. She expects me there now. I read all of these posts because I was my mother's caregiver and it was difficult but I loved my mother and appreciated her incredible efforts in raising us all . Now, as I pack my bags and make all of the arrangements to travel , dealing with my own respiratory illness, having to travel with portable oxygen, 65 now, sister is just 67...help me to understand how to lay down the torment of the unresolved past. I cannot bring any of it up any more. Regurgitating any of the hurt and deprivation makes me sick. I know it will hurt her too. How do I offer loving kindness devoid of memories? She is already lying and manipulating the course demanding her own needs and giving no concern to my own health, costs, or responsibilities at hand. Certainly my needs are not as desperate as hers. I just want to go with the best loving spirit but I am afraid as this family's history is of abuse, torment and rejection. I'm sorry if this is not the right forum for this discussion...but your caring input would be so appreciated.
Christ tells us to forgive so we can be forgiven. He also says that we need to forgive many many times. So you may have to forgive your sister over and over again. It's not easy and doesn't just happen over night but can happen over a period of time.
Ask yourself how you will feel if you don't go. Once your sister is gone will you regret not going?
Take care of yourself and find those things that make YOU happy and go towards them. Having a fulfilled life of your own may make forgiveness easier.
God Bless
Say niceties, keep to neutral topics. Don't drudge up the past. It will only end in hurt & anger.
If things start to turn ugly or controlling (my money is on that) you need to cut the visit short.
You need to rest or whatever.
Go in with no expectations and you will save yourself a lot of grief.
Also Grey rock works if she is pushing buttons, or demanding anything from you. You can look that up on you tube vids. You just don't give them ammunition to engage in an argument.
Good luck
I envision you with a hunk of cement chained to your ankle. The iron cuff cuts sharply you drag it along inch by inch. The cement has gotten denser over the years. If your travel those thousand miles to see your sister, will the cuff magically release? Or is it likely you'll be dragging it back home with you?
If meeting with your sister won't be mutually beneficial, don't go.
Cut her loose. Save yourself.
My brother hurt me tremendously but he was also very loving and caring at times. I tried really hard to find a balance and not focus solely on what he did wrong. This made it easier for me to forgive him.
I may be rare but when I forgive, I do not hold onto the past. I let it go. I don’t necessarily do it for the other person. I do it for myself. I don’t want to be weighed down. Why allow a person’s past actions to continue to hurt us? That doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s over and done with. None of us can change the past and why should it influence our current situation or the future?
Some people don’t move forward if they do not receive an apology. An apology is nice to hear. You may deserve an apology. Had I waited for an apology my brother and I would have never made peace with each other.
I was told my three nurses at my brother’s hospice house that my brother expressed sorrow to them for things that he did to hurt me. That was a good enough apology for me.
Sometimes people don’t apologize to someone out of embarrassment or fear of how you will react. They fear that you will reject the apology or belittle them in some way. It’s not always a ‘black and white’ situation. There are lots of gray areas.
He didn't know I was coming and when I walked up to his bed, he actually smiled and was happy to see me. We talked very little, as he had COPD with influenza and was on a ventilator mask. I just sat there and we looked at each other noticing how time had changed us both. I held his hand and smiled at him a lot too. I told him I loved him and he told me the same.
A few days later, the doctors informed us his lungs had completely stopped working and he would have to remain on the ventilator permanently. At that point, he decided it was time to let go. As his life slipped away, not every moment was peaceful. A nurse had made the mistake of turning up his oxygen and he regained consciousness. The dad I always knew made one last appearance, but thankfully it was short lived.
When he passed, I was by his side, holding his hand and my other hand was on his chest. I felt him take his last breath. At that moment, I leaned over his bed and hugged him. It was the best experience I ever had with him in my entire life. I was finally able to be close to him emotionally without all hurt feelings and sadness. I finally felt the love I had always wanted from him, even though he was gone. It was a very powerful moment for me.
I would go visit your sister with an open heart and no expectations. If it is not going well, you can leave and feel you did your best. You just don't know what will happen. If something good comes of it, believe me, you will be glad you made one last effort.
I think the most important thing for you to do is to decide how you want closure for yourself with your sister. Perhaps writing a letter to your sister (which you don't send) pouring your hurtful memories and if you are able, forgiveness, on paper might help release some of the pain. Then let it set for a few days - perhaps ritually burn or shred the paper. Cry or be angry as needed. Finally, decide what you are or are not willing to do in response to your sister. Self-care and self-love are important. Whatever you do, do it for your own peace of mind.
You were a different person in the past and so was your sister. You have changed over the past 20 years; she probably has too.
Acknowledge that there was hurt in the past, but don't hold the hurt to you like a lifeline. Offer forgiveness so that you are not consumed by bitterness. She isn't looking at your health concerns or her own; she is looking at the last opportunity to connect. Your sister is reaching out to you to in her last days that she can.
Offer the kindness that you would offer any person. Let your last memories of your sister be ones of peace.
May I encourage you with a Bible verse from my studies this week.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but on the contrary, BLESS, for this is what you are called to do, that you may receive a blessing too.
You can forgive in your heart and mind
But are you really looking for an apology?
An apology makes forgiveness "easier"
Did she herself make the call and ask you to come? Or was it a family member or Hospice staff member?
If she actually made the call to you maybe a conversation on the phone to sort of see how the conversation will go and if there may be the same feelings. If so based on your own health problems you have a real legitimate reason not to make the trip. If she seems to want to "put things right" you again can make the decision to go or not. Based on your health problems no one will question your decision.
IF you decide to go do this for yourself. If she begins with the same type of talk that began this get up and leave.
You could also decide to do video chats before you actually make the decision to go. That might give you an idea how the in person conversations will go.
Side note here. When I met my Husband and I found out he had a brother and sister that he had not talked to in over 20 years I was floored. I just could not understand that. By a strange set of circumstances and the stars aligning the right way we happened to be in the same place at the same time as his sister (who lived about 1000 miles away) and I had a very nice conversation with her and thankfully things were patched up before my Husband died. (I lovingly called my Husband a "Stubborn Pigheaded German" his sister will agree the whole family was like that) I still talk to her at least once a month.
That’s all you need to know.
if you go and she is lucid enough to communicate, I’m sure she will say something to hurt you. I understand because that is the pattern in my family. Even a pleasant, “Are you tired?”can have a nasty intent and can be hard to shake.
My sister has repeatedly reeled me in with a nice message, only to zing me- for sport? Some of her zings are untrue, but still, as my big and formerly admired-by-me sister, somehow I wind up obsessing over it.
When my parents were sick and dying she always had a reason she couldn’t come. If she did come, she would stay for the bare minimum. I needed her support in those days, because I was our parents’ caretaker. My parents needed her too. Did she visit only for show? To get the empathy of others? She posted online, “I stayed by Dad’s side day and night following his stroke.” (True— one day and one night she visited during dad’s month-long hospital stay).
Sometimes her Facebook posts revealed that her reasons for not being able to come were untrue. (I.e., she claimed her child was suffering from an infection following a surgical procedure so she couldn’t visit mom on hospice, but then posted photos of her child at a birthday party that she had the nerve to photographically document and publish.
I found that my interactions with my sister were abusive. My sister was rude, sure, but I was the one abusing myself by putting myself in emotional harm’s way by waiting on her train tracks to see if she would be sweet this time—or run me over.
Mom finally said she never cared to see my sister again. I have decided if Mom was at peace with that, I can be too.