Going to see my estranged sister in hospice ...how do I forgive her for the years of deliberate hurtful jealous behavior?

Dearest, you have broken the cycle with your love , care and attention to those you care about and to whom you care.
The same has happened to me with my sister as l educated myself and married a foreigner. All was good and yet not easy for me. I have the respect and love of many around the world for all l helped.
l also cared for my mother and went half way around the world leaving a young teen with my husband for almost four months, and my daughter and her husband who had a toddler while they were still selling my fantastic house. My sister lived a few hours away only.
She came to the funeral and my brother flew from the West Coast. She never visited mother before or or after mother’s brain cancer surgery and neither when brother’s were dying.
Now my sister is in a nursing home and her three children have so few cousins or family back-up themselves , and it is doubtful they are close to each other. There is a saying, ‘one hand cannot clap’. It can be used in many instances as for love and appreciation for an idea, family and for joy of our lives.
If my sister asks me to visit l will do it this once but would not again. She is a person who endears herself to herself but not to whom or what matters in life. It is sad that there are people like this in the world. And then, there are we, who are out to help and make the world a better place. There are more of us in humanity and of the world and we must stay the course of good.
You will do fine the way you are thinking and acting. Do what is right for you. If her family reach out to you do the same lovingly and be the graciious person you are in the post.
My heart and love goes out to you!

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.
oprah winfrey

This quote has helped me in so many ways.

My caregiver role was similar ~ keep your focus on the joys and gift of time with your mother.

The feelings of disappointment, anger that we have towards siblings comes not only for ourselves but also watching the toll it took on our parents. Our parents are in a better place now and not worried about it.

listen to Oprah ❤️
live life with no regrets

Let us know how you made out

I personally don't think you owe who anything. If I was on poor health I wouldn't go she's not worth it.

If I were in your place, I would not go. I think we, as women are conditioned to care for everyone but ourselves. At your age and with your own issues, you should be taking care of yourself. Saying “I just can’t do this anymore” is not selfish or unkind. It recognizes that you have limits. You have boundaries. It portrays a self respect that your sister has never had for herself or you. God bless you!

Let the forgiveness of your sister be for YOURSELF. Forgiveness doesn't mean we have to forget or condone anyone's behavior. It just means we let go of all the hurt and anger that these events caused, knowing that people are human and have their different psychological or spiritual issues that cause them to act poorly. We ALL have them (that means you, too). Who is to say why your sisters didn't help your mom. Maybe just like how a few unpleasant incidents - out of the many years of knowing your sister -defined how you judge your sister completely is how she judged your mom as well. Maybe she didn't know how to let go of her negative internal dialog about her mom as well and that's why she didn't visit her before her passing. Fortunately you had good memories of your mother but that may not have been her experience.

Dont get me wrong - I know people can be toxic, especially when alcoholism is involved. Your avoiding her is completely understandable. Go easy on yourself. Don't feel like you need to rehash 20 years of lost time and why or any of that. You have a beautiful heart and want to be there for your family because that's the kind of person YOU are. Take pride in that truth about yourself, regardless of how your sister acts about you visiting. Learn to laugh a bit about people's flaws (including your own!). Her manipulating you into visiting her on her death bed could be maddening or hilarious - the choice is up to you. Choose to enjoy all the oddities in this life. Life is so short and soon enough it will be completely over. I have a rule that if something doesn't really impact my physical well being or my financial security, then I look for the humor in the situation and move on. Happy to report that people tell me I look 10 years younger than I really am haha.

Love and understand people for who they are and let go of wishing they were different, otherwise you will always stew in your own frustration - and stewing is no one else's fault, that is your choice. Doesn't mean you have to keep subjecting yourself to any kind of abuse, but forgiveness will give you more power in choosing who YOU really want to be and you'll find yourself less conflicted and feel less victimized when you realize people are the sum of their own experiences and we can't expect them to always see things our way.

I feel sorry for your sister that she had a rough life with addiction and felt like instead of working on her own progress, she felt too inadequate and instead tried to tear down others in jealousy. I feel sorry for her that she lost 20 yrs with you because of she didn't know how to just be happy for you. I'm glad you're visiting her at this time in her journey and that she had the courage to reach out (probably wasn't easy for her to do). This is the time to wear her shoes and reflect on HER journey in this life and celebrate it with her before she goes, not tally up all her mistakes. God bless you for choosing love over all else.

Forgiveness gives you peace.She is dying you have to let her know you forgive her to release that bondage of hurt she has you in.

I am glad you have made the decision to go. Just don't go with any expectations. No mentioning of the past. If she brings it up and apologizes, except it. If she gets nasty, tell her that is not why you came. Tell her your there for her and you really want to be.

Looks like you have your faith so you will get thru this. God puts us in certain places for a reason. May not know why now but it will become evident at some point.

Healthy self, I love your name. When I first read it, I read heal thy self and then I saw the struggles you are facing and the decisions that you have made and are making and that was when I saw Healthy self in it. That is who you are and that is who is going to see your sister, you, healthy self.

You have got this. You are going to have so much victory during this trip. Remember that alcohol offers you nothing but heartache, so that is not going to be a problem, no matter what happens, it may be a delicate thread but, a spiderweb is the most delicate thing, yet it has more strength than steel. You got this sister!

May The Lord walk with you and keep you every step of your journey. May HE soften your sister's heart and give her peace and may HE give you both wisdom, strength and reconciliation.

I love how you were prepared so gently for her coming back into your life. HE always knows exactly what we need and how we need to receive it.

Godspeed and GREAT BIG WARM HUG!

I appreciate your comment. I really like the "burning ritual." I'll do that. I've done that at times in the past...it works...helps to bring an end. I am going. I do have a gentle heart...I will go with God's grace, mercy and guidance. I have a close friend in the same town...and several churches I know from years ago...all will be safe places to weep and forgive and reset. My mother is buried there too...and I haven't been to her grave in a long time. It will be a good trip...and I will bring love and dignity to my sister ...regardless of her attacks...I can't walk in the mire anymore...


Thank you for giving me guidance...it has been very helpful .

I think that if you look at the position she is in now - and see it - you can come to terms of 'what's the point of hanging on to all this baggage anymore'. If you can't come up with an "I forgive you for everything' when you see each other, then don't. Before or after you go, print what you wrote here. Go outside to the bbq pit and read it outloud. Then say I forgive you to the universe. Burn the paper and let it go. You can't change 20 years. You've managed to live with out her all this time and obviously feel something kind or you wouldn't even go. Let her AND yourself off the hook. Our born-to families are not always the same friend/family that provided love and support in the adult years.

I would go and tell my sister goodbye if I could do it with an open heart and bravely face whatever comes (leaving the negative emotions at home) - whether sis asks for forgiveness, gives forgiveness or gets in her final dig. None of us are perfect and we all hurt others whether intentionally or unintentionally. We all need to forgive and be forgiven.

If you are dogged by to many negative emotions against your sister, maybe it would be the wisest decision to forego the visit. No one can tell you what to feel.

For me, forgiveness is a continuous journey. It's easy say the words I forgive you, it's harder to leave behind the resentment, anger and hurt. It's even harder to forget - maybe we're not meant to forget. To leave behind the resentment, anger and hurt I have to keep saying "I forgive you" until the negative energies become nothing more than a bittersweet memory. And while I feel what I feel - hanging on the the negative emotions I find poisons my soul - preventing me from finding joy in my life.

I pray you and your family are blessed with peace and grace and that you are ok with whatever decision you make.

Healthyself,

My sister refused people that she felt had done her wrong in her final days.

It hurt my heart that she didn't give them a chance to apologize and ask for her forgiveness. She was to afraid to be hurt again, I think. She wouldn't talk about it. But I do feel that she missed some awesome blessings in her refusal to be open to these people. I don't think that any of them intended to come and be hurtful to her on her death bed. If they were, well that is between them and God and I would not want to be in those shoes.

Come up with a neutral line that you can say to stop her from venturing into territory that you can not deal with. I am not comfortable with that subject. That is in the past. Doesn't matter anymore. Whatever helps you get through it.

Pray for her, between now and when you see her. Because I promise you that you will be able to let go of the hurt when you sincerely pray for her. I am speaking from personal experience and it is liberating to let go of the past hurts, regardless of what the other party does or doesn't do.

That way you can walk in with a pure heart towards her, what she does is on her and I pray that she doesn't use this as an opportunity to inflict further damage. Imagine what HE would think about that. Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget and lay down and let it happen again.

You matter and your heart matters, if she tries to be hurtful, walk away and know that you did what you felt was the right thing and she decided not to.

May God give you strength and wisdom to deal with this difficult situation. Godspeed!

Her behavior in the past should be pitied, because imagine what she thought of herself to treat her sister the way she did. It is really sad when you see past the hurt they cause.

Nowhere is it written that you're required to forget. It's your choice to forgive, which you clearly did with your mother, so I guess you know you can do it.

Why are you going to see this sister -- because she summoned you, because you expect her to apologize for her wrongs, or because you expect to be the beneficiary of her big inheritance? It probably isn't because you want to reconcile, so ask yourself what's really propelling you to even consider this trip.

If you choose not to make the trip, write your sister a letter explaining what's going on with your thinking on the subject if you like. The fact that she's dying adds some immediacy to any possible reconciliation, but absent that, what kept her from seeking it out before now? It may sound cruel, but dying isn't an excuse to suddenly deciding to do the right thing.

No matter what you choose to do--you will have some level of regret. Don't go expecting to lay the past to rest, like a Hollywood story. It may actually make you feel worse. Prepare yourself mentally for either.

My abusive older brother died unexpectedly, 9 years ago. I chose not to go to the hospital when he lay there, brain dead and just waiting for his kids to show up from various cities before they pulled the plug.

I had zero regrets about not 'making nice' before he died. It would have been a complete lie and I wanted no part of that.

This is something only you can decide upon. I wish you luck. Believing in an afterlife, I know I have plenty of 'time' to make this right. It just couldn't happen when the brother was alive and consciously making decisions that impacted lives so negatively.

Good Luck.

This could be a huge positive for you, view it that way. Go in looking at it as a chance for healing. If you need emotional distance to keep you in a good place, deliberately choose to look at it as a business trip, you’re finishing up business. Tell your sister that you care and say goodbye. Then go do something nice for just you, find something in her area that you enjoy and do that. I wish you healing and peace

I think you should do this for YOURSELF. Put all the judgements and hurts aside, and go see your sister to say goodbye. Nobody is perfect as a human; we all have our faults. Whether we're alcoholics or self-centered or jealous in nature, we're imperfect. But when it all boils down to the last days of our lives, all that matters is family. Not 'stuff' or money or what happened years ago. For all you know, your sister wants to apologize to you for all the pain she's caused you; to make amends with you before she leaves this Earth to continue her journey. I think you owe it to her and to yourself to have this visit. To say your goodbyes, to make your peace.

Put your anger and resentment away and go see your sister with an open and loving heart. Share some memories you have of her in the good days when you were both very young and before all the nonsense started. Kiss her on the forehead & wish her a safe journey moving forward. Let her know you'll meet again.

Good luck & Godspeed.

As I read your posting I am thinking of the similarities that we share. I had a difficult relationship with my brothers that caused me a lot of anguish in my life. One of my brothers had addictions. He died of liver disease.

I cared for my mom and dad. They never drank or smoke. Daddy had smoked during the war. Mom asked him to quit and he was one of the rare people that could quit cold turkey. Daddy was ‘true blue’ to my mom. He wasn’t the type to stop off for a drink after work. He only had eyes for my mom. Mom doted on my father. They were extremely responsible in all aspects. They were married over 50 years.

So, how did their first born become the opposite personality is a mystery. I suppose because there was no education on addictions back then. Sadly my brother was influenced by peer pressure and addictions ruined his life. Oh, he had succeeded in ways too. He had his own business at one time. He married a woman and had a family. At one time he literally lived a couple of houses away from my mom and didn’t bother to do anything for her. She did for him, though, whenever he needed something.

Anyway, all of my siblings did their own thing. My parents always relied on me because I was the ‘dependable’ one. I find most parents will love their kids enormously, in spite of troubles in their lives. That certainly was the case with my mom and brothers. Funny though, I never got babied. Actually, I am grateful though, because I learned to stand on my own feet. I didn’t go to my parents to bail me out if I needed help. I simply got another job if I had to. It killed me but somehow I survived. YOUTH! We can endure a lot of things when we are young.

I took care of my oldest brother when he became ill. It was heartbreaking. I loved him as a brother. I hated that he chose the wrong path in life. When he did get clean, he was wonderful. If only, he could have beaten his demons permanently. Some people never do and remain addicts. It’s sad.

We were estranged for awhile too, but I did take mom to see him in hospice. All I can say is, that I said a silent prayer to find love and mercy in my heart. I literally begged for His grace to be able to overcome my bitterness that I held in my heart from being so hurt by him.

God gave me the grace to find mercy for a dying man. I told him that I loved him. We shared a few stories, some sad, some laughs about funny things in the past. I prayed that he wouldn’t suffer and hospice was absolutely incredible. He did not suffer and was able to die with dignity.

I completely forgave him. I know that he was truly sorry for the pain that he caused others. It broke my heart that mom had to bury her son. I do find comfort that mom, who recently died, my dad and my brother are at peace and reunited in the afterlife.

Of course, your feelings are valid. You are entitled to feel as you do. Do whatever you need to do for you. For me though, I knew that I could not have lived with myself had I held onto the hurt. Plus, as soon as I looked into his eyes, I felt nothing but compassion for him.

This is your call, your feelings. No judgment from me. It is a difficult choice.

I wish you peace as you face this challenging situation. Take care.

If you cannot set aside your own torment in order to provide some peace to someone who needs it, someone who has called you and asked you to attend, someone who is honestly a perfect stranger, the don't go.
If you can listen to her, WHATEVER she has to say, whether it is a final condemnation from her own side, or to say she is sorry then go. If you can forgive her and smile gently and say "Sis, next go around we will do better", then go.
The past is the past. Nothing can change it. NOTHING CAN CHANGE IT. This is not some movie romance. This is real life and your Sister is about to exit it.
What she wants of you, I cannot imagine. If she wants to say one last mean thing, tell her you are sorry for all her pain and anger. If she wants to apologize tell her you will do better next life, the two of you. If she wants to tell you all her money goes to charity tell her you are happy for the charity. If she wants to leave you some, tell her you will put it to good use. If you don't want to regurgitate the past tell her that you didn't come to regurgitate the past as it is gone, but came because she asked you to, and to wish her the best now that can be for her.
What good does your anger do you? Anger eats US from the inside out. It destroys our lives. If you need help feeling, explaining, exploring the pain of the past then therapy is the only answer for that. This visit to your sister isn't that.
As I said, you know yourself. You do not owe your sister anything. If you do not wish to go, then don't go; allow yourself the grief that some things can't be fixed or a fix comes too late, and move on. If you wish to go then go with an open and gentle heart.
I sure wish you the best. I would love to hear an update on your decision. My heart goes out to you for all the pain you have suffered, and I am so sorry for it and all you have endured.

Honestly?

I wouldn't go.

You're about to put yourself through a heck of an ordeal, and the reward you're hoping for (presumably) is some sort of conciliatory encounter which will allow you to feel that you are helping your sister prepare to rest in peace, and ensure that you have no regrets.

Well now. Unless you think that the odds are good, and that is the kind of encounter you will succeed in having, you shouldn't go.

I guess it's just about possible she wants your forgiveness. I hope you're not expecting to be asked, though.

Whatever happens, Do Not Go solely because it is expected of you. Make a considered decision based on realistic probabilities.

You don't have to forgive anything your sister(s) or anyone else did to you, ever. There are some things you can forget about and move on, but that does not mean that you HAVE to forgive them. I would do a video visit, if your sister tries to bring up the past I would nip it in the bud and say. "I am here to visit you, but I am not here to bring up the past or listen to you lie to me". If she persists keep repeating that and if she does not understand, end the call. You might want to visit a clergy member or a mental health counselor before you visit to get yourself mentally prepared for the visit.

Remember, you can forgive but you do not need to forget. Do what you need to do for you. Do not bring up the past. If she gets nasty, walk away. Hope you are renting a room.

You are better than me. I may not have gone. I stay away from people who are condescending and manipulative.

If you feel seeing her in person is the right thing to do then do it. However I would be cool and detached in person with her. Guard yourself against any new pain she can inflict. Why does she want to see you now after so many years?

Healthyself,

Go and see your sister in person. It's the right thing to do.
She's in hospice care because of terminal lung cancer. You say you've forgiven but seem unable to refrain from snide judgment about her still smoking and drinking even when posting about it. That doesn't sound like forgiveness. Your sister is going to die. If she quit smoking and drinking now, it would not change that.
Your sister wants to see you. She did not "summon" you after 20 years. She called you. The choice is yours whether or not you see her.
It's not about sibling rivalry or how much you had to do for your mother without help from your sisters. You say here that you were thankful for your wonderful mom and imply that you enjoyed doing for her. Your two sisters could have had very different experiences with mom growing up. Even if everyone is in the same home.
Your sister in hospice may have been a terrible sister. You have every right to have hard feelings if she wronged you and treated you badly. That's totally understandable.
Go see her though. If not for her, for yourself. You can push the hard feelings and resentment to the back of the bus for one day. These feelings will still be there after your sister dies and a therapist can help you work through them. It helped me.
Your sister reached out to you. Make peace with her so she can go in peace to her grave. You will be happy you did and your mind will rest easy.

I agree with Beatty. Do a video call and from there, decided what the lay of the land is with your sister.

You carry a great deal of resenent which is hurting...you.

If you feel you are being "summoned" does she possibly expect you to become involved in hands om caregiving?

With your health issues, I would not risk travel.

I wouldn't feel the need to go in person. Video calls are pretty good these days.

I don't see the need to forgive right now. If forgiveness is possible - it will happen - at the right time.

Many people just want to say goodbye. I imagine sometimes there are apologies, explanations, pleads to forgive... But just as often (or more) just a want to see someone once more. ie I wanted to see your face - there you are - goodbye.

I'd call.

Past rivalries should be set aside during crises and we all make our choices as freethinking individuals. Your sister is responsible for handing out the abuse, but you are responsible for hanging on to it and keeping it warm all these years.
Let it go. It is of no consequence as to the who, what, or wherefore anymore.

Forgiveness is good but Grace comes from offering compassion and acceptance (and this starts with forgiving yourself also).
You will go for your sake, not hers, to release yourself from the pain you have carried and to relinquish the power of her words being held over you.

If it will bring you comfort to go in person, by all means go. If you are uncomfortable or ill, try a video call. You can see each other by will save yourself the traveling, which is exhausting. If you go, remember to advise the airlines beforehand that you have breathing equipment. They may not allow an oxygen tank.

If you can live with your decision to not go see her in her time of need, then so be it. But if you have any inkling that you might actually live to regret that decision, then go make your peace before it's too late.
You say your mother was an alcoholic, yet you say are thankful to have had such a wonderful mom. And then you complain that your sister still drinks on her death bed. You are talking out of both sides of your mouth.
Only you can decide what needs to be done at this time. I pray that God will give you wisdom and discernment in this situation.

I agree. You are being too generous and jeopardising your own poor health in the bargain. I suspect you've been the one who is always there for everyone and have done all the giving, while everyone else has done all the taking. Looking after your mum from a long distance travel, while your sister do nothing from a closer distance. All I can say is, I empathise with you. Please reconsider your options and look after you.