I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My grandfather recently had a toe amputated about two weeks ago as it became infected (diabetic). He had to then come home on IV antibiotics, that I was to administer (i'm his grandson and POA). One day when I went to visit, a few days after the surgery, he had a nurse in his room and joyfully told me "this is emma", the happiest i've seen him in his life. He has never introduced me to anyone like that or acted like that, so I thought he was just having a great day and being taken care of very well. After she left the room he kept saying things like "she really likes me" and smirking, and I would just affirm that shes a good nurse.
She then left, and another nurse came in. He had told me that if he needed a home nurse, he wanted her, and i informed him that it wasn't possible. He then wanted me to get her address so that he could visit her, which i informed him was not appropriate. She returned that night after i left. The next morning when I returned, he stated to me that "well, Emma and I had it out last night. I called her a name, and I really didn't mean to make her mad", and then proceeded to state "I really loved her".
The next day I came into visit, it was a quick visit because I'd be picking him up to go home the next day, and we'd be transitioning to home health. He had asked me to help him pick out a christmas card for her when he got home.
That night, he also got his PICC line placed, and was his joyful self like he had been for most of the hospital stay (even though he's normally very frustrated and agitated in that setting), I was surprised how well he was handling it besides the nurse situation.
When I had returned to pick him up, on the way to his house, we had been chatting when he randomly informed me that he was moving, and when questioned, said him and this nurse were getting a house and he needed me to withdraw him a few thousand dollars from his account so that he could help pay for the house. I informed him that unfortunately that wasn't going to happen, and that she was his nurse and that's all. He raised his voice and asked if I wanted to bet, I left it at that. There was only ever one other nurse during this stay that he seemed to act differently about as well, she had stated that if she won a million dollars, they'd get a beach house and bring their families. He then informed the next nurse that he was going on a trip, and getting a new family.
This brings me to the uproar. I got him home that night, and my father stayed the night with him. That night, he told me that he needed to buy Emma a sweater, and find a way to get it to her. I informed him that it wasn't a good idea and that they couldn't accept gifts like that. He then asked (as he did when he was admitted as well), for me to write his phone number down. After I did that, he wanted me to write down the number to the hospital because the "nurses told him that he is supposed to call every few days and let them know how hes doing". I knew he wanted to try to contact this nurse and wouldn't give it to him. My dad informed me in the morning that he was very agitated throughout the night and moved stuff back where he had it before (he lives in a very cluttered house, and i cleaned and reorganized so that he could come home and have home health). He told my father he was going to "have a talk with me".
The next morning, myself and the HH nurse went inside, we didn't even get past the consent form. She asked if he had a POA, I said yes and informed her that it was me, and he lost his mind. He began yelling at me saying that he doesn't need help, i'm not even his grandson because i don't have the same last name, he's never loved me, etc.... he wanted me out of his house. I had an emotional meltdown and left. The HH then called an ambulance, as he no longer had a caregiver, and took him to the ER where he was later placed in a nursing home.
See first comment for remainder....
Thanks everyone so much for the support in navigating this time. My aunt and uncle were to the home this morning to drop some things off, and he seemed to be having a good day. He joked with them like his normal self, and asked where I was and why I haven’t been visiting. My aunt said she didn’t think he was talking to me and he said “what do you mean why wouldn’t I talk to him?”. When they left, he called my dad and said the same thing.
I decided to take advantage of that current mindset and went to visit for the first time in the NH. He was very pleasant, still fixating on the few same things and asking me when he could leave/whispering to get him out, etc
I just informed him that it was no longer up to me and that he was in the right place. He dropped it and moved on. He did bring up Emma but I was sure to play along with it, agreeing to buy her the sweater and mail it with his name and phone number in the box. (Obviously I won’t be doing that).
He even apologized, said he didn’t mean what he said and that he loved me.
His roommate seemed to be helping him cope with being there, which was great. The nurses have him in line for some mental evaluations to see if it is dementia, hospital delirium, anesthesia effects, or a mixture.
He seemed to be in and out of being with it.
Overall, it was a great day and Im glad I got some closure on his statements (even though I know he didn’t mean anything) it was nice to see a good day, as I’m sure there are many worse days ahead.
During such episodes, they're scared and displaced, saying things they don't mean and shouldn't be taken personally. I know how hard that is, however. But trust me when I tell you the old grandpa still loves you. The new distressed one doesn't know left from right at the moment.
Now, he may snap out of this fugue in time, as dad did. Mom had dementia already when she was experiencing hospital delirium, but after a couple weeks being out of rehab, she DID improve.
Also, check what medications grandpa is taking, especially pain meds/ opioids. Those can seriously affect a person's cognition if they're old. Dad was 90 and reacting very poorly to Vicodin, refusing to eat and vomiting, feeling dizzy, etc.
I'd wait a bit to have grandpa tested for dementia because he's likely to score much lower now on the SLUMS or MoCA test than he normally would, giving you a false diagnosis.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and grandpa a quick recovery.
They fixate on one person! My grandfather used to be in love with a server at a local dinner! She visited him in the hospital and nursing home! She had severe problems and he listened and felt bad for her! My mother was very upset by her! He had a horrible marriage and felt compassion for her! I'm glad he had someone to think about in his dying days! We never knew if he gave her any money! He wasn't a rich man my grandmother took everything from him! I hope his girlfriend liked him because he was a very nice man! You should try to get someone from outside the family to talk about her to see if there should be a concern!
You did nothing wrong. You handled it very well. So did the admitting nurse when she found out no one would be with your grandfather. I am glad coming to the forum has given you some peace. You know, they are OK till they aren't. Even surgery like this is a shock to the system.
I see below that POA is already taken care of and that Grandfather is in good care in facility at this time.
I am hoping you will see to it that he's fully assessed soon for his dementia. There isn't anything to be done about it at this point, no matter type, but it can help with staging and with knowing what to expect.
Hope you will come to us with questions when you need to.
As you are already the POA do know you can consult an elder law attorney to see your rights and fiduciary duties, which start at meticulous record keeping of every penny into and out of grandfather's accounts.
Wishing you good luck. Start with education by watching Teepa Snow videos on youtube and making a study of dementia on the internet.
Best of luck, come back anytime, for any questions you might have, or update us on how things are going. Your story really touched me, thanks for sharing it.
If your grandfather needs to go back to the same hospital, let them know about his fixation so they can ensure that Emma does not come within his sight during the stay.
There are medications that can help calm his agitation. Ask the medical staff at the facility he is in to help with that. You can work with your family (father, uncle, whoever is relevant) to help with whatever POA forms are necessary through the process, IF you can all get along while doing so. Try to gather the necessary info from the family, or by checking his wallet without him seeing you, that you will need for POA forms.
Once he has a diagnosis, if dementia and what form, you can check back here for more information and support. Please keep us posted on how this is going, if you have time.
I realize this was very unexpected and a shock, but realize that he is reacting in hurtful ways because his brain is not functioning normally. It's not his fault and it is not your fault.
This has completely torn my family apart, and i'm emotionally damaged. I'm hoping that he didn't mean anything but it's very hard to hear and I'm having a hard time coping.
Could this be alz/dementia? Is it side effects from anesthesia? He's being evaluated, but it's going to take time to get answers. I dont' know where to go from here. Even after this inpatient rehab nursing home, I don't think he will be able to return home, because i'm the only person that could physically care for him, and at this point, I really don't think that I can do it, for both his and my sake. I'm really hoping that he will come back around, and our relationship will heal, but i'm very upset, and terrfied.
Any information, suggestions, input would be greatly appreciated. So sorry for the long post.
In some cases it can get better in a few weeks to a month and in other cases the damage has been done and it will only get worse.
And if he was showing any signs of dementia prior to his surgery, anesthesia can certainly amplify that.
You have done the best you could, and now you must leave it up to your grandfathers medical team to determine what is the best next step for him.
Please don't take anything that your grandfather said/says personally, because if his brain is now broken, he really can't help it.