I'm am 18 years old and have been taking care of my 80 year old grandmother for about 2 months now. Her husband has been deceased for 14 years now. My grandmothers daughter (aka my mother), passed away in 2008 and her son (my "uncle") doesn't want to have anything to do with my grandmother or my family and is just waiting for her to die. My father and grandmother have never gotten along, so it isn't a choice for my dad to help me take charge. I am alone on my own with this situation I about about to speak about so any help is appreciated. Two years ago, my grandmother had a very bad leg infection that cause her to fall and had to be rushed to the ER. My father, my younger sister, and I have been left to take care of her dog on top of our own cat and dog, which wasn't a big ordeal for a few months. She was then transferred to a nursing home/rehab center for care while she got surgeries on her leg. She was then diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor and had to go through tons of chemo. She beat the Cancer and the leg infection, and was then told she needed surgery for cataracts is her eyes (that hasn't happened yet). I did not know about any of these things, because my uncle did not keep my updated because he himself could careless about her and wasn't there to support her. After many calls and pleas for me to help her get out and back home, the nursing home finally was able to get her discharged and healthy enough after a year and a half. I drove her home, went grocery shopping, cleaned her house, cared for her until the home care nurses and aids were able to start visiting her a few times a week. She got weaker and weaker, was barely able to go to the bathroom alone, refused to eat food that she asked me to get for her, and couldn't make it to the phone in time when the aids called to let them know they were coming, so they didn't show up. Multiple times I let the home care know the door was unlocked and they were able to get in. She would always end up on the ground because she was too weak to walk, and I would always have to throw out my muscles trying to help her up (I don't want to admit it but I'm a frail, 110lb female and she weighs 175lb, and cannot lift her like that on my own). One fall last month I needed to call an ambulance, and they admitted her to the hospital. She was discharged and sent home and was fine, but things started to progressively get worse. She wasn't taking her medicine on her own, she wasn't washing herself, and refused help from the aids when the call but insisted I came over to do everything for her. I did when she needed it, but its honestly starting to wear me out a lot. Just this week, she fell again and called an ambulance, but apparently refused to go to the hospital when they came. I haven't heard from her all week, she usually calls me every day, so I decided to stop at her house. I found her on the floor, again, crying for me to help her up. I refused, propped her head up, and called an ambulance, and she was takes to the hospital. The house was a complete wreck, nothing like I had seen from her before, feces were covering the bathroom, and trails of it were on the floor from her crawling. She hasn't been taking her important medication, or antipsychotics. She is a threat to herself but refuses to go to a nursing home. She is not in the right state of mind, and says and does irrational things half of the time. I am afraid for her and her health. I don't want her to live the way she is living. It is also starting to kill me. I lost my job, I can't go back to college, I'm getting physically sick, I'm getting panic attacks, and I am developing extreme insomnia. I have issues of my own such as severe clinical depression and have been trying to battle it for 5 years and finally got to work with a psyciatrist last October. This situation is hindering my ability to get better mentally and is making me hurt mentally and physically. She is in the hospital right now and I believe this is the best chance for me to talk to someone there about this whole mess of a situation. I wish I would have never taken her out of the home. I cannot provide adequate care for her, and I feel bad about that. I want her to be well cared for 24hrs like she needs. I am basically her primary caregiver other than help from her aids/nurse/physical therapist that she sees a few times a week. I am alone, and have no advice from any one else. Any input would be highly appreciated. I'm just worried I wont be able to get her into a nursing home because she continuously screams about the "misery" at the last one and how she will never go back. That is the best option for her, she cannot care for herself even with the help of us, and she needs 24hr care. I need all of the help I can get.
You are being used in this situation which you should be able to get out of with the hospital's social worker's help.
It will get better. And then once her situation is sorted out, you'll be able to visit her as a family member, rather than a carer, and there'll be no question of your abandoning her. But for now you need to back away, simply to ensure that she starts getting the substantial amounts of care that she really needs.
Meanwhile, how are you? You and your sister are very young to have lost your mother. I hope you're both finding your way through.
Often, we hear on this board that discharge folks at hospitals try to make it out to families that they have a legal obligation to take elderly relatives into their home, or move into the elder ' s home themselves where no such obligation exists. You need to protect yourself and your future. Best of luck to you, and again, I'm sorry to have caused you pain.
I know I was glad when writers here on the forum were not always agreeing with me, they were using tough love because they were able to see the forest for the trees. Thus, I was able to make changes in my own situation regarding my elderly parents. And I am so glad I did.
I think you have all these things worked out for yourself already so it is just the difficult part to get through of getting her placed in a nice facility. When you see the social worker at the hospital give them your uncles contact information. Whether he likes it or not he is the closest relative and needs to take responsibility. best of luck to you. your have been through a lot already and need a new start. this does not mean abandoning your grandma but doing the responsible thing and getting her the care she needs.
Just think, now you can be her *Grand-daughter* and have delightful visits where you can spend quality time.
She can talk about the music of her time and the residents could relate... talk about actors of her time, politicians of her time, etc. In fact, if your grandmother had lived in the area for quite some time, she might find a dear lost friend from the past living there.
Don't forget, many older elders have a stereotypical thought about nursing homes.... nursing homes today are so much better than they were 50 years ago. Plus she would have 24 hour care, with caregivers who work only an 8-hour shift, who go home to their family and friends, and who get a full nights sleep to be refreshed for the next day.
She is going to become desperate, needy, manipulative, and angry before and probably some after her mandatory move to a home. She is going to tell everyone where she is placed is horrible, even if it is not. She does not want to give up her fantasy that she can continue to be independent. When we are failing to thrive mentally, we lash out at people. You need to understand that this is happening with grandmom and please don't take it personally.
It may be that you need to step back and not talk to her in person where she can make you feel so much guilt. Talk to her on the phone lots, but tell her you are sick and can't be there right now, but you can when you are stronger. It is true that you have an illness, and you need to get stronger to handle her in this situation. You are doing the right thing. Remember, you can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first. That is why the airlines tell adults to put on the oxygen mask before helping the children - it does no good to work at saving someone else and kill yourself doing it.
Many hugs going your way. I'm sorry this is so hard, but I think most of us go through it in some form.