I am grieving the sudden loss of my 86 year old mother. She had a freak accident—she fell, hit her head, and never regained consciousness. I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to remove her from life support. It was the right choice, one she would have made for herself, but I am absolutely crushed and feel like a mess.She lived independently for years, stayed active in her church and community, and was known and loved by many. She was my constant companion and a fantastic grandmother. In recent months, I noticed some decline, but she still seemed to be managing and thriving. Over time, she started calling me more often and became more needy. I was meeting her for lunch and taking her shopping multiple times a week while also working, being married, and raising a teenager at home.I grew frustrated at times and knew I needed to set boundaries. The week before she died, I did, and having a few days of space felt wonderful. I saw her Friday, Saturday, and Sunday—then the accident happened after church. Now I feel like a jerk. I keep asking myself if I should have seen this coming, if I should have acted sooner to get her into a facility, if my home could have been more feasible. I am overwhelmed by guilt and grief and don’t know how to cope with these feelings.I’m reaching out to see if anyone else has gone through something similar and how you survived the guilt and sadness that comes with losing a parent suddenly. Any advice, words of comfort, or personal stories would mean a lot right now.
My condolences on the shock you suffered from losing your dear mom so suddenly. Please recognize the blessing here, and the misery of advanced old age she (And you) were spared. You did nothing to interfere with God's departure date for her. Acknowledge that and breathe a sigh of relief. Mom is at perfect peace now.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Your mom sounds like if she had been given a choice as to "how to die" this would have been her choice.
Being of sound mind...
Being active...
Being loved by family and friends...
Dying after church...
Raising a thoughtful caring daughter. She knew you would take care of her.
The facilitator of the Support Group that I have been a member of for close to 15 years...and now Co facilitate had a saying...
"Don't should on yourself"
I am guessing your crystal ball, just like mine is currently broken so we can not see the future. (Not sure I would want to anyway) 20-20 hindsight is great..
All you can do is make decisions based on the facts that you know now.
Sure your mom was "declining" and you noticed it but we are all on the decline. And I am sure that if you really truly noticed things that would have sent up red flags you would have been more proactive. And would your mom have willingly moved to a facility? And lets say you had a discussion with her a week ago and she agreed. When she fell she still would have been home. It takes a while to get moved into a facility. So your conversation would have had to take place 6 to 12 months ago.
Please give yourself a chance to grieve.
Be kind to yourself.
((hugs))
Next, an 86-yr old falling is not a freak accident. It's extremely common. It's not something you could have ever anticipated or prevented. She could have had her first vertigo attack and lost her balance (I have vertigo, I know what it's like); she could have had her first blood pressure issue, or a stroke, or just tripped over her own feet (like my Mom did in her own bedroom and fell backwards and gave herself a gash on the back of her head); or or or or....
I had a very elderly Aunt with advancing dementia who fell 3x (breaking bones each time) while in the presence of in-home family caregivers. It happens in a flash. Please stop beating yourself up over this. You are conflating grief with guilt. You are feeling grief, since you've done nothing wrong to feel guilty about.
Finally, as others have pointed out, she may have gone sooner than you were ever prepared to lose her but the alternative ending might have been much worse: one of long, drawn out health and cognitive problems, slowly grinding the daylight out of both you and her. Count her blessings: that she had a loving, doting daughter; that she was active and engaged right up to the fall; that she didn't suffer. So many elders never have even one of those circumstances. In spite of what it feels like right now, it has ended well.
I recently lost my mother but it wasn't sudden. I hold on to the memories. Sometimes they make me cry, mostly they bring a smile. I am also am thinking of speaking with a grief counselor but am not ready just yet.
I would speak with a grief counselor if your pain is consuming you so much that you are not able to do daily activities. It is normal for grief to impact your life but seek help if it becomes so great that it impact your daily activities. You will need to learn a new normal and that is very hard to do only on your own.
Prayers and hugs.
Also, try to remember that the elderly are fall risks and this accident could have happened no matter who was there with her or where she was living. It was her time. And it was quick and it was painless. There is a lot to be said for that. This is not the case for my 97 yo father who is suffering and his dying process is happening in slow motion.
Grieve your mother but don't feel guilty about this. Seek grief counseling or find a support group. Take care of yourself, I think your mother would want you to do that.
A friend’s mom with early dementia fell, landed funny and broke her neck. Straight to a nursing home paralyzed. About a year later she developed a secondary breast cancer where previous radiation treatment had been. It became a weeping open wound that could not be treated. It took her months to die. She suffered a great deal. I know my friend wished that fall had killed her instead.
Your loving and beloved mother would not want you suffering this way, Grief, yes, is natural, but guilt is unnecessary. I hope over time the good memories will bring comfort.
Grandma had dementia and despite my aunt reminding her not to get up and walk by herself , grandma got up and fell and hit her head.
Elderly people fall all the time , no matter where they are, even if you are right next to them . They fall at home , in facilities , everywhere . I’ve personally helped multiple people over the years who have fallen in a parking lot , restaurant etc , and most recently in the grocery store.
A fall is a common way that leads to death of elderly. I think most people would rather not survive something so traumatic and end up permanently living in a nursing home either with a broken hip or brain damage .
I’m sorry for your loss. You did not do anything wrong at all. Grieving takes time. The good memories will eventually start helping and be more prevalent. You could seek out a grief counselor.
(((Hugs))).