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I am new here, glad I found this online support system. It makes me feel not so alone…I have a 73 y/o mom with Alzheimer’s. She was living on her own and doing well until about a month ago. She is now in a rehab skilled nursing facility awaiting permanent placement in an assisted living private residence. I am an only child as I lost my brother 22 yrs ago. For as long as I remember I have taken care of her since my brother died. Always checking on her,calling her etc. When she started having health issues I would drive her places on Saturdays as I work full time. And sometimes go on Sundays also. My husband and I have all adult kids now and want to enjoy life and now since I feel a little better since I know my mom is getting the care she needs, how do I stop feeling guilty? I have been going everyday after work to see her and getting home later than I usually do,I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been going on weekends as well. I feel bad if I don’t and she cries or asks where I am. Yesterday I had to just take the day for myself and stay home. My household needs me I have laundry and everything else that has been behind. Honestly it felt so good to stay home. She did call me a few times and one time crying because she wanted to hear my voice. My head and heart are in a constant battle wondering if I am doing the right thing. I have no other family other than my husband and kids. And I am not in a position where we can move her in to care for her ,we live in a small apartment and both have to work full time. I never imagined how difficult this could be and what a rollercoaster of emotions and toll it would take.

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You do not have to visit daily.
As a matter of fact when mom moves into her AL (is she actually a candidate for AL rather then Memory Care? Is she at risk of leaving the facility at any time?)
When she is in her place she needs to get used to the people there the staff and other residents. She needs to be able to rely on staff and to be comfortable asking them for help when she needs it rather than you,.
Mom is going to a facility that can meet her care needs because that is where she will be safe, where she will get 24/7 care and you can be a daughter and not worry about being a caregiver. That does not mean that you will not be involved, you will probably be more involved as you will now be her "care manager" and will have to make sure staff is doing what they need to do as well as making sure she has what she needs.
You have no reason to feel "guilty"
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It is okay not to visit daily. Cut your visits back to take care of yourself. It is okay to let a phone call roll into voice mail.

You have to take care of yourself first.
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Just sorry you are going through this. But feeling guilty is not going to cure your mother’s dementia.

In time you will adjust to your new normal. Put the situation in perspective. You have her best interests at heart. She will be safe in AL. You are not abandoning your mother.
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Alzheimers and dementia is a no win situation for all concerned. Mom needs care that you cannot provide which leads you to feeling guilty that you can't. Her filter has evaporated, so she calls crying a bunch of times a day, rubbing salt in your wounds, not realizing it kills you to hear her emotional pain. You want to fix this, but its too broken to BE fixed. On and on the cycle goes, like a roller coaster of emotions where everybody is miserable.

You must come to terms with the truth of the situation and then find acceptance for it. I was in the same boat as you for years. My mother had dementia and lived in Memory Care, crying and wanting me to take her in. She was wheelchair bound, incontinent, weighed 190 lbs, and suffered from anosognosia where she didn't grasp she had a deficit. She'd be "no problem" or "extra work" for me at home, she was fine and could help ME in fact. I knew that wasn't true, and that I wasn't able to care for her, yet she'd carry on like this making things much more emotionally difficult in general. It's not easy. But WE can look at things realistically and know the truth, at least. They cannot. This is when we lay the guilt aside, knowing they're where they belong, and we set a visitation schedule that doesn't drive us crazy.

We matter too. Take care of YOURSELF and visit less often as mom gets adjusted. Don't take phone calls during work hours unless it's from the facility itself. You'll settle into a routine that way and so may mom. Again, her brain is not working properly so she can't reason things out. You can. Use your head instead of your heart and the emotions will take more of a backseat. Not that they'll disappear.....they won't. I cried on the way home from most visits to the Memory Care. But then I was able to move on with my day.

Dementia is a brutal disease and one I hate with everything in me. May a cure be found sooner rather than later. And may you find peace in knowing you have no reason to feel guilt.
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Guilt is inappropriate to this situation.
Guilt requires that you CAUSED something out of evil intent, and out of the same malice you refuse to fix what you caused.
That isn't the case here.
You didn't cause the aging process or dementia. Throwing yourself onto the burning funeral pyre of your mom would be a slow burn, and would also make you no longer the "darling daughter" but a caregiver instead. NO ONE likes caregivers. They set rules, they nag people to eat, to dispose of incontinent supplies in a sanitary manner, to do this and do that and not to do the other. And it goes on and on until the person being cared for and the caregiver quite honestly dislike one another.
You are not responsible for the happiness of others, or of their health. You are not god and all his Saints, but one woman who doesn't need to be martyred by the sadness that has enveloped your mom's end of life situation.

You CAN grieve. That is the OTHER G-word, and the appropriate one. You can love her, grieve with her, explain you will help her find care where there are several shifts with several people on each to help her. And you can go on with your life, paying loving visits. You can laugh with her and cry with her and rage with her about all of this, but you cannot fix it. You cannot make it go away. And you cannot make it a happy time. There is nothing about this aging process that is happy.

I welcome you. There are many here before you, and reading up on the Forum you will see the myriad ways in which people approach this. I wish you the best. But do know, you have a RIGHT TO YOUR LIFE. I am 83 this year. I have a daughter who is just now retiring at the end of this school year with a 70 year old hubby already retired. This time now, for them, with their son through college and on his own, is the most FREE TIME of their lives. They are vital enough to enjoy life, their mortgage is paid, their kids raised. Are they NOW to sacrifice these vital years for me? GOD FORBID. I would be hung upside down and set out for the vultures before I would see that happen to them.
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I agree that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Grief is a better way to describe what you feel, but not guilt. Guilt is for people who do immoral and unethical things. This is not you. Please remember that you, your spouse and your immediate family have priority. This does not mean you don't love your Mom immensely. But she is not the person of the past and your relationship now cannot be the same no matter how often you visit. I agree with others to stop visiting her every day. Take 1 call a day (or every other day). If her facility has a Director of Activities, talk to them about how to engage her in those. That's what we did with my MIL. It took a long while for her to finally want to attend. If your Mom is not on meds for depression and anxiety, it may be time to consider this. Dementia robs people of their reason and logic and their ability to regulate their emotions. She needs "outside" help to do this now. It's very common for people with dementia. My MIL was in AL and then LTC in a good facility 3 miles from our house. We went there once a week and called maybe once a week. She had memory impairment so calling more often didn't register with her anyway. I had to personally work on not feeling guilty for her situation. It is often said on this forum, "I didn't create her problem and I cannot fix it," It is what it is. Count her blessings for her that she has a loving and caring daughter who is providing good oversight and care management and is there for her. She's in a good facility getting appropriate care. This is way more than many seniors have. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
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Once Mom is in Assisted Living, your better off not visiting everyday. She will need to get used to staff doing for her and relying on them. Is her phone just used to call you? Maybe you can lose it or learn to not pick up every time she calls.

Guilt is self-imposed. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause her ALZ. You have a job that you should not give up to care for her. You do what you can when you can. She will be safe, clean and fed.
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I’m sorry for your pain in this, it’s very hard to watch a beloved parent decline. The guilt is misplaced, for you did not cause mom’s decline or harsh diagnosis and nothing you can attempt will fix it. A healthy, whole mother would want you to enjoy your life. She will need an advocate while in care, someone to show up and oversee her care. That doesn’t mean daily visits or endlessly trying to fix what cannot be solved. Whatever happy was for your mom is sadly over, no one’s fault, simply the sad reality of aging. Practice self care and finding balance or your own health will be gone. I wish you both peace
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