
I am new here, glad I found this online support system. It makes me feel not so alone…I have a 73 y/o mom with Alzheimer’s. She was living on her own and doing well until about a month ago. She is now in a rehab skilled nursing facility awaiting permanent placement in an assisted living private residence. I am an only child as I lost my brother 22 yrs ago. For as long as I remember I have taken care of her since my brother died. Always checking on her,calling her etc. When she started having health issues I would drive her places on Saturdays as I work full time. And sometimes go on Sundays also. My husband and I have all adult kids now and want to enjoy life and now since I feel a little better since I know my mom is getting the care she needs, how do I stop feeling guilty? I have been going everyday after work to see her and getting home later than I usually do,I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been going on weekends as well. I feel bad if I don’t and she cries or asks where I am. Yesterday I had to just take the day for myself and stay home. My household needs me I have laundry and everything else that has been behind. Honestly it felt so good to stay home. She did call me a few times and one time crying because she wanted to hear my voice. My head and heart are in a constant battle wondering if I am doing the right thing. I have no other family other than my husband and kids. And I am not in a position where we can move her in to care for her ,we live in a small apartment and both have to work full time. I never imagined how difficult this could be and what a rollercoaster of emotions and toll it would take.
As a matter of fact when mom moves into her AL (is she actually a candidate for AL rather then Memory Care? Is she at risk of leaving the facility at any time?)
When she is in her place she needs to get used to the people there the staff and other residents. She needs to be able to rely on staff and to be comfortable asking them for help when she needs it rather than you,.
Mom is going to a facility that can meet her care needs because that is where she will be safe, where she will get 24/7 care and you can be a daughter and not worry about being a caregiver. That does not mean that you will not be involved, you will probably be more involved as you will now be her "care manager" and will have to make sure staff is doing what they need to do as well as making sure she has what she needs.
You have no reason to feel "guilty"
You have to take care of yourself first.
In time you will adjust to your new normal. Put the situation in perspective. You have her best interests at heart. She will be safe in AL. You are not abandoning your mother.
You must come to terms with the truth of the situation and then find acceptance for it. I was in the same boat as you for years. My mother had dementia and lived in Memory Care, crying and wanting me to take her in. She was wheelchair bound, incontinent, weighed 190 lbs, and suffered from anosognosia where she didn't grasp she had a deficit. She'd be "no problem" or "extra work" for me at home, she was fine and could help ME in fact. I knew that wasn't true, and that I wasn't able to care for her, yet she'd carry on like this making things much more emotionally difficult in general. It's not easy. But WE can look at things realistically and know the truth, at least. They cannot. This is when we lay the guilt aside, knowing they're where they belong, and we set a visitation schedule that doesn't drive us crazy.
We matter too. Take care of YOURSELF and visit less often as mom gets adjusted. Don't take phone calls during work hours unless it's from the facility itself. You'll settle into a routine that way and so may mom. Again, her brain is not working properly so she can't reason things out. You can. Use your head instead of your heart and the emotions will take more of a backseat. Not that they'll disappear.....they won't. I cried on the way home from most visits to the Memory Care. But then I was able to move on with my day.
Dementia is a brutal disease and one I hate with everything in me. May a cure be found sooner rather than later. And may you find peace in knowing you have no reason to feel guilt.
Guilt requires that you CAUSED something out of evil intent, and out of the same malice you refuse to fix what you caused.
That isn't the case here.
You didn't cause the aging process or dementia. Throwing yourself onto the burning funeral pyre of your mom would be a slow burn, and would also make you no longer the "darling daughter" but a caregiver instead. NO ONE likes caregivers. They set rules, they nag people to eat, to dispose of incontinent supplies in a sanitary manner, to do this and do that and not to do the other. And it goes on and on until the person being cared for and the caregiver quite honestly dislike one another.
You are not responsible for the happiness of others, or of their health. You are not god and all his Saints, but one woman who doesn't need to be martyred by the sadness that has enveloped your mom's end of life situation.
You CAN grieve. That is the OTHER G-word, and the appropriate one. You can love her, grieve with her, explain you will help her find care where there are several shifts with several people on each to help her. And you can go on with your life, paying loving visits. You can laugh with her and cry with her and rage with her about all of this, but you cannot fix it. You cannot make it go away. And you cannot make it a happy time. There is nothing about this aging process that is happy.
I welcome you. There are many here before you, and reading up on the Forum you will see the myriad ways in which people approach this. I wish you the best. But do know, you have a RIGHT TO YOUR LIFE. I am 83 this year. I have a daughter who is just now retiring at the end of this school year with a 70 year old hubby already retired. This time now, for them, with their son through college and on his own, is the most FREE TIME of their lives. They are vital enough to enjoy life, their mortgage is paid, their kids raised. Are they NOW to sacrifice these vital years for me? GOD FORBID. I would be hung upside down and set out for the vultures before I would see that happen to them.
Guilt is self-imposed. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause her ALZ. You have a job that you should not give up to care for her. You do what you can when you can. She will be safe, clean and fed.