This is more of a final statement. My wife of 48 years, age 79 passed away the end of June, buried last week. She was under pallative care for about 4 months, went in home Hospice care in Sept for 10 months. The hospice RN , LPN , & CNA's were the best , the company they worked for is exceptional. I, the husband quit work to be the primary "only" caregiver. The first 4 months weren't bad, she could sit up on the edge of the bed, stand & pivot to the commode, changing clothes and sheets and washing her was ok. The beginning of 2025 everything deteriorated pretty quick. MY wife had severe arthritis, hips to her toes & her neck bent, couldn't straighten it, was in constant severe pain. She also had congestive heart failure, was on oxygen. With a little sundowners creeping in, she also slept a lot. It was very frustrating at times, because no matter what I did to keep her comfortable, she wasn't , which led to words of anger and frustration, from both of us. Hospice was always amazed at the care I gave Her, My response, It's my job what I signed up for. Caregiving long term is tough, watching a loved one slowly declining & them knowing their not getting better, hearing them say, can't wait till I get up & walk again, it's sad, I couldn't help her enough, doctors couldn't fix her, only supplied her with morphine & anxiety med's keep 'em comfortable, they say. March through the beginning of June , she was totally bed ridden, hardly ate, wouldn't let me fed her, and fell asleep with food in her mouth. The last 16 days of her life neither ate or drank, just morphine pain relief, every hr 17 hrs. a day. Regrets, as stated earlier frustration, plays a key roll to your actions, my yelling to get my useless point across, trying to make her comfortable, repeating the same positions over & over, only to hear screaming over & over. As a caregiver you are locked in your house, can't leave, especially if the patient is bed bound, would I do it over again, emptying commode pot every day, laundry every day, sometimes twice a day, cleaning, cooking, sneaking out to the store when the CNA came, running to the land fill once a week, Yes I would, I'm not a Martyr, looking for sympathy , It's just my job , what I signed up for. May the Repose of My Wife Nancy's soul rest in Peace
You still have a life to live after going through this. Please make yourself a good one. Your wife would want that for you.
(((Hugs))).
I've read many posts in this forum where caregivers feel guilty about what they've done or not done with respect to their LOs` care. The feeling of guilt is often associated with the commission of an illegal act. But many guilt feelings have nothing to do with illegal acts but instead are about what a caregiver felt he did or didn't do in caring for his LO.
Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. Often the feelings of guilt are part of the grieving process. The two can co-exist. But one can grieve w/o guilt. One can also feel guilt outside of the grieving process. Guilt is self imposed and is of no benefit to grieving process. Grief can be difficult and last a long time but can also be worked through. Your grief is a testament to your love for her.
I'm glad that you posted your story about you and your wife's experience through your journey, and I'm proud of you for doing so. "Getting it off your chest" can be the beginning of the healing process. I, too, lost my wife of 52 years, and after 8 years I no longer grieve her death. The grief was replaced long ago with gratitude! Early reminiscing brought me sadness and even tears. But now I can now look back and smile. You, too, will get there, not this month, not this year and maybe even not next year; but you will accept her death, be grateful for the life you shared, and even enjoy your new life with purpose and self worth.
"Getting to The Other Side of Grief; Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse" by Susan Smeenge and Robert DeVries is a book that can help you work through your grief.
I wish you well.
How could you POSSIBLY be guilty of something you didn't cause, didn't do, and couldn't fix? Guilt requires causation. Use of the other g-word is much more appropriate: that word is "grief". What you are feeling is grief.
When parents died and when my brother died, much as I love them all my life, I felt nothing so much as "RELIEF" for them, and for myself standing helpless witness to their pain. They had good lives, worthy of celebration and joy, and that is what I will give them as they travel on with me my own remaining time.
And of course you got frustrated and lost your cool occasionally. Anyone(if they're honest)who's been a caregiver for any length of time has done the same, as we are all human and we all have our breaking points.
But the bottom line here is the fact that your wife knew that you loved her very much and were doing the very best you could while caring for her. And that's all that matters.
I hope and pray that you will now take time to take care of yourself, and rest in the knowledge that your wife Nancy is now at peace and doesn't have to suffer anymore.
May God bless you and keep you.
No guilt, just relief the suffering is over.
Nancy is now your angel.
Your wife was very blessed to have a husband such as you.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Great big warm hug!