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My mother is 83 and lost her husband a yr ago. She lives 1000 miles from us and has always refused to come visit when I have offered to pay. We went to Visit for her birthday and all of the sudden she blew up at us and told us that her husband never wanted my husband in the house. She told me her life was hell and that I don’t do anything for her. We bought her groceries, changed smoke alarm batteries, I cover her life alert and called her everyday and helped monitor her low blood sugars from afar. she has a fantasy of selling her home and moving in a 20 yr old RV even though I have tried to have her visit independent living. She refused. we packed up and left and flew back home. She called my husband an as-hole, ba-tardard and told me I married an as-hole. Those were her last words to me. I have cut off ties because I will never go back there again, that is how traumatizing it was . What does anyone else here think?

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I personally, since reaching adulthood, do not tolerate abusive and rude people in my life. It's a choice I have made for my own life. And yes, I do have an estranged family member; our lives are happier without one another. And were not made happy by having one another in them. Works well for both of us. I don't consider blood and genes to be the ruling factors for who I consider "family".
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Definitely, its time to either cut ties or greatly limit contact. My sweet inlaws tried to move a much older sister into their home, to help her avoid a nursing home and all she did was yell at my FIL everyday to ,"Get out of my house." When our elders are ugly towards the very people who are giving their lives for their "aging in place," care it is unbelievable. I am so sorry. Protect your marriage. Protect your husband. Nobody should have to hear that!
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As others have commented, if this hasn't been your Mom's "normal" personality in the past, then she may either have a UTI or is sliding into cogntive impairment. She could also be suffering from depression and anxiety, which are very common in the elderly.

You live 1000 miles away. She seems very uncooperative. And you don't mention if you are her PoA. Therefore, the reality is you have very little power to help someone who is delusional about their situation and resistant to change -- so call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Even if you are her PoA, trying to manage her from 1000 miles away will be onerous.
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You've already dumped her, so don't try to mend ties with her. Let her stay dumped. You did anything anyone could possibly do.

Enjoy life free of her! She has nothing to add to your life or offer you. Congratulations on taking the step you did, and I wish you luck ahead.
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Wow. You are describing my Mom. There’s definitely a lot going on here: narcissism, depression, possible mental illness, possible dementia. My Mom did the exact same thing to me while I was living with her after she broke her shoulder at age 89. Only difference was she went on a rant about my husband who had died 3 years ago. As I was packing up to leave this horrible situation, my Dad came in and begged me to stay. He is the only reason I did just that. However, I have been working on myself and how I react for years because I found out you can’t change them. But the next time she went on her rant about my husband, I told her in no uncertain terms that he was dead and I never wanted to hear anything bad come from her lips about him ever again. And that was the last time she talked smack about him. Did I stay in her life? She’s damn lucky I did! Did I forgive her? Never. I will never forget those comments. You are one of the lucky ones brave enough to walk away. If it was me, I doubt I could ever go back. A tough decision only you can make. I wish you peace and luck.
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First off, I'm so sorry this has happened. Secondly, I didn't see the word "dementia" in your post, so I'm assuming she does not have something neurological going on. In my (limited) experience, dealing with a nasty aunt (who also hasn't been diagnosed with dementia - but shows signs) - old age is just not treating them right, so they take it out on everyone around them. Just recently, my siblings placed my aunt in a personal care home. She went willingly (I use that term loosely), BUT she did not want to go and made that abundantly clear. I won't get into all the details, but she did need to go (colostomy bag mishaps constantly). She is so angry at all of us and I really don't see my relationship with her being the same. Even before all of this, she turned into a judgmental old biddy right before our eyes. I, too, questioned this forum about walking away (everyone on here is great). You will vacillate between walking and not walking 20 more times before you decide. Hugs and peace to you.
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Your mother may have dementia or a common loss of filters that come with old age. It can be depression or another medical condition. My first post here was about my dad saying things that were embarrassing and uncharacteristic of him. All the answers I received said it was dementia. Off to the neurologist we went for testing, no dementia at all, but what two doctors termed a “loss of filters” We got honest with dad about it and he worked to keep in in check, though there was some pouting about it. Knowing the reason helped us, it may help you too, but it won’t make it easier to deal with. If this is long term behavior for your mom, it won’t change, other than to worsen, and protecting yourself is never wrong. No one deserves verbal abuse. Consider if you want to know what’s causing this, or if any involvement is too much. If things deteriorate and you find you cannot be involved, call Adult Protective Services in her county and report the situation. She will eventually have an event that forces change. I wish you healing and peace
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Both my parents are still around at 90. We get thru the new personalities by telling ourselves that these are not our kind, loving, smart parents that raised us. These are people we are caring for on good days and bad because they were kind, loving, smart people that raised us and they are doing the best they can exploring this difficult stage of their lives.
Also, just hired in home caregiver from Home Instead 3 half days a week. Mom didn't want it, but now loves it. We call it "Them Instead". If they need something, call THEM IInstead.
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My mother was an abusive bully. She had emotional problems because she was abandoned by her mother and lived through WWII in Germany while her mother lived here in the U.S. It really screwed her up.

She needed help and my father refused to see what was going on. We all pretended everything was okay in that house. The main reason I got married at age 22 was because I needed to leave and couldn't afford to get out otherwise.

I showed up to help take care of my mother and my father when they were in their 90s because I didn't want my sisters to bear the brunt of this alone just because they lived close by and also because I wanted t be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel guilt.

I was not bereft when she died and I don't miss her. I did the right thing for me.
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It's not uncommon. I didn't have that problem personally, but know of many who have. Like the other poster said, genetics do not make "family," but rather how people treat you. Stronger boundaries are a good idea when people are dysfunctional.
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