Hello- my mom is soon to be 93 yro, lives alone in FL and, of course, wants to be independent. I live 500 miles away and fly down monthly or so to check on her, live. As someone stated, my sister and I are 2 senior citizens propping up our 93 yro mom to be independent, and she is totally dependent on us. We have used the "be a snow bird" and others have encouraged her including her PCP many times. We are trying one again, and bringing her home with me this week for a "visit" and to see my sister, too. We have picked out 2 Independent/Asst Living places and plan to take her to visit so she can choose. It's highly likely she will get very angry about it. She has def signs of dementia specifically short term memory. We have a companion come in 13 hrs/wk and no one else to check on her. She handles ADL but I see her slowing down and she is still DRIVING. If Plan A fails (moving her w/lots of resentment on her part) my sister and I agreed that will request her PCP to report her to the DMV. She should not be driving. My 2 questions: 1) has anyone moved their parent, and it totally angered them - how did you handle it? and 2) has anyone every reported their parent with dementia to the DMV? and did they revoke their license?
I reported both my patents to DMV. This was in NY and each state is different. My dad was the first. He drank everyday and his vision was going so I downloaded the form filled it out and sent it. It took a few weeks but they (DMV) sent him a notice that he needed to do a driving test. He went and took the test and failed. My mom (or in your case, someone you know who lives near your mom) had to drive him to the test in case he failed. They told him he could retake the test and perhaps get his license back but he never did. A year and a half later my mom was showing signs of dementia. Short term memory loss and some frustration. After watching her for months and knowing that she was now the only driver in the house, we became worried. So my sister and I reported her. In NY they do not tell the person being tested who reported them to DMV. That was my sisters biggest worry. She did not want my parents to be angry with her. I understand that, but there are innocent people out there and old drivers can cause accidents. I was not comfortable with my mom's ability to continue driving. Anyway, I don't remember how she got to the driving test, probably a friend (my sister and I live in different states from my parents), but my mom failed the test too. So now neither of them could drive and they had no interest in hiring someone to come into their home to help them.
Long story short. My mom continued to drive, We told her over and over if you get in an accident, you will go to jail. She would not listen. So just know you can advise DMV that your parent is dangerous behind the wheel, but if they take the license away, NO ONE IS GOING TO ENFORCE IT. The police do not care, APS will not intervene. My mom never got into an accident but my sister and I worried about that happening all the time. We finally came and took the keys, but know that they can get the car towed and have new keys made. Hopefully your mom is not that determined.
Now they are in a nursing home. Do they resent us, probably. Did we try everything we could to get them help and keep them safe in their home, YES we did. In the end try to tell your mom:
Make decisions today for what you want tomorrow. Life is changing and if you do not make your choices today, in a manner that safely protects you and your community, you may not get those choices tomorrow.
For your peace of mind do what your gut tells you regardless of whether she gets mad at you. You could save someones life. You could save her life.
Good luck and I wish you the very best with your decisions.
Most important, have a DBPR and get her off the road.
She can be independent in IL or AL. In FL a note from the doctor will do it.
Be strong, do the right thing for her.
You're right you're doing what is best for her, and that *is* crucial. Absolutely agree. However, please keep in mind that doesn't mean the caregiver's feelings about it are nonexistent or unimportant. We're talking about family, not a stranger, maybe someone who you've known and loved or respected your entire life.
Of *course* you have to be strong & do what is best for their needs, not their "wants" - but let's not forget that it's not always easy, which is the whole point of having a forum like this to gain strength and empathy from others in similar situations :).
I'm 86 and drive locally during the day but have voluntarily stopped driving at night or in bad weather. I avoid freeway driving unless it's absolutely essential. Particularly since COVID, our area has experienced a significant increase in confrontational drivers. There have been more than a few "road rage" shooting incidents on our freeways. Scary! I can no longer always go where I'd like or do what I once did, but that's the trade-off. I'm a careful driver with no accidents (so far).
I guess my point is that it may not always be all-in or all-out when it comes to driving unless the person is clearly a danger to self or others. Older adults may be able to make a responsible decision of their own volition. (Admittedly, it will make life much more challenging if/when I can no longer drive to the grocery store, but I think/hope I will know when that time has come.)
See All Answers