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Beedevil66: My husband lives in a memory care facility. He is in the final stage of dementia, Stage 7. He is double incontinent and so are all the others on that floor. They all have severe dementia. Only a few can still talk intelligibly. Most are in wheelchairs. About 1/3 of the residents must be fed because their motor skills are not accurate enough to feed themselves or maybe they've forgotten how.
They communicate with sounds, touch and facial expression, including smiles. They reach out over the table to take a friend's hand and perhaps stroke it. They might offer a bowl of pureed fruit by pushing it across the table toward their friend. If someone isn't in their normal place for a meal, they point to the empty chair with an inquiring look at the aide. The aide will tell them that the missing person is napping or getting a shower or whatever. We don't know how much the resident understands, but their unvoiced question has been answered and perhaps it comforts them if they get even part of the message. If a favorite aide is across the room, they may gesture "come here" until she pays attention to them. Residents sit in the living room on wheelchair, couch or chair and hold hands. They hand each other their baby dolls, or sometimes they don't and have little tiffs over who holds the doll. Those who are mobile wheel themselves or walk to a friend's room if the friend is inside. If the friend is sleeping, they go away.
There is a lot of understanding of their situation; they know and can do much more than we give them credit for. Note: These behaviors have no chance to develop when a patient is kept at home. Without the stimulation and socialization in a so-called "terrible awful horrific dreaded facility," there is no opportunity to make friends.
Which is why, I suppose, we get skeptical comments on this site indicating that people with cognitive decline can't make friends. They can, but in their own way. Being isolated at home precludes that. And that is the truth.
Of course this isn't normal! It's more like ridiculous! A visit once a week from each of you is sufficient, and an hour or 2 is also sufficient. If your sisters want to stay 10 hours let them, but I promise you even they will grow tired of that sooner than later.
I’m glad you’ve found a great place for mom that you feel good about. She needs regular visitors to advocate for her and show the staff she’s a valued person who’s cared about. What she doesn’t need is constant hovering and losing the opportunity to settle in, possibly making friends in the place. Please visit, make sure she has what she needs, bring her treats she likes, then go live your life as your mom should want for you. What others insist isn’t what you have to do, at all, nor is it good for mom
Let them go and take the dog every day and stay for 10 hours. They will soon quit because staying 10 hours in a care home would be exhausting even without a dog to look after.
Better idea: Take the dog and visit for an hour and a half. Not every day. At my husband’s memory care, they have activities, and a dog would be annoying if there for so long. Dogs visit often and are welcome, but the ones who do best are those who are brought by the visitor and taken home after an hour or maybe two. The resident may get tired and not even know the dog is there.
Good luck, but mom needs to get with the program in her new home with her new friends. Don’t sabotage that possible happiness by trying to recreate her other home. They are two different places, and they should be.
Your three sisters are welcome to go visit for however long they want. That doesn't mean you have to. Go only as often as you want to and have time for and let them work out their rotation among themselves. I doubt they'll want to sustain this for very long.
Daily visits are very thoughtful but not sustainable. Neither are 10 hour visits.
What are your thoughts on this? It is okay to set boundaries. What can you sustain? Do you have your own family? How far are you from your mother? Be honest with yourself and your sisters and do what is best for you.
I agree, Mom needs time to adjust to her new home. 10 hours is too much. Mornings are usually busy with getting residents dressed and then down to breakfast. Then med passes and before you know it, lunch. After lunch some like to nap. Activities are usually after lunch and sometimes Entertainment. Then dinner. After dinner they start settling the residents down. The staff may not appreciate your sisters under foot and the dog. With four of you, you could each visit one a day. In 8 days you've visited 2x. I would not stay more than an hour.
When my MIL was in rehab my BIL thought we should be there from 9 to 5. She had therapy every morning at 10am. We left when she had lunch. It was so boring. I never spent that much time with my parents.
Lookingaftermom, welcome to the forum. Oh dear, 10 hours is 8 or 9 hours too long. You need to have your Mom learned who the Staff people are and what they are scheduled to do for her. You need to have your Mom learn who the other residents are so she can find common interest.....
Mom can't do those things if you and your sisters are there for 10 hours each day. It's similar to taking a child to school and you sitting in class with that child for the whole day, doing things that the teacher should be doing.
When my Dad moved to senior living, I use to visit him after dinner for a couple of hours. Dad, being in his 90's, was sleepy after dinner and was trying to keep awake to entertain me. I then started to cut back, starting going every other day, then eventually narrowed it down to just Sunday. I noticed Dad was more alert by me doing that, he now had a whole week of things to talk about :)
Ten hours? That’s excessive. I scheduled my visits at 11:00 because my father would have to go to the dining room to have lunch at noon. Visitor are not allowed in the room during meals.
This arrangement forced me to limit my time to an hour, which in our situation was more than enough since my father slept through most of my visits.
I also think ten hours would be tough on mom’s dog too. The dog needs to be walked and fed. .
My Mom does not like salads which is the first course at dinner. I found her sitting in the common area one day when everyone was in the dining area. I was told she will get up and walk out of the dining room when sees the salad. So they have her sit in the common area till the main meal is served. So, I started visiting before dinner. When they were ready for her, I took her in and sat her down, kissed her on the cheek and left.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
They communicate with sounds, touch and facial expression, including smiles. They reach out over the table to take a friend's hand and perhaps stroke it. They might offer a bowl of pureed fruit by pushing it across the table toward their friend. If someone isn't in their normal place for a meal, they point to the empty chair with an inquiring look at the aide. The aide will tell them that the missing person is napping or getting a shower or whatever. We don't know how much the resident understands, but their unvoiced question has been answered and perhaps it comforts them if they get even part of the message. If a favorite aide is across the room, they may gesture "come here" until she pays attention to them. Residents sit in the living room on wheelchair, couch or chair and hold hands. They hand each other their baby dolls, or sometimes they don't and have little tiffs over who holds the doll. Those who are mobile wheel themselves or walk to a friend's room if the friend is inside. If the friend is sleeping, they go away.
There is a lot of understanding of their situation; they know and can do much more than we give them credit for. Note: These behaviors have no chance to develop when a patient is kept at home. Without the stimulation and socialization in a so-called "terrible awful horrific dreaded facility," there is no opportunity to make friends.
Which is why, I suppose, we get skeptical comments on this site indicating that people with cognitive decline can't make friends. They can, but in their own way. Being isolated at home precludes that. And that is the truth.
A visit once a week from each of you is sufficient, and an hour or 2 is also sufficient. If your sisters want to stay 10 hours let them, but I promise you even they will grow tired of that sooner than later.
Better idea: Take the dog and visit for an hour and a half. Not every day. At my husband’s memory care, they have activities, and a dog would be annoying if there for so long. Dogs visit often and are welcome, but the ones who do best are those who are brought by the visitor and taken home after an hour or maybe two. The resident may get tired and not even know the dog is there.
Good luck, but mom needs to get with the program in her new home with her new friends. Don’t sabotage that possible happiness by trying to recreate her other home. They are two different places, and they should be.
What are your thoughts on this? It is okay to set boundaries. What can you sustain? Do you have your own family? How far are you from your mother? Be honest with yourself and your sisters and do what is best for you.
When my MIL was in rehab my BIL thought we should be there from 9 to 5. She had therapy every morning at 10am. We left when she had lunch. It was so boring. I never spent that much time with my parents.
Mom can't do those things if you and your sisters are there for 10 hours each day. It's similar to taking a child to school and you sitting in class with that child for the whole day, doing things that the teacher should be doing.
When my Dad moved to senior living, I use to visit him after dinner for a couple of hours. Dad, being in his 90's, was sleepy after dinner and was trying to keep awake to entertain me. I then started to cut back, starting going every other day, then eventually narrowed it down to just Sunday. I noticed Dad was more alert by me doing that, he now had a whole week of things to talk about :)
This arrangement forced me to limit my time to an hour, which in our situation was more than enough since my father slept through most of my visits.
I also think ten hours would be tough on mom’s dog too. The dog needs to be walked and fed. .