Four years ago my dad moved cross country to be closer to my family and his grandkids. The first year plus everything was wonderful (or in retrospect, mostly wonderful. My dad had a handful of moments where he'd snap, but I'll get into that more momentarily). My two boys played soccer and my dad and I teamed up to coach their teams together. During our third season together coaching, my dad got furious at one of the parents who, according to my dad, was putting down another player (I was not nearby and didn't hear the conversation). My dad had a temper tantrum that far exceeded anything I'd seen in my life. The other dad remained calm the entire time. When the other dad tried to speak to me, my dad screamed at the dad not to speak to me. It was one of the most awful, horrifying and humiliating moments of my life. My son as well as a couple other families/kids witnessed this event. The week that followed was awful. While I tried to smooth things over with the other dad and deal with phone calls from the soccer board of directors, my dad sent out a VERY long email to all families on the team explaining his stance in the situation. The board decided my dad could not coach anymore but then changed their mind when the dad my dad had yelled at said he didn't actually want my dad removed as coach. My dad and I got through the rest of the season, but, when the season was over, I knew I would never coach again. I thought my dad had the same sentiments. Fast forward to the following summer. At that time, I had found a new, more competitive team and league for my younger son. I was still looking for a new team for my older son when my dad told me one day he was thinking of coaching in the fall and asked if my older son was still looking for a team. I was completely shocked and thrown off guard. My husband told me that my dad would probably change his mind and not to worry. A couple months later, however, my dad tells me he has a team he's coaching. Even though my dad lives in a different town, he was still coaching in my town. My kids (now in 2nd and 3rd grade) knew that my dad was coaching. I would overhear my dad talking about his team and league (which neither of my boys played for any longer). My dad would miss my kids sporting events because he had a game. On occasion my dad would mention how one or both my sons asked if he could be their coach again. Each time he asked, I was not prepared to answer the question. I've gotten as far as to say this way is better on my mental health, but I've never elaborated as to why. This event has taken such a toll on my relationship with my dad. I carry an extreme amount of resentment and anger towards what he did and I don't even know that he understands why. I've shared my story with some close family and friends (and a therapist also). I've waited for one person to tell me I should give my dad another chance, but, so far, no one has said that to me. I will add that, while this was the worst outburst my dad has had since moving to California, it's not the only incident. On occasion he'll snap at my kids or me and tell us not to ever disrespect him (I won't even know what we did wrong) and last year he got very angry and threw his hat on the ground over my younger son being placed in goalie or getting benched. On the total flip side, my dad is like a very loud third child when at my house or when we're out together as a family. He's extremely dependent on us for social interaction (he's made some effort to establish himself socially, but it hasn't worked out great). If I express concern regarding breaking something in the house or not running into other people when out in public, my dad will either brush it off or get annoyed with me. I'll also share that my dad's hearing is TERRIBLE which makes verbal communication very difficult. Any feedback on how to get my dad to step away from coaching, not get angry at us, and two be less socially dependent on me?
I don't believe parents should be coaching their own kids. They either show favoritism or are too hard on them. When Dad brings up coaching his grands, just tell him you don't think its a good idea.
The only person whose behaviour you can change is your own.
So, the main thing is to protect your children and yourself. Don't let your children be coached by your dad; don't get involved with your dad's coaching in any way; don't accept the way your dad talks to you or your family.
I would limit how much you see your dad, so that there is some separation between your home life and visiting with your dad. You are separate people and you have separate lives, so keep that distinction. Create boundaries to protect you and your family.
If your dad does develop dementia or any other progressive disease, I wouldn't take on caregiving duties - he's too volatile and he won't change.
If he ever asks you why your boys can't be on his team, you tell him it's because of his temper and because you think they're better off with a coach who's impartial.
If you need your husband for support, because of your dad's temper and tendancy to put you down, then make sure he's there on your side when you ever have to confront your father. Present a united front.
Don’t go coaching with or for that matter see your dad again! Please get away yourself and your own family from your extremely abusive father for which there is no excuse for his behavior. You and your family owe him nothing!! I would like to slap his stupid acting’s face!! It’s good you’re seeing a therapist.
Reminds me if my late bullying mother’s behavior but your fathers is much, much worse.
Your Dad will never change and needs to stop coaching with you and your kids forever.
He is poison to you, your kids and your own family. Please step away from Dad and let him suffer the consequences of his toxic actions.
Whether your father is coaching or not doesn't have anything whatsoever to do with you.
It is between your father and those running this school team. If they allow him to teach then you have nothing to say about it.
If you wish to limit contact with your father, then you should do so and tell him why; let him know that as long as he isn't pleasant to be around you won't be around him. And DO NOT, whatever else you do, meddle in his life, his affairs or his try to become his POA. Trying to function for someone who is aging, and who is doing it in this manner is a nightmare, and you will get ZERO thanks for it from anyone.
As for how you can cope with it, you don't have to. Scary idea, isn't it? But if a family relationship isn't working on both sides, and if your children are being exposed to this hurtful behavior, it may be time to keep your distance. A lot of distance. Family rifts occur for a reason, and this is a good one.
As far as having family time without Dad always there, you don’t owe excuses.
You stop sharing all your family’s life and information with Dad . He does not need to know what you are doing or where you go all the time .
You are not his entertainment , nor are you responsible for his happiness.