My mom is 87, in a wheelchair and still wants to stay in her home and live alone. She will not come and live with me or go to an assisted living. I’m afraid she will fall. She has a medical alert but will not wear it. She’s blind in one eye and can’t see well out of the other. Social Services have been out and said as long as she understands the danger, there’s nothing they can do to make her leave. Can I get a POA without her consent? I’ve considered Home Health. She doesn’t want anyone in her house because she has cats and the urine/feces is a mess. Right now my sis and I are taking turns cleaning that mess every day.I need some advice. It’s so unsanitary.
Or, she stubbornly doesn't ask for a change in help and stews in her mess all day. I think this is a clear sign of cognitive impairment. This is when you bring APS back in and work with social services to get her placed.
There really isn't any other options. You can take her in, but should you? Many on this site will point out that she's not even "as bad as it can get" in terms of behaviors and needs. Please resist thinking you can rescue her by moving her into your home. Especially if she doesn't (or can no longer) assign someone as PoA. This is definitely a dealbreaker for in-home care. The caregiving arrangement cannot be onerous to the caregiver -- it is 100% unsustainable. Others who have been there and done that will confirm this.
I'm sorry your family is in this situation. May you receive clarity, courage, strength, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help find a solution.
If Mom was deemed incompetent you could seek guardianship . However many elders refuse to go for cognitive testing . You could call APS , sometimes it takes more than one visit , you could also try Mom’s County Area of Aging to see if they would recommend and assist with placement .
If Mom ends up in the hospital , you could speak to the doctor and see if they would say she could not live alone anymore. Do not take Mom home , once you take her home and make your residence Mom’s legal residence it can be very difficult to have her placed in a facility.
I would go look at facilities and have a few in mind , in case at some point the hospital says she can not live alone. If that happens the hospital social worker could help with placement. Do not have Mom live with you especially if you do not have POA or guardianship . You tell the hospital there is no one to take care of Mom so they will assist with placement . Do not take Mom home even if they promise to send help , because it won’t be enough . You say it’s an “ unsafe discharge “.
If Mom is so resistive to your suggestions and you do not have POA or guardianship then it may be best to let her become a ward of the state to get her placed at some point .
Even if you could get your Mom to sign a Power of Attorney, that doesn't mean you can force her to move. If she is clear minded, it is still her choice on where to live. I had POA for my parents, my Mom refused to have a caregiver or move. Dad wanted to move, but Mom won that discussion.
So, like many of us here on the forum, I had to wait for a medical emergency. Mom had one fall too many, 911 was called, she was hospitalized, then sent to rehab where she lived, then onto a nursing home. Mom now needed a village to help her.
As for the cats, each cat needs their own litter box. If she has 3 cats, three boxes are needed. Otherwise, the cat will think outside of box.
If the truth is that your mom is currently considered not a danger to herself and considered competent, there is nothing you can do.
You do not "get" POA "over" someone. A person must be competent and WISH TO GIVE YOU POA. And if they are competent you cannot do anything with a POA they do not wish you to do.
In the case that you are unable to act for your mother and the authorities that exist will not assist or intervene you are left exactly where you are. She has lived a long life. Whether she dies in her home or in a nursing home, at this point it matters little EXCEPT TO HER. If this is her choice and she is rational to make it you will have to accept it and provide best you can/as you wish to for her.
Sorry, but that's the fact, and not a lot to be done about it.
We more than likely know it would be better to get new hearing aids , for example. Better hearing aids would improve there health and brain function but it's more important to go shopping and by more and more junk.
I can go on and on, with an endless list of things I wish my mother would do or would of done.
But the fact is we can't change them, and the fact is I can't change myself to be a person that can fold a towel the exact way she wants me to fold the darn, stupid towel, with out feeling a bit cray cray.
Many of us here are waiting for the enable horrible phone call, or to call and have no one answer.
The only thing I can do is limit my time, set boundaries. My mom has a degenerative spine. I just recently told mom and POA brother, that I will do what I can to help her get back on her feet, take her to physical therapy and all that. But under no circumstances will I be there next time. The GP said they have done all they could and she has to go to ER next time. I told her the same exact thing.
I took my control back. I feel good about it. It's the right thing to do for her also. All I am doing is enabling her and my family to keep mom home. Not doing it anymore!
I would talk to your sister, make a plan to not go for a period of time. When the house gets really bad then call APS, or center for the aging.
I hope this helps a bit. Best of luck from one going through the same horrible situation
My MIL will not assign POA to either of us and I after I explained to her what ward of the state means, I have come to see it as a gift.
A POA will not really help you now. Guardianship is your legal option and it is REALLY expensive ($10,000 - $20,000 and court dates). All the other suggestions you have received are valid. I had POA for my parents and they were just like your mom (minus the cat issue). My mom refused in home help (we got it anyway but it was a struggle, hard to find, and expensive). APS told me there was nothing they could do. My parents were cognizant (in their opinion) and they had rights.
Something will happen. She will end up in the hospital and then you can step in and tell the hospital your mom is not safe at home. They need to know (the hospital) that your mom has no safe environment to return to if she is discharged from the hospital. She will be sent to a nursing home for medical care and from there you can work with that senior community/nursing home to keep her safe. Save your money because it will be expensive unless she qualifies for medicaid.
This is a great site to get other peoples views and experiences. As everyone else said, do not take her into your home. I also think the suggestion to tell her that you and your sister are busy and can't do all the things she needs will help you push her to listen to you. Best of luck and let us know how things work out.
Also stop propping her up. This is why she thinks she can live on her own. You and your sister are doing all the work. Visit once a week not daily.
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