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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Friend has basically isolated herself from talking to any other friends & relatives except me. It's taking a toll on me to try to keep solving this problem by myself.
I have a sibling with undiagnosed lifelong mental illness. He’s the most unhappy, discontent person I’ve ever known. You state your friend has been like this many years, that’s a good indication of her being very unlikely to change, except to perhaps worsen. My sibling has certainly worsened. I, along with many others, used to try to make things better, but we’ve all learned we cannot help or fix the problems, most especially as it’s so common for the mentally ill to believe that everyone else is the problem (hence the isolating) My advice, stop trying to solve your friend’s issues, and severely limit the time you spend listening to the issues. Protect your own wellbeing and limit your exposure. I’m sorry it can’t be better, sometimes that’s just true. I wish you peace
I found myself in this situation (unfortunately a few times) and it's very difficult because you want to be a helpful friend but you can't bear the whole responsibility of their well being. I also found that if you can't keep being the strong supportive one 100 percent of the time, they turn on you. It appears that we are not supposed to have a life. Someone who totally isolates needs a kind sympathetic professional therapist to help them. She needs to keep trying until she clicks with the right one.
I know you feel sorry for this person and think you're helping them by giving their bad behavior a platform -- but you're wrong. The more attention you give it, the more you feed it. It degrades both you and her. The answer is to attempt to extinguish the behavior.
When she calls you (please don't initiate calls or visits to her) and she starts down her dysfunctional path you abruptly change the subject to something happier or neutral. She will be disarmed and upset will attempt to go back to her old subject but you apply the same strategy: you don't acknowledge her pointing out that you've just ignored what she said and instead abruptly change the topic again, as if she didn't say anything. You keep doing this consistently during the conversation and any future conversations. She will either voluntarily end the relationship or she will stop talking her unpleasant nonsense to you (like my MIL did). Extinguishing does work, you just need to be very consistent in doing it. You absolutely ignore any of her negative or dysfunctional interactions.
If your friend has dementia, all bets are probably off and you need to have a boundary with this person that YOU defend.
Depends on if friend has dementia or serious brain chemistry changes. You are responding without knowing this information which is critical to knowing how to support this friend.
You 'do not' ignore or be cruel to a person with dementia - and YOU do not know the health specifics of this friend in need / deciding to isolate.
You access as best you can and inform APS to schedule a home visit.
There's a line between being a kind, helpful friend or an empath who takes all the pain into herself. You must be the latter. There's nothing wrong with that - until it starts affecting your mental health. Then, in the interest of self-preservation, you must back away.
Don't be so willing to listen whenever she feels like dumping on you. Do have other things to do that she isn't part of - such as, for example, joining an art club because you know she has no interest in joining one herself. Keep in mind that there are some things you just don't have the capacity to help. You're not a professional mental health counselor. Remind her of that, and offer to help her set up an appointment with one.
This is not a problem you need to solve. Her family, or her medical POA, needs to take charge of her care. Is she in a dangerous situation? What exactly are you worried about, and trying to resolve? If she is not in immediate danger, you can leave her to isolate herself, and limit your phone calls and interactions. She has the right to stubbornly isolate herself at home, without family intervention. Perhaps you could share some specific examples of the behavior you are worried about and get advice on how you could intervene as a friend.
If she has dementia, or mental health issues which are compromising her ability to make sound decisions, you could call APS and have them check on her.
Realize your limitations. There is only so much you can do. You can't make this person do something they don't want to do. You can't make their family do what you think they should. It is not something you can solve.
Is Dementia involved? If so, its up to her family to find her help. This woman probably should not be alone. You need to tell her family you can only do so much. She needs help that you can't give. Then start to step back. You don't have to answer every call or try to solve every problem. Legally you can't do much.
Great advice here. You have a right to live your life. People like this can take over your life, and others will let this happen, often under the mistaken view that you are happy to do this. In my own situation, as a young widow, people assumed I somehow had more time and ability to help these people and that it would give my life 'purpose'. No. You cannot afford to let people suck your precious time and energy. It can become a bottomless pit.
Sounds like she needs a social worker / some professional help.
I'd recommend you contact Adult Protective Services and ask them to do a visit to access the situation.
This friend may need to be in an AI or memory care facility. Not so easy to do if nothing in the works or set up already.
If friend is legally responsible for herself, then there is little or nothing you can do (from my experience) besides asking APS to access.
You 'can't' change a person / their behavior when they are declining from dementia or 'serious' brain chemistry changes. You can only support them to get there services they need AND talk to friend's family.
This isn't something you should take on yourself 'to solve.' You are very limited as a friend. There are so many variables to consider (which you do not state).
If friend decides to isolate herself from friends and relatives, then that is her decision. As she lets you visit, arrange visit with APS. Certainly do not her they are coming.
In my experience, a person 'gets the help they need' when they fall, scream out for help or you happen to visit / be there and the person is taking to the emergency room. When they are hospitalized, they will be assessed. This is what happened to my client - and she was assessed to go into memory care. It was a 'blessing in disguise' that she fell and screamed and that neighbor(s) heard her.
I am interested to hear what others suggest.
Nice of you to be so concerned for your friend. We all need a friend like YOU.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
When she calls you (please don't initiate calls or visits to her) and she starts down her dysfunctional path you abruptly change the subject to something happier or neutral. She will be disarmed and upset will attempt to go back to her old subject but you apply the same strategy: you don't acknowledge her pointing out that you've just ignored what she said and instead abruptly change the topic again, as if she didn't say anything. You keep doing this consistently during the conversation and any future conversations. She will either voluntarily end the relationship or she will stop talking her unpleasant nonsense to you (like my MIL did). Extinguishing does work, you just need to be very consistent in doing it. You absolutely ignore any of her negative or dysfunctional interactions.
If your friend has dementia, all bets are probably off and you need to have a boundary with this person that YOU defend.
You 'do not' ignore or be cruel to a person with dementia - and YOU do not know the health specifics of this friend in need / deciding to isolate.
You access as best you can and inform APS to schedule a home visit.
There's a line between being a kind, helpful friend or an empath who takes all the pain into herself. You must be the latter. There's nothing wrong with that - until it starts affecting your mental health. Then, in the interest of self-preservation, you must back away.
Don't be so willing to listen whenever she feels like dumping on you. Do have other things to do that she isn't part of - such as, for example, joining an art club because you know she has no interest in joining one herself. Keep in mind that there are some things you just don't have the capacity to help. You're not a professional mental health counselor. Remind her of that, and offer to help her set up an appointment with one.
Good luck in your self-preservation campaign!
Her family, or her medical POA, needs to take charge of her care.
Is she in a dangerous situation? What exactly are you worried about, and trying to resolve? If she is not in immediate danger, you can leave her to isolate herself, and limit your phone calls and interactions. She has the right to stubbornly isolate herself at home, without family intervention. Perhaps you could share some specific examples of the behavior you are worried about and get advice on how you could intervene as a friend.
If she has dementia, or mental health issues which are compromising her ability to make sound decisions, you could call APS and have them check on her.
Realize your limitations. There is only so much you can do. You can't make this person do something they don't want to do. You can't make their family do what you think they should. It is not something you can solve.
I'd recommend you contact Adult Protective Services and ask them to do a visit to access the situation.
This friend may need to be in an AI or memory care facility.
Not so easy to do if nothing in the works or set up already.
If friend is legally responsible for herself, then there is little or nothing you can do (from my experience) besides asking APS to access.
You 'can't' change a person / their behavior when they are declining from dementia or 'serious' brain chemistry changes. You can only support them to get there services they need AND talk to friend's family.
This isn't something you should take on yourself 'to solve.' You are very limited as a friend. There are so many variables to consider (which you do not state).
If friend decides to isolate herself from friends and relatives, then that is her decision. As she lets you visit, arrange visit with APS. Certainly do not her they are coming.
In my experience, a person 'gets the help they need' when they fall, scream out for help or you happen to visit / be there and the person is taking to the emergency room. When they are hospitalized, they will be assessed. This is what happened to my client - and she was assessed to go into memory care. It was a 'blessing in disguise' that she fell and screamed and that neighbor(s) heard her.
I am interested to hear what others suggest.
Nice of you to be so concerned for your friend.
We all need a friend like YOU.
Gena / Touch Matters