How can we best let our 100 year old Mom, finally in assisted living, say goodbye to her house?
She had lived fairly independently in her own house (with help from family, neighbors, and church friends) until several recent falls made that no longer viable. The problem is that her house is *not* senior-friendly, with lots of steps and no bathroom or bedroom on the main level. She is now in a nice Assisted Living place, but she complains about almost everything because it's not her house and things aren't done the way *she* would do them.
She keeps saying she wants to take a trip back to her house (which is in the same city but across town). Our (her kids') fear is that if we take her there for a visit, she could likely injure herself trying to do the stairs, even under supervision. We also fear that, once there, she will start crying and refuse to leave.
She knew that her current scenario was likely and she refused to prepare a safe place for her retirement (including the option of making modifications to her house). Two of us "kids" live out of state, one lives across town and has serious health issues, and we are all over 60 ourselves. Although her neighbors helped her out a lot, including with some emergency hospital visits, we don't think she should have put them in that position.
Her philosophy seems to be, "it worked out before, so it will work out, I'll manage". She has no clue how much stress her "independence" has put on the people around her. She refused to get in-home care when she was still living there, when it might have made a difference.
Another complicating factor is that her hearing is bad and getting worse. This makes everything more difficult. (She had a chance to get hearing aids but opted to "wait" and go someplace else, which she never did.) She does not have dementia but is slowing down cognitively, probably due to aging and the hearing decline.
It seems cruel *not* to let her put closure on living at her house, but we seriously doubt she will go back to AL if we take her to visit her house. She speaks about it as though she is there temporarily for rehab, and "those other people" are staying there permanently. The house is not on the market, and the one local son has been taking care of the bills and administration. This is a conundrum.
We don't want to make her depressed, but we also want our Mom to accept reality and start enjoying her new place. What do you suggest?
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Your mother is 100 years old. If this is her first disappointment and cause for depression, she's an amazingly lucky woman.
Speak to the Activity Director about encouraging your mother to come to the activities designed for elders her age. And to join groups for card games and walking and chair exercises, etc. Give her time to adjust but do not, under any circumstances, take her back home.
Slowing down cognitively along with hearing loss suggests dementia. With cognitive impairment, it is especially important you do not take her back home, but encourage her to get involved at the AL. I used to bring my mother her favorite Italian food sometimes when she was particularly complaining about the food in AL. They all do, it's the law. I also brought her nice tops with matching costume jewelry so she could look "nicer" than the other old ladies in her group. It matters to them to keep up with the Joneses.
Best of luck setting down some boundaries and sticking to them.
Closure is a term that gets bandied about a lot. It sets us up for a solution that we hope will make us feel all better. That can almost never happen because our expectations aren't realistic. Mom wants to recapture the best part of her life, which involved her house. She can get out of the car, you can drag her around to see her favorite plants in the yard, you can boost her up the steps - but she won't be feeling what she did before. In fact, she'll be sad. There is no closure.
Acceptance is what fixes a difficult situation. The more you cater to her whims about blah blah blah (and there'll be more), the more you encourage her to think things can be like they were before. Help her by enjoying her new place with her. Join in her activities sometimes. Encourage and coax her into friendships with pleasant people who live there. Form a bond with another parent-child duo and try to visit at the same times, all four of you eating at the same table in the dining room.
Mom had her chances. Hearing aids, in-home care, home modifications, and I'm sure you thought of it all. Your mistake at that time was letting mom run the show. Don't make that same mistake now! Help her to reach acceptance of her new life. Apparently HER decisions got her to where she is today, so you've let her be in charge when she could be. Now she can't be. Guide her in the direction of her new life, not the old one.
PS: With cognitive decline, it can advance quickly into dementia, so expect some changes with that. Good luck in doing what you have to do.
I think your worries about what a bad idea it is are correct. I'd go with those and not take her back. Don't enable making it 'work out' for her. She's not independent and her judgement's not good.
Then present her with a beautiful photo album. This could also be a nice gift for you and your siblings and any of your children, if it's the house you all grew up in / Grandma's house. She might accept this as her goodbye, and enjoy showing it to visitors and her new neighbors. If it makes her too sentimental now, take it away and bring it back later when she's more settled. You can share the memories over time, but also point out that hazards if necessary.
Also find out from the staff how her attitude really is. Some Assisted Living and Memory Care residents are content or even thriving in their new setting, but still let loose with negativity whenever they see or talk with their children. My example is that they're like the young child who cries about going to school but if you secretly peek in the classroom, they're doing just fine. I've seen family members leave looking shaken and sad from the complaints, while after their departure the senior is happily joining in the with guest singer or socializing in the dining room.
They were lucky enough to slightly know the couple who bought it and my mom still gets updates every once in awhile about how her roses are doing or whether the crows are still visiting the bird bath and like that.
Why don't you sell the house? My MIL's finally went into foreclosure so that put a natural end to things. Your Mom maybe now needs meds for her agitation. Age-related decline usually includes sadness/depression and resistance to change, denial, negativity, paranoia, etc. Nothing good will come from taking her back and you are projecting onto her how you want her to feel about her facility but it's not realistic and not going to happen.
My advice is sell the house and move on.
It is unfortunate if she is depressed by her reality. You can't fix that. Certainly not with a visit to the house she once lived in. That will only cause more emotional turmoil for her - and likely for you.
She had not made a plan, took a wait and see, do nothing approach to her aging. Now, she is in an assisted living, where she should be.
Bring a few items from her home to make her new home feel like home. Pictures or decor she would have looked at daily. Something from her bedroom and something from her living space. A special coffee mug, or plants if she loved having plants around. Whatever might make her feel more comfortable and more at home.
You don't need to make her happy. Only she can choose to be happy or at least content with her life.
It's time to sell the house.
Maybe ask her to write a letter to the new owners telling them some of her memories of the house and why it is special.
You do not have to give this letter to the real estate agent but keep it for yourself to remember mom and some of the memories she had. (Might even be useful for her service when she dies.)
I love this. I wish the people who owned my house before me had given us such a letter.
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