My mother has always been extremely selfish and difficult (most likely a narcissist). She had a very serious fall a year ago, resulting in multiple broken bones and is now unable to walk on her own. Because of that, she could not return to independent living. We found a lovely assisted living facility and she very reluctantly agreed to sell her house to move there. (Around the clock in-home care was even more expensive than this facility, which is one of the best in the area.)
Because the assisted living is a studio with no kitchen, she could only take so many belongings. She wrote a list of what she wanted, we packed it up and painstakingly went over all of this with her. With her permission, family members took a very few items and the rest was donated.
Now she regularly berates me and my sister for giving her remaining belongings away. Despite the fact that she doesn't have a kitchen, she yells about not having her electric frying pan. She is especially focused on her crystal glassware and China dinnerware that she literally hasn't used since 1985. My sister and I finally boxed up her China dinnerware and brought it to her room storing it in a corner. This satisfied her for about 10 minutes and she was back to yelling about her glassware which my sister has in boxes. My mom will never use the glasses and has zero remaining space in her assisted living apartment.
What is going on here? She spends all of her time running through the inventory of her belongings in her mind...items she cannot use or store anymore. Naturally there was no 'thank you' for all of the work of going through her belongs (which she refused to do during the past decade), and readying her house for sale.
I understand moving to assisted living is a difficult transition, but I am tired of being berated. My sister and I do an incredible amount for her and treat her with respect despite how awful she is and has always been. She does have some minor dementia now, but she's always been like this and it's frankly exhausting. I am now limiting my visits to once a week but I dread even going to see her that often.
Has anyone had an elderly parent who acts like this? If so, what did you do?
She has things in her attic that maybe at 30 I would of wanted, that she holds onto as a , a carrot, someday if you play your cards right this will be yours. 😆
That ship sailed, I have my own stuff, to much stuff.
Your right in limiting your visit, and you are not alone.
There isn't much you can do about the NPD since this is her default personality trait(s). When the accusations and other behaviors start, leave. No word or anything is needed. You don't have to put up with disrespect.
I'm hot-headed by nature; so, I have no problem disengaging from people who are pains in the derriere. Usually, I will leave in silence because I know if I didn't, it would be hell to pay.
I had a father who was awful. Towards the end of his life, I was doing good to visit him every six months or twice a year. I lived ten minutes from the family home. So, leave it to his wife and him, I was a spoiled brat who he sacrificed for and was thankless for what he provided. I was like; whatever. But isn't that the character of a narcissist re-writing the narrative of the truth? You end up doing all the work while they enjoy the ride.
Always a difficult person turns into an impossibly difficult person to deal with once dementia sets in.
One year I set my parents AL apartment up with Christmas decorations like I'd been doing the previous years in IL. The day after Christmas, mom called me several times to find out when I'd be coming by to remove said Christmas decorations. I told her I didn't know, that my stepdaughter was coming to visit and I'd be busy. But not to worry, I wouldn't forget. She proceeded to hound me several times a day and I proceeded to assure her I'd remove the damned decorations, what was the big deal??? With these women though, everything is a Big Deal. A day later I took my stepdaughter by to visit my folks and spend some time. The FIRST thing out of my mother's mouth was, "When are you going to get rid of these Christmas decorations?" I think I had a TIA right then, I was seeing bright lights in my field of vision. I yelled very loudly RIGHT NOW MA. And my SD and I proceeded to grab every single Christmas item out of that apartment and load it into my car, Willy nilly, so not one remnant of festivity remained in her tidy little world. I slammed the door on our way out as a few more blood vessels burst in my forehead.
Later that evening, my father called. He wanted to know why I was so aggravated all the time with my mother? That she was feeling very hurt over my behavior that day. I asked dad if he was kidding or what?
Set down firm boundaries and don't flinch. Stick to your guns 100% of the time. Because mom will look for you to crack just a bit so she can start in with the antagonizing again. Then tell you how hurt she is over your attitude. Been there done that. Learn from my mistakes.
Depending on her memory you can tell her the items are in storage. There is no way to reason with someone with dementia: their brains are broken and they're losing their reason and logic and ability to have empathy. When she starts in on the possessions talk, tell her you'll talk about it later then take out your phone and show her some family pics or funny animal videos on YouTube, anything to distract her. If all else fails tell her you'll return to visit when she is in a happier mood. Then stop responding to her negativism and berating. Literally ignore it and then leave.
The belongings , my mother drove me crazy. She even called 911 over it , while in assisted living .
Tell Mom she has what she needs and are not discussing it any longer . If she still doesn’t stop , you leave . Say “ gotta go now “ , and leave .
Shut down the conversation and exit. You’re dedicating to much energy to this nonsense.
1) Get a line ready for ‘beratings’ – eg “You didn’t make these choices yourself. Now we can only try.” Repeat, repeat.
2) Ask if she enjoys the visits. Does she want you to enjoy the visits? Tell her that if both of you don’t enjoy the visits, it’s better if you don’t visit. If she wants them, she needs to make sure they are enjoyable for you. “even if you are faking it, I won’t come if they clearly aren’t enjoyable for either of us”.
3) Work out the lines to repeat. For example “are you enjoying this visit, yes or no”. If you don’t get a ‘yes’ straight away, say ‘OK I’m going’ and walk out.
Don’t be afraid of walking out, and be prepared to do it several times before it sinks in to her that you won’t accept being treated badly.