Dad lives independently in his house of 45 years in Florida. I am in Pennsylvania and my brother lives out West, so there are no other relatives who can check in on him. Most of his friends have passed and I am concerned for his safety and well being. His physician's office has called/e-mailed me on several occasions that he has missed his wellness checks and needs to have medication refills approved. Dad still drives, works out at the gym 5-6 days a week, shops and cooks for himself. On the surface all seems well, but phone calls with him over the last 6 months have shown that he repeats himself, asks the same questions from 10 minutes ago, has missed an electric bill payment which got his electric turned off for 2 days in the brutal Florida summer as well as getting himself lost while driving on 2 occasions and had to ask passersby to help him get home. My brother and I have received several calls, e-mails and texts from one of his friends and also the gym management attesting to a personality change, repetition, etc. I contacted "A Place for Mom" and found a fully licensed and vetted organization that did a preliminary in-home assessment 2 days ago at my request and reported that he definitely is neglecting his residence. Dad was not open to any of their assistance for lawn care, pool service, housecleaning, bookkeeping, transportation, etc. and told me not to send anymore agencies. But in the meantime, he constantly calls my brother and I pleading for help with "handyman" style work, finding a realtor, attorney, etc. to assist with his legalities. He has no will, no POA, no advance directives, but continues to say he is on top of things and will get to it tomorrow, next week, etc. Luckily he did sign the Hippa agreement for me to communicate with his medical team. I scheduled a free consultation for him with a law firm but I am concerned that he will forget the appointment or get lost driving there. Overall, it's a very complicated situation and on one hand he says he knows that his mind is slipping and that he is not as sharp and plans to sell his assets and move to a senior apartment. Then on another day he says he is in the best health and is content living in his house. Any ideas out there??? Please, only positive solutions. At this point, neither my brother or myself are in a position to visit him due to other family and work obligations. I have been on this forum for 5 years as my mother is in SN on hospice with CKD, malnutrition, and moderate dementia. Thank you for all the support, prayers and compassion regarding her situation.
You and/or your brother need to decide whether you are willing to be his durable PoA and whether you will work to move him close to you so you can better manage his affairs. After all, he will not improve or remain at the same level of function, he will only continue to decline and need more help/oversight. You will not solve much trying to manage things from so far away. And forget it if he doesn't assign anyone PoA. No PoA means you will have to pursue guardianship, or the courts will assign someone not of his choosing.
Once he assigns DPoA then you take him for his wellness exam which will include a cognitive test (basic). Once the test reveals an issue, then they will continue to test for other possible causes of his symptoms. Dementia is diagnosed mostly by eliminating all other causes.
Then you will need to educate yourselves about dementia so that you have correct expectations for better decision making for a sustainable solution for his future care.
What's it going to take before you and your brother take away his keys and car...him hitting and possibly killing some innocent person/child on the roadways?
This is a VERY serious matter and needs to be addressed NOW. Your dad can no longer drive. Period, end of sentence!
And while it's not convenient for you or your brother, one of you need to take a month off and go down to FL to get the ball rolling of him selling his home so he can move into an assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached as he'll need it later. He doesn't need to be in a "senior apartment" as he's now past being able to live on his own and the sooner you and your brother get out of denial about that the better off your dad will be.
He now needs to be in a facility where he'll be looked after and with folks his own age, where he won't have to drive anywhere and where he'll be taken to his doctors appointments by the facilities van, and have access to different activities to keep him as busy as he'd like.
Your dad will NEVER get better but will only continue to get worse, so time is of the essence now.
And while you're down in FL make sure that you take your dad to his lawyer to get his POA's down before it's too late, as once his dementia gets worse he'll no longer be able to legally designate anyone as his POA. So again...time is of the essence.
Oh and to answer your question as to how you can "convince" your dad to keep his appointments....you can't, as again his brain is now permanently broken and will never get better only worse.
He now needs someone to step up and make sure that he is kept safe and is looked after properly, and if it can't be you or your brother than perhaps it best that you allow the state of FL to take over his care.
And for God's sake take away his car keys/car or have his car disabled in some way before he kills someone.
You need to see how he is living.
You need to see how he is doing physically and mentally.
You say he does not have a POA for Health and Finances that needs to be done ASAP. If it can be done. If a lawyer interviewing him does not think he is competent they will not allow him to sign documents appointing a POA and then you and or your brother will have to go the route of Guardianship.
Your dad is living alone he does not sound like he is safe to be doing so.
The fact that you are concerned that he will forget an appointment or GET LOST DRIVING to the appointment tells me that he probably should not be driving, he should not be living alone.
Please don't wait for disaster to strike before you and your brother to go to FL to help him. Let us know how things work out. Good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation.
When he finally got off permanently he was about a hundred miles from home and had been driving for days; he'd somehow gotten on the Florida turnpike too. So there he was in an unfamiliar neighborhood and couldn't find his street. Not surprising! He was a hundred miles away. He drove up to a rest area, got out of the car and went into the rest room. It was a guard shack at a condominium, and he peed and went back outside. Fortunately a security guard found him and called police. They called my friend, and someone in the family had to drive that hundred miles to pick him up in the dark predawn hours. Almost the same scenario happened to my brother-in-law. Both of these guys could have driven into a canal, been victim of foul play, or gotten lost in the swamps.
Don't wait until something like this happens to your dad. He needs to be in a memory care unit where he can get the care he requires. No more pretending it's all going to be okay. It isn't, and you need to take action NOW. I wish you luck as you move forward to take care of your dad.
Unfortunately, I doubt anything you or anyone else can say to him from afar will have a positive effect. Sadly, he’s only going to get worse. More confused. More self neglect. More frequent, more severe dangerous mistakes.
I am sorry you are in this stressful situation. I can tell how upset you are and trying to do the right thing.
A crisis will happen sooner or later and then he will have no choice.
I just read that 1 in 4 Floridians over 60 live alone.
https://www.floridatoday.com/story/life/wellness/2026/02/10/one-senior-place-are-there-resources-for-solo-seniors/88472825007/
“Solo seniors are often surprised to learn that if no one is named to act on their behalf and they become incapacitated, a court-appointed guardian will step in to make financial and healthcare decisions. The guardian is typically a stranger, and their services are paid either from the individual’s assets or, if none exist, by the state.”
It boggles my mind and makes me angry how many people refuse to address the fact that they are almost surely going to become incapacitated and unable to manage their own affairs in later life and do nothing to prepare for it — leaving their kids having to figure out what to do. Even when they DO prepare, it can be extremely stressful.
Best wishes to you.
You still might have to go through probate to get guardianship. It will still cost several thousand and someone's time to execute everything.
He won't be able to stay in his home living independently, even with hired help.
It is time for you and/or your brother to make arrangements for him in a memory care home. Your family and work obligations may need to take a back seat for a few days, while you work this out. Life events happen, and it always interrupts our regular routine. There is no good time for his needs to become a pressing issue in your life.
Please, get someone to take his car keys, and remove the vehicle. It is not safe for him to attempt driving himself anywhere. He has already run into trouble, and he's only going to get worse.
He thinks he could move to a senior apartment. This is not feasible. He can not continue to live independently. He needs an assisted living or memory care environment to keep him safe and meet his evolving needs.
Since you already have permission to communicate with his medical team, I would start there and make sure his physician knows about the specific incidents you, his friend, and the gym staff have observed. You might ask whether they can evaluate him for memory or cognitive changes and whether the office can help arrange an appointment in a way that does not depend on him remembering or driving himself.
I would also consider hiring a local geriatric care manager or aging-life-care professional who can become your eyes and ears in Florida. Sometimes an older parent who refuses “help” from family or an agency will accept assistance from one consistent professional who builds a relationship with them over time.
The driving concerns would worry me the most right now. Getting lost twice is a significant warning sign. If possible, I would try to arrange transportation for the attorney and medical appointments rather than having him drive.
For the immediate practical issues, perhaps you and your brother could quietly simplify whatever he will allow: automatic bill payments, medication delivery or reminders, lawn and pool services, and a trusted local person who can check in periodically. Even getting one or two systems in place could reduce the chance of another emergency like the electricity being shut off.
I also think the attorney appointment is very important while your dad is still able to participate in decisions. If he is willing, perhaps the consultation could be done by phone, video, or even at his home so that getting lost or forgetting the appointment is less of an issue. His wishes about finances, medical decisions, POA, advance directives, and where he wants to live are much easier to address before a crisis forces decisions on everyone.
It sounds like he may still have moments when he recognizes that something is changing. Those may be the best times to approach him, not by telling him he can no longer manage, but by saying you want to help him remain independent and in control for as long as possible.
You are dealing with a lot with both of your parents. I hope you can find one dependable person locally who can establish a relationship with your dad and help you and your brother manage this from a distance. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.