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Dad lives independently in his house of 45 years in Florida. I am in Pennsylvania and my brother lives out West, so there are no other relatives who can check in on him. Most of his friends have passed and I am concerned for his safety and well being. His physician's office has called/e-mailed me on several occasions that he has missed his wellness checks and needs to have medication refills approved. Dad still drives, works out at the gym 5-6 days a week, shops and cooks for himself. On the surface all seems well, but phone calls with him over the last 6 months have shown that he repeats himself, asks the same questions from 10 minutes ago, has missed an electric bill payment which got his electric turned off for 2 days in the brutal Florida summer as well as getting himself lost while driving on 2 occasions and had to ask passersby to help him get home. My brother and I have received several calls, e-mails and texts from one of his friends and also the gym management attesting to a personality change, repetition, etc. I contacted "A Place for Mom" and found a fully licensed and vetted organization that did a preliminary in-home assessment 2 days ago at my request and reported that he definitely is neglecting his residence. Dad was not open to any of their assistance for lawn care, pool service, housecleaning, bookkeeping, transportation, etc. and told me not to send anymore agencies. But in the meantime, he constantly calls my brother and I pleading for help with "handyman" style work, finding a realtor, attorney, etc. to assist with his legalities. He has no will, no POA, no advance directives, but continues to say he is on top of things and will get to it tomorrow, next week, etc. Luckily he did sign the Hippa agreement for me to communicate with his medical team. I scheduled a free consultation for him with a law firm but I am concerned that he will forget the appointment or get lost driving there. Overall, it's a very complicated situation and on one hand he says he knows that his mind is slipping and that he is not as sharp and plans to sell his assets and move to a senior apartment. Then on another day he says he is in the best health and is content living in his house. Any ideas out there??? Please, only positive solutions. At this point, neither my brother or myself are in a position to visit him due to other family and work obligations. I have been on this forum for 5 years as my mother is in SN on hospice with CKD, malnutrition, and moderate dementia. Thank you for all the support, prayers and compassion regarding her situation.

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POA, advance directive, and will need to happen with urgency before dad no longer has mental capacity to do legal documents. Understand you stated no in person visit is possible now, but truly that’s what it will take to get movement on the many steps that need to get moving for dad. He’s losing reasoning, judgment, and becoming more confused by the day. He’s not capable of carrying out all the steps to do the necessary things like bill paying or following through on medical appointments. A senior apartment is not a solution even if he could make that happen. He needs a family member to come guide the needed changes to make life management for him, likely in assisted living, with memory care to come. Some things cannot be done long distance at least for the initial steps. I wish you well in finding the best path forward for dad
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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The answer is what you've been trying to avoid: one of you has to go down there and figure out a sustainable solution -- he can't do it anymore if he has dementia.

You and/or your brother need to decide whether you are willing to be his durable PoA and whether you will work to move him close to you so you can better manage his affairs. After all, he will not improve or remain at the same level of function, he will only continue to decline and need more help/oversight. You will not solve much trying to manage things from so far away. And forget it if he doesn't assign anyone PoA. No PoA means you will have to pursue guardianship, or the courts will assign someone not of his choosing.

Once he assigns DPoA then you take him for his wellness exam which will include a cognitive test (basic). Once the test reveals an issue, then they will continue to test for other possible causes of his symptoms. Dementia is diagnosed mostly by eliminating all other causes.

Then you will need to educate yourselves about dementia so that you have correct expectations for better decision making for a sustainable solution for his future care.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Sandra2424 15 hours ago
Totally agree with these suggestions. You need to get there and see for yourself what is going on. Take enough time off to try to get in a lawyer appt., view care facilities, and just get this done. Trust me, I know this is hard. We had both mothers in their 90's in different states at the same time in the same situation. I wish you well. What a relief it will be when things are set and you can get back to your life.
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I know you only want "positive solutions" but what your dad is now going through is WAY past sugar coating anything. His brain is permanently broken and he can no longer live on his own, as he is not only a danger to himself but also to others by continuing to drive.
What's it going to take before you and your brother take away his keys and car...him hitting and possibly killing some innocent person/child on the roadways?
This is a VERY serious matter and needs to be addressed NOW. Your dad can no longer drive. Period, end of sentence!
And while it's not convenient for you or your brother, one of you need to take a month off and go down to FL to get the ball rolling of him selling his home so he can move into an assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached as he'll need it later. He doesn't need to be in a "senior apartment" as he's now past being able to live on his own and the sooner you and your brother get out of denial about that the better off your dad will be.
He now needs to be in a facility where he'll be looked after and with folks his own age, where he won't have to drive anywhere and where he'll be taken to his doctors appointments by the facilities van, and have access to different activities to keep him as busy as he'd like.
Your dad will NEVER get better but will only continue to get worse, so time is of the essence now.
And while you're down in FL make sure that you take your dad to his lawyer to get his POA's down before it's too late, as once his dementia gets worse he'll no longer be able to legally designate anyone as his POA. So again...time is of the essence.
Oh and to answer your question as to how you can "convince" your dad to keep his appointments....you can't, as again his brain is now permanently broken and will never get better only worse.
He now needs someone to step up and make sure that he is kept safe and is looked after properly, and if it can't be you or your brother than perhaps it best that you allow the state of FL to take over his care.
And for God's sake take away his car keys/car or have his car disabled in some way before he kills someone.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You and your brother should get your butts to Florida and see your dad.
You need to see how he is living.
You need to see how he is doing physically and mentally.
You say he does not have a POA for Health and Finances that needs to be done ASAP. If it can be done. If a lawyer interviewing him does not think he is competent they will not allow him to sign documents appointing a POA and then you and or your brother will have to go the route of Guardianship.

Your dad is living alone he does not sound like he is safe to be doing so.
The fact that you are concerned that he will forget an appointment or GET LOST DRIVING to the appointment tells me that he probably should not be driving, he should not be living alone.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You have no other choice but to go visit dad now, right away, and to consider this the emergency it truly is! Before he kills himself or others driving a motor vehicle in the streets! No other obligations are more important than this one. These ARE the "positive and compassionate solutions" you seek but don't want to hear. At some point, most of us are faced with situations like this which we don't want to deal with but that we must. Dad needs help desperately. He needs Memory Care Assisted Living and for you to get POA for him thru an elder care attorney. Then you can place him in a safe environment w/o his consent and sell his home from afar.

Please don't wait for disaster to strike before you and your brother to go to FL to help him. Let us know how things work out. Good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You and your family definitely have my prayers and compassion. Could either of you get paid leave from work to go visit your dad using FMLA?

Unfortunately, I doubt anything you or anyone else can say to him from afar will have a positive effect. Sadly, he’s only going to get worse. More confused. More self neglect. More frequent, more severe dangerous mistakes.

I am sorry you are in this stressful situation. I can tell how upset you are and trying to do the right thing.

A crisis will happen sooner or later and then he will have no choice.

I just read that 1 in 4 Floridians over 60 live alone.

https://www.floridatoday.com/story/life/wellness/2026/02/10/one-senior-place-are-there-resources-for-solo-seniors/88472825007/

“Solo seniors are often surprised to learn that if no one is named to act on their behalf and they become incapacitated, a court-appointed guardian will step in to make financial and healthcare decisions. The guardian is typically a stranger, and their services are paid either from the individual’s assets or, if none exist, by the state.”

It boggles my mind and makes me angry how many people refuse to address the fact that they are almost surely going to become incapacitated and unable to manage their own affairs in later life and do nothing to prepare for it — leaving their kids having to figure out what to do. Even when they DO prepare, it can be extremely stressful.

Best wishes to you.
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Reply to Suzy23
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You've seen the T-Shirts...stick man with a surfboard..
OLD GUYS RULE
us old folks want to keep the pace...yup I still say I'm 29!!
It'll be sooner than I'm ready for; my only one child will need to make these decisions solo.. nobody else here...

do not put this heart wrenching decision off anymore.. you are not going to make things more difficult for him, it's going to make things much easier for you.
In return, you and brother can be the kids he so needs.. get him placed close to you., make it easier on yourself..
JUST DO GOOD.. ya he'll bark.. they all do.. his bark is bigger than his bite..
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Reply to MAYDAY
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YOU KNOW..!!

he has a home.. assets...

LIVING TRUST, DIRECTIVE, POA, DNR, POLST, ..
if anyone says he is not in his right mind to sign legal forms, then you may be facing...

PROBATE

if he falls, bumps his head, and does not have the legal forms signed sealed and done.....
then you'll be facing other challenges.. legal challenges..
it's hard, and I'm glad i have my wishes in writing and verbalized ..
my dad started that conversation with us when he was diagnosed with cancer. He was very stubborn, but he also wanted us to know his wishes.. he opened my eyes about cremation.. what he wanted to be done...
it's good to have these conversations now when everyone is able to talk..,
It's Ok.. it's ok to be apprehensive, scared, and sad.. it is also a relief..
As you are setting up your dad's living trust, get yours too.. start looking into it..

BTW... it just helps to know.. I'm very clear with my kid.... IM MOVING IN !!🤣
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Reply to MAYDAY
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One last thing.. since it's just me and my adult child..
I have to trust, so I got A TRUST..

do it now while the notary can deem him viable to sign his signature..
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Reply to MAYDAY
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GET IT DONE.
GO SEE HIM
LISTEN TO YOUR FORUM FRIENDS
You asked, they answered.

my friend gave me a frame..

you are stronger than you think.

i look at this everyday.

prayers are with you..
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