How do I handle this situation with my wife?
My wife and I live in Florida. Her family is from Memphis Tennessee. She has a grandmother there that's very sick and she recently left on November 20 to take care of her. I've seen her one time since then, but other than that we talk daily on the phone. She has come to the realization that her grandmother who is partially in hospice they come visit her that she does not want to leave and that she is going to stay there until her grandmother passes and there's no timeframe on that. She's willing to fly back-and-forth once a month and feels that that is the best she can do at this point. Her grandmother lives with her own mother and across the street is the grandmother's other daughter. They all cannot take care of her or do not want to take care of her, so my wife not only takes care of her, but she's basically the chef the cleaner anything that they need at the house. She quit her job here to leave and they are taking care of her financial wise, but she is giving nothing in towards our financial situation. I'm finding it very difficult to continue not having a wife, but I want to be supportive of her grandmother. Any advice will help.
32 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I help my mom after the death of my dad without giving up my own life?
- How do you handle the heartbreak of having to put your loved one in memory care because you can no longer care for them at home?
- When (and how) can I say "no more" to friends and family? Am I legally responsible?
- My husband is in a skilled nursing home, which is not very good for him according to his condition.
Using aging parents' neediness to exit one's marriage is pretty common. When it gets to the point where this is happening that's when it's time to talk to a divorce lawyer because that relationship is over and usually has been for a long time.
Communication is crucial to a good marriage. Tell her how you feel. You cannot have it both ways though........being totally supportive and needing her back home.
Best of luck to you.
I finally told him he needed to make a choice between his sister or me. I was ready to ditch a 42 year marriage and move on. I saw a lawyer about it, but decided to give him that one last opportunity.
He chose me.
I don't think you are looking at an 8 year haul like I endured, so you might be able to weather it. But I don't think it was right that your wife just decided to quit her job. That is not fair.
How does your wife sound when you talk with her? Does she sound like she's lovingly caring for her grandmother, or is she frustrated because the family has dumped all their needs on her? Who owns the house in which they're living -- your mother-in-law, or your wife's grandmother? As in, they're avoiding putting the grandmother in a nursing home because they don't want to have to sell her house to pay?
If the grandmother has money, how would they react to paying your wife for the care she's providing, to make up for the income lost by quitting her job to do this?
Even after the grandmother dies , your wife may at some point do this again for an undetermined amount of time for her mother . It seems that could be sooner rather than later since she’s already the chef and cleaner of the house .
Marriage counseling may help your wife see that she’s been the chosen slave in her family .
Good Luck.
"...partially in hospice..." There is no such a thing. One is either on hospice or not, and this is necessary because of Medicare paying for hospice. Is Medicare "partially" paying for hospice? No. Maybe she is in palliative care?
Perhaps her Grandmother would qualify for LTC in a facility? Her doctor can make the assessment. Then if she meets the criteria, the family looks for a good facility that accepts Medicaid and then transitions her there. When she is a few months of running out of assets then they apply for Medicaid for her.
But maybe your wife's Mom doesn't want to lose her living situation? Or they are hoping for an inheritance? Why are they allowing your wife to take on the burden of the care? It's unsustainable on many levels.
I agree you need to have a gentle conversation with your wife that she needs to find another solution because it's time to come home. If she balks at this you may have a different problem on your hands.
Your wife is being used. Her Grandmother could live another 5-10 years.
You're in a tough position. This is obviously something that is important to her, and of course you want to be supportive. But, you do have a right to feel that this is unfairly impacting you. You and your wife need to discuss and establish some ground rules. This open-ended stay with grandma til she passes, is too undefined. What if Grandma lives another year? Two years? It sounds like the mother and aunt are taking advantage of having your wife there to take care of everybody. What will happen when one of those women takes ill and needs help? How many years is your wife prepared to stay there being everyone's maid and caretaker? This could go on indefinitely!
Your wife needs to consider all the possibilities and create a plan with a defined time frame. Her plan needs to take into consideration your wants and needs. You, as her husband should take a priority. Sure, sometimes an ill, elder family member takes priority for a limited time. But a time limit needs to be set on this! Or, at least, she needs to decide how she's going to contribute to your household financially, and to spend more time with you.
She can't just give up her job and leave you indefinitely! That is irresponsible and inconsiderate of your feelings. She can find someone to help take care of Grandma, mom and aunt, so she can return to her life. If she is unwilling to set a time frame to do this, then she has as much as left you. She may not know it yet, but she won't be returning home for a Long Time! These family members will continue to use her and make her feel obligated.
Show her the responses you are getting here.
We all know. We've all done it. We have participated in one way or another in the strain of taking care of family members. This can go on WAY longer than your wife thinks! And, as others have pointed out, is this her way of finding an excuse to leave your marriage? Does she want out?
You two need to have some tough discussions! And she needs to decide on her level of commitment to you!
OP’s wife has been groomed to be her family’s caregiver . I was also groomed .
Did too much for too long . But I came home every night to my own house .
See All Answers