Hi there, I am new to the "caregiving" thing, and for now, I'm really only doing it from afar. My father (86) passed away last month. My mom (84) lives 2.5 hours away from me, and I am the closest sibling.
Before my dad died, I was already worried about my mom, as she is showing early signs of dementia (not diagnosed with anything yet) and already had severe anxiety, but as long as she and my dad were together, I felt like they could handle most things.
My mom was never what I would consider a strong, independent person, and now that she is grieving and on her own, she is really struggling. It's still early days, but I've been traveling back to see her every weekend. When I'm not there, I speak with her on the phone every day. It is taking a big toll on me. She does well and seems relatively happy whenever I am with her, but she is so upset when I leave and is just so lost on her own. Her anxiety is rubbing off on me; I feel so stressed out all the time, especially after I speak with her on the phone. I also feel like I have not been able to properly grieve my father, because I'm so focused on her.
We have discussed hiring a service to help her out with daily tasks and companionship, but she does not feel ready to do that yet. We have also discussed having her move close to us, but she feels it is too soon to make that big of a change.
She has hinted for years that if something happened to my dad she would like to eventually move in with me and my husband. I feel very selfish, but this is not something I feel like I could ever handle. My home is not really safe for her -- lots of stairs, no bedroom on the first level, two crazy dogs underfoot -- and I personally do not feel equipped to be a full-time caregiver, especially as her dementia progresses. My husband and I are recent empty-nesters getting close to retirement and have just really started to enjoy life and traveling and getting ready to dote on an expected grandbaby in another town-- and suddenly I feel like that life is over. Like my whole life now is about taking care of my mom.
My sorrow about this makes me feel like a selfish b****h, because I love her so, so much and really do want to help her. What can I do to help that will keep me sane and won't make me end up resenting her??
Many other people in the world have been widowed. Most people don't like life after their spouse dies. Many people figure out a way to live after that most important person in their life is no longer alive. Your mom can do that, but not if you prop her up, let her think la-la-la we're like sisters and hubby and I will love having you live in our house and every day I will plan something fun for us to do together and we'll be just like an AARP article, where multigenerational living is the best of all worlds and la-la-la. Until you, that is, have a nervous breakdown and hubby runs off with the gal from the car wash because you and he have no life together anymore. It happens. Or sometimes it's the pool guy.
Tell mom lovingly but firmly that she needs to move to a continuum of care community and start living again. It can be near you so you can visit each other, but she may be too busy with her new friends to have lunch with you every week.
Now. I am looking widowhood splat in the face as I write this. My husband is in hospice care. I chose his burial clothes today. We have had a wonderful marriage; he is my hero and always will be. I will miss him terribly. But I would NOT ever impose myself on my darling children and expect them to take care of me. No parent should do that! I'm making plans for life after marriage, and it will be a good one because I will make it so. Your mom could too.
Do not move her in.
Who is paying the bills? Set that up for electronic bill pay.
Who is getting the groceries and cooking?
Short term I'd hire a once a week house cleaner (with her money). Once that is going for several weeks for short term while you are figuring things out
send caregivers 3 or 4 hours a day. You can call these ladies housecleaners also. Do this while you are figuring things out.
Start touring places for her to live in your area. (Tour without her.)
2.5 driving hour each way is way too far for a long term situation
If you take her into your house you will be very sorry. Since she has dementia she will always go downhill, never getting better. It is not selfish, you are not abandoning her. It sounds like soon she won't be safe alone, and you would feel worse if she leaves the gas on and blows up the house, or wanders outside in freezing weather or leaves the water running in the sink for several days. These things can all happen.
It will cost you a lot of money to redo your home, and even then it will not be ideal. If this was something you could do safely for her and you, I'm sure you would. But if you've never done any of this before, then you have no idea what this entails. You are retirement aged, and you will not be able to safely lift her multiple times a day, on and off toilets and potty chairs, onto furniture (all covered in pads so the urine and feces doesn't get to the furniture. On the one hand, who cares about the furniture, this is your mom, right? I agree.
But it's still not going to be safe for her, or you. Talk to her about this, emphasizing the safety aspect. The lifting and even carrying can cause permanent injuries to you. Also, who will watch her overnight? When she starts falling, and she will, all old folks fall, you will need to jump up and call for help. In a facility the help will be there already.
I took care of my mom for 6.5 years. She just died this October. My sister and my husband were the other parts of her "care team". Mom was still driving and had a part time job just before she fell outside. She had mild aphasia that you would barely notice after 2 strokes about 15 years ago. She was paying her own bills in her own home. My sister lived with her. I moved into her house and took care of her.
We had to maneuver around the house which was not set up for an elderly person as she declined further and further. I made the choice to do this but as I told her and everyone else, if there came a time that it was unsafe for me to do this for her or for myself, we would reassess the situation, and everyone knew that meant placement.
I was much younger than you when I made these decisions and was relatively strong. My husband was also strong enough to pick mom up from the floor. If he was not here, I would call the ambulance. I had POA for financial and medical as well, so that made it a lot easier to handle the many many things that needed to be done. Mom had a host of health conditions that got longer as the time went on. I do not recommend doing this if you are retirement age and are not already in a home designed for a wheelchair user, including a shower stall for a chair that can be rolled into it. You haven't mentioned if your husband is on board with this. Mine was. If he isn't, and trust me, it's a lot, then you will have marital problems as well.
Almost everyone here will tell you the same thing. Don't do it. 40% of caregivers die before their loved one. If she is placed you can be the loving visiting daughter and not the hated person who has to say no all the time.
So, step by step, what specific things does she need help with? Is it cooking? Sign her up for Meals on Wheels. It doesn't cover a whole day's worth of food, but should take care of at least one or possibly two meals. You can get her frozen meals like Healthy Choice that she can microwave. You can get her ready-made fresh meals from the deli department. You go online and order the groceries for her, if she can't handle that. Or maybe she likes to go to the grocery store by herself, as an outing?
Is it cleaning? If so, help her hire a once a week or twice a month service (at her expense). That will get her used to having someone come in but no overwhelm her.
It is getting her medications right? I've seen services advertise that they will prepackage prescriptions and label when to take them. I haven't used that but maybe someone else here has.
Does she need help with bathing and hygiene? You could start with having someone come in once a week to help, and then progress. They may have a minimum number of hours per shift, so that could get her used to the companionship angle.
Is it bill-paying? Since you have POA, you can set most or all of that up on auto-pay.
Are you in touch with any of her friends? If she's too passive to reach out to them, maybe you could ask them to reach out to her with a weekly phone call or visit or invitation. Ask the friends that you know, and ask them to then ask the other friends in her circle.
Maybe contact her doctor about a low-dose antidepressant or other medication for her anxiety.
Do not feel guilty. You are doing the best you can for her. Eventually you'll need to reduce the frequency of your visits so that you and your husband can go on your retirement travel plans and other activities. Begin gathering information from assisted living and memory care facilities so that if that becomes necessary for her safety, you've gotten a head start.
Help her find a nice hotel like Assisted Living that has a Memory Care attached. She can socialize and make friends and have a whole new life. Once she KNOWS that living with you is not an option. She will be "more ready" for change when no other options exist. Get POA for her in the meantime if you don't already have it, so you can place her IF need be once the dementia progresses and she refuses to budge. Trust me on this. I managed my parents lives in AL and then Memory Care for over 10 years, I know of where I speak. My mother was also incapable of making decisions, driving, paying bills etc. She needed managed care, especially once dad died. The widowed women flocked around her like geese and befriended her, it was great.
In the process of not allowing my parents and I to cohabitate, I saved OUR relationship and my marriage. I allowed my folks autonomy too which is nothing to sneeze at in old age. Mom lived to 95 with advanced dementia and was very well cared for by "my girls" who treated her like their grandma. The line to pay their respects when she was dying was a very long one.
Wishing you the best of luck with standing firm. My condolences on the loss of your dear dad.
By putting Mom into an Assisted Living you know she is safe. She will have 3 meals a day and snacks. She will hace socialization, activites and outings. You can see her every day, if you want, and enjoy just being her daughter, not her caregiver. You will have the freedom of traveling and enjoying that grandchild.
I have a split level with 3 sets of stairs. I took Mom in until her house sold. That would have helped pay for Assisted Living for a while. After 20 months it did not sell so I took the money she had and placed her in an AL which she acclimated to very well. I am not a Caregiver.
Its really no longer what Mom wants. There are others now involved in her care and their wants and needs are important too.
All this is to say, I urge you to not feel selfish. I was raised to expect to care for my parents (my grandparents lived with us or near us for decades as I grew up). But I see a lot of pluses for dad and for us, if we had made other arrangements! My husbands cousin is a seasoned nurse, and she eventually placed her father in an assisted living (and he never lived with her). Maybe, if you took on caregiving, your experience wouldn’t be as arduous as mine is—none of my friends who have done something like this have had nearly the stuff happen that has happened to my dad. We just didn’t know what we were getting into, and you are right to stop and assess what could be…If you find a good, clean, responsible place for mom that SHE can afford, and visit often and let staff know you are involved and watching (and set up cameras I am told, to help you do so—letting everyone know they are there), you can be her daughter rather than caretaker. There is a world of difference in the relationship once you take on all aspects of care—something else to consider. Of course, if you are a Christ-follower, pray for guidance and wisdom!
Blessings and I hope it all works out for you both with much ease.
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