OK, I am the senior in question. I am in an add on room (living/bedroom/powder room) at my daughter and son in law's house. I have no idea if it stress or aging related. Today I left the frying pan on after using it. I put my egg on a toasted muffin. My son in law came in the room and added his pop tart right as I took my muffin out. When done he left he the room. I focused on putting the toaster away immediately. My daughter constantly complains if something is left out on the counter. I said I leave the toaster out until it cools and she said she doesn't care if I put it away hot. Other times, she said she doesn't care if I let it out to cool. I know a lot of her unhappiness and anger are because her husband leaves food, dishes, etc. out constantly. In fact, he doesn't much put anything, including tools, away. Then she has issues with her son. Anyway, how do I know if I forgot due to aging versus stress. I left a burner on about 2 months ago and a faucet running once. I have been here just about a year and the constant criticisms are draining. Any suggestions? Thank you.
Honestly, all of us do things and wonder later if we in fact turned off the iron, or the water or left the hose running. I have a 37 yo daughter who is so 'frantic' in her life, she will pack up her kids and run out the door of my house and I go around and pick up a basket worth of stuff she's left behind. Every. Single. Time.
So--age isn't totally the issue here!
So you are wondering if your memory is slipping? How about making a little list that you keep in your place that lists all the things you feel you may forget? Like,
put away toaster. Turn off water. Wipe down counters. Sweep floor. A list for when you leave the house. Purse, keys, jacket, etc. There is NOTHING wrong with making lists. I can't function w/o a list for each day, helping me remember. Otherwise, I'd just be driving/wandering around everyday, wondering what it was I left the house for.
You aren't going to change your SIL, so maybe help out your daughter a little. You sound a little frustrated and that's normal. I'm sorry for you being criticized. I get that too, from my kids and DH, both. (I had cancer and chemo last year and the chemo brain has left me with a lot of deficits in my memory.) DH teases me relentlessly when I cannot remember a name of something. It's bad enough I don't remember things, but to be criticized or teased just makes it worse.
Any chance you can TALK to your daughter and express what you've said here. Tell her you feel really minimized when she criticizes you. She probably is mad at her DH but you're RIGHT THERE and quicker and easier to get to. This is totally displaced 'anger' and she'd probably feel bad if she knew you were hurt.
You sound lovely and kind. I wish you all the best as you navigate these waters!
If it makes you feel any better, 2 years ago I parked my van at the office and came out 8 hours later to find it still running. I did it twice and it freaked me out. I was 60 years old with no other memory issues except sometimes my life is frantic and I have a lot on my mind. It hasn't happened since, or anything nearly as weird.
As a daughter who lives next door to my 91-yr old mom, managing her care and having very different personalities, I think you have every right to have a calm and diplomatic but truthful discussion with her about how she engages with you and how it impacts you. Even if she owns up to it, if her behavior doesn't change going forward I think you should consider IL in a community of peers where you don't have to walk on eggshells and be a "friendly fire" casualty in your daughter's marriage and family life. She will appreciate you much more. Also, what is your plan for when you really need a lot of care? You cannot just assume your daughter will slide into the caregiver role. This is another good reason to move out sooner...so that you get to call all the shots and pick where you go. Ofter seniors wait too long until there's a crisis and others must make those decisions for them. I wish you much success in working things out with your daughter and peace in your heart if there's a need to move out and move on.
Guess who did it last week? :-)
I'm going to say stress is the primary cause, especially because you didn't do things in the normal order (dealing with the toaster instead of finishing what you were cooking). However, if you're truly concerned, do as the others say and write lists, get checked out by the doctor, and don't put more stress on your plate.
A month ago I forgot I had hot water running into the bathroom drain to melt any toothpaste before it becomes concrete and plugs the drain. Yep, I got distracted by something else. It must have been on for over a half-hour. Oh, silly me :)
To some people my sig other might seem like he is very forgetfully, but he's been that way most of his life according to his grown children.... just an absent minded professor type of guy. There are times I want to print out a large note on the door to the garage.... don't forget your glasses.... don't forget your wallet.... yes, you need to wear a jacket.... make sure your zipper is up... etc.
See if you can find any humor in what is going on in the household. When your daughter complains about her hubby not putting away things, give her suggestions. Maybe he inherited that trait from his own Dad, or maybe his own Mom had spoiled him by following him around the house picking up after him.
If I need to remember to take something along with me, it put it by my shoes. This works well.
If and when I need a supportive setting, I WANT it to be in an Assisted Living. I’ve TOLD them all that. If my very dear husband is failing when I am, I’ll hope that both of us are able to go.
If you’re able to pull together the funds to do it, LEAVE. You’re entitled to pleasant criticism free surroundings. If you can’t do that financially, figure out what you need to set yourself up with a kitchenette (small microwave oven, one cooking burner, mini refrigerator, toaster) and set YOUR cleanup rules and times for yourself.
If you and your “host and hostess” can find a truce that can function among 3 ADULTS, feel free to do that. Just make your decisions based on your desire to live a comfortable self managed life. You’re worth it!
Yet in the back of my mind, I wonder if I move out if that would make my daughter feel worse about herself. Augh.
If I were you I would start looking for...
Assisted or Independent Living facility (whatever one would suit you better)
or
Look for Senior Housing in an apartment or condo complex if not a small house whatever is more affordable for you and would fit your lifestyle.
This will open up dialogue.
If possible you may be happier in an independent living arrangement. Or if you’re able a small place of your own.
I know of a friend who went to stay with her daughter-in-law and son during the virus outbreak. My friend said that many days the DIL would find things to do to be gone all day. My friend told me she would rather go home, risk getting covid than to be unwanted in another woman’s house.
Hope you get some answers and make some decisions.
Consider adding a table in your room and having your own toaster, microwave and a small refrigerator put in your room.
All families have good and bad days. I'm sure her husband isn't doing anything new and probably has always not picked up after himself.
And you being a mom knows that kids can be trying at times.
It's hard enough to deal with family and having another person around can make things a little more edgy as even tho your her mom, it's still her having Company 24 7.
If things get too stressful, you can always see about moving into a Senior place.
If you have the energy, you might ask her to make a list of things you could help her with to ease her work.
And by all means, Don't talk bad about her husband or your Grand kid. Only he is allowed to do it.
Is there any place you could go for a weekend once in a while so both you and the family can have some Alone Time?
Prayers
I understand having company 24/7 or even shorter is difficult. I stay in my area mostly until I need the kitchen or the shower. I make my own meals and clean up after myself. My thoughts are to behave as closely as I can as if I was still living alone.
Thank you.
I am concerned about your living arrangements. Seems you are the "cat that gets kicked." You may have heard the story about the man frustrated at work who yells at his wife, the wife yells at their child, and the child kicks the cat. Each person is taking out his or her stress on another. AND, that is not healthy. Since there is constant criticism, consider if living in this situation is worthwhile in the long run. I have a few suggestions to consider:
1 - Talk to your daughter about your concerns. Let her know that you do not want to be a source of stress to her. Let her know that you feel stressed and would like to work with her to lessen the pressure.
2 - Tell your doctor that you are under stress in your living situation. Ask for a referral to a counsellor for individual and family counselling. Make sure that your daughter participates with you.
3 - Sometimes, "cabin fever" is to blame for increased stress and tension in relationships. Find ways to make your "apartment life" a little more independent from the rest of the family's life. Develop friendships and activities that do not require your family's input. When able, try to get outside for fresh air and sunshine and activities away from home. Encourage the rest of the family to do something similar - within CDC guidelines for COVID in your area.
3 - If #1, #2, and #3 do not work, consider if it is time to make other living arrangements. Start researching assisted living, senior apartments, and/or full time residences. When you have found places that you can afford, talk to your family about moving and help in making these plans a reality.
Stress exacerbates memory issues, so it might be a bit of both. I would ask your daughter for a chat at a time that suits her - tell her how you are feeling. Often people surprise us. It might also help her re focus and take her mind off her own frustrations a little.
Stress can definitely have the same effect, from my own experience. I get distracted and forget to do things.
If we can re-create what we were doing and can recall why we went to another room or where we left our keys, we are likely still "normal.".
If your behaviors seem vastly inconsistent with your own pattern, or if you find your keys and do not know what keys are used for, you might be a little more concerned.
Try to stay focused on one task at a time. We get better and better at "monotasking" with age.
see or hear that and can only imagine how annoying that would be to those who could hear it. Thanks though.
just another perspective... Your daughter in law sounds stressed. I would not take it personally. I have 3 men in my house who never ever put anything away. It feels like half my day is spent picking up behind them 😂. I have just learned to live with it at this point.
If you want to live there, and are able, maybe you could ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Or just do things that you see that would help her. Working together may make you all feel more like family, and less like a full time guest.
im 80. My husband is 73. We both have long term insurance that i try not to freak out over either being closed down or i cant afford it any longer. So im looking for a job next month hoping the weather gets better with no problems driving to work.
he will not go to any facility as long as there is any way he can possibly live ... good or bad ... on his own ... so ???
im ready to go have my room cleaned and my food fixed and my laundry done as soon as i can no longer do it and enjoy that as long as im aware.
the only thing we agree on is making our own decisions.
and thats what im getting at ... patient rights ... making our own decisions as long as we’re mentally capable and people who are not judging us when we have difficulty.
i hope conditions are good and we ? are given good care and dont have to worry about your concerns ... no worrying about someone looking at us suspiciously or asking permission or feeling that are just being there is a burden.
i am so sorry about your situation and wish i had a better suggestion.
Do you have any friends in the area? If so, maybe two or three of you could agree to share an apartment, split the costs, and become "Golden Girls." Living in a small community like that would give you companionship and each of you could look after the others.
is there an office on aging or a senior help group in your city or a nearby city that could direct you someplace for help and suggestions ?
i have absolutely no idea about whats needed for medicaid or if it even could assist you but ???
Make it a practice to go back to the kitchen to see what you may have left out. You might also round up the things you take out and keep in one section of the counter. Fix your plate, then put it all away before others come in behind you using the same things. Clearly, the other two guys expect to use the things and then think you'll take care of putting it all away. As you leave kitchen to eat, all your things are back in their place. If they come out later on, the slobs left it.
I do have to ask, did you use your own money to build the add on room to the house? If you did, talk w/daughter privately and let her know the the things you've been doing and her slobs are creating the mess that she sees when she enters the room. You paid to help add on the room and may need to be reimbursed so you can move on if she's not happy with you being there. If you didn't pay anything to add on the room - check to see if there are any government apartments nearby, based on income, that you could move to.
So, one comment stood out in a response:
"I do other things I see needing doing after asking her is that is ok. Her dining rooms table base and chairs were full of dust (from the work on my area). I sat on the floor and cleaned the chairs (have osteoporosis, hip and spine issues do don't bend)."
So, I personally get drove nuts by a toaster on the counter. I cant deal with it. I also believe that people who make a bed are totally insane. So, the base of a table? You see that it needs to be done....did she feel the same or was she humoring you for making her feel inadequate? Maybe you could not point out what you feel needs to be done and just do it.
As to aging, I am 66 and have left the gas burners on so often that I put a dab of red nail polish on the off side of the knob so I can check at a glance they are all off!
Have you checked out apartments for low-income Seniors? Your rent is based on income and the balance is a government subsidized.
And last, you can’t change your daughter's actions, you can only change your reaction to her. Sounds like she is taking out her stress on you, you can either stand up and confront her or let her continue to bully you.
Put the toaster away hot, no, leave it out and let it cool off first.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Your daughter doesn't even want to chat.
My mother's mother lived in our home, much to my mother's chagrin. Grandma always asked her why she was so mad. "I'm not MAD. Only DOGS get mad," was my mother's continual response. Oh yes, she was full of pure rage all the time, that's for sure. She was resentful about having her mother living in her house, just wouldn't admit it. We all suffered as a result of mother "not being mad."
You sold your house to help your son, are now living with your daughter and can't afford your own place or to help her fix up HER place. Yeah, she's pissed off and resentful. You are likely feeling that and not "cognitive impairment".
If I were you, I'd ask my son to give me the money back that you loaned him by mistakenly selling your house and leaving yourself without funds. Then find your own place to live where you can leave the toaster on the counter 24/7 if you like. If you are STILL leaving the stove on or the faucet running after a few months of stress free life, then go to your doctor for a chat.
I could be totally wrong about all of this, and if so, I apologize. I just recognize so many similarities between what you're going thru and what I saw my mother and grandmother going thru, that I'm sharing my thoughts. I wish my gram had gotten OUT of mom's house 20 years before she did, for ALL of our sakes.
Good luck and Godspeed my friend.
Or just the fact that your daughter doesn't want to have you living with her. Not that she doesn't love you, it's living with you 24/7 that she doesn't like. Too much togetherness will drive anyone crazy. I know your daughter loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have you live with her.
I like my MIL a lot, she's a very nice person, very generous and caring, but she and I won't like having another woman (any woman) sharing the same house. Maybe that's how your daughter is.
Perhaps, you should ask her directly and calmly if she doesn't like having her mother living in the same house. Ask her to be honest.
Depending on her answer, then we can give suggestions on what you should do next.
p.s. I don't think it's aging. It's the stress of walking on eggshells day after day that causes forgetfulness, and probably high blood pressure, and eventually a host of other illnesses, too.
You don’t sound like a forgetful person to me but perhaps one day you will be. You are human.
It sounds like your daughter could use an extra hug. That could be a flower, a bottle of lotion. a favorite magazine. Perhaps place a photo of her that makes you smile where you can see it often. She truly may not realize how hurtful she’s being. But that doesn’t mean it’s not painful for you. I’m sorry.
The Area Agency on Aging in your county can tell you about services that are available to you. When things get better, you might like going there for lunch or to play games. Take SIL with you if you find the food tasty. Daughter will like that you got him out from underfoot. AAA are different in every area. Some nicer than others. Look for a place where you can walk. If there is a local library or perhaps a book store, you might find kindred spirits around. Also the neighborhood app for your phone is a good way to know what is going on in your area.
Your family is going through a big adjustment. Your Sundays sound nice.
A year of Covid stressors and isolation...
I would be worried if you did not have any issues at this point.
Look at what your daughter's symptoms are...she doesn't even know how angry she is coming across to others.
There is a cute sign above my kitchen sink:
"BED & BREAKFAST
You make both."
This year, I learned that people are not going to do things my way, and often will not do anything at all. But I shouldn't be criticizing them for it. Your daughter needs to lighten up, and understand that people do not exist to serve her, or do things her way.
I know the discomfort of living in someone else's home, using their kitchen for a time. There are homes that the toaster is left out all the time!
Make yourself scarce. Keep a small refrigerator in your room, eat cold if you must, and adjust your time in her kitchen to in between times when they are not having breakfast. Maybe there is a safety toaster that you could have in your room? I think there is an electric egg cooker that goes off automatically. Then take your dishes into the house later. Just some ideas to change things up a bit.
Be sure to get out of the house and your in-law suite daily, a 10 minute walk is great.
Picture this: Her husband is eating a Pop Tart for breakfast.
"BED & BREAKFAST
You make both."
PERFECT!!!
maybe your daughter is just the "parrot " of her hubby.. he is the one having issues.... perhaps. 'Parrot'
If you are thinking about moving out, trying finding a senior independent living with extended care options..
these factors came in real handy with a friend. moved the parents into a spot 10 minutes away. since she retired, sneior health issues are coming up, and doctor appoinments are loading up... She is glad they are only 10 minutes away instead of 30 minutes away.
Plus, she brings them to her home for fun things, dinner, baking, etc... happy hour... it's better now...
I