She has no friends. She has relied on me since I was a child. She did not pay attention or help when my dad started showing signs of dementia and then made it all about her when he passed away last year. It was awful. I’m the only one left and I can’t deal with her mentally abusive behavior but feel guilty about wanting to leave her in her own. Her behavior is affecting my work life, and my family. I still have a 14 year old at home.
I got to spend some time with him during the last few months of his life. A month before he died while he was still lucid, he told me that he was living in a house full of nuts. As far as I know, stepmother and her oldest daughter are still living in the family home. He willed the house to them probably more out of obligation than anything else.
I miss my parents I grew up with before the extreme alcoholism took over my mother from being trapped in a bad marriage. It changed her from the sweet woman I knew into a raging lunatic at times. My dad took up with this new woman while I still in high school. After mom died, he shut me out completely. His behavior changed towards me drastically.
It's more to this story. However, trust and believe, I know how hard it is to navigate a relationship with a narcissistic parent while dealing with their smear campaigns.
The relationship with my father never truly healed.
Best of luck to you.
If you have the time and can afford to go to a therapist, then I recommend it to help you process your feelings about limiting contact with a toxic person. I can tell you from what I have learned, is that the guilt you are feeling is likely the result of a lifetime of grooming by the narcissistic parent. That is why their tactics are successful for them - until you break away. And that will cause her to go ballistic, when she no longer has control over you, so be prepared, and block her phone calls if you need to. Be prepared for her to say horrible things about you to any friends or family that will listen. You can't let that deter you from protecting yourself from this toxic person.
You have no reason to feel guilt. She is a grown woman who can manage her own life. You are not the parent, nor do you owe her your attention so that she can abuse you. Take care of your 14 year old. And yourself.
It's about setting and keeping much needed boundaries, so we can thrive without being sucked back into an abusive relationship which is what you have with your mother.
She's not going to change so it MUST be you that makes the necessary changes for not only you but for your precious child as well.
After you let her know that you'll be stepping away from her you can give her the necessary numbers if you so choose for her to order her groceries, have her medications delivered, and for Uber or Lyft if she needs to go to the doctor.
And you can then call Adult Protective Services and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves who may need help and they will come out and do an assessment and if need be take over her care. Make sure that they understand that because of her abuse and narcissism that you have opted out of any further care and contact and then stick to it. Even block her phone number if you have to. You can do this, and for your mental health's sake you need to do this, as you deserve so much better than the abuse and grooming that your mother has used against you.
Be strong! You got this!
It's very unlikely at her age she will change her ways, how she treats you, or try to improve your relationship. You get to change the relationship by choosing how you respond. Please read up on gaslighting and parentification. It sounds to me that you have had a lot of this in your life from your mother, as I've had from mine.
I find a plain and direct approach when dealing with a needy, guilt-tripping, gaslighting parent is best. You tell her plainly that you will not tolerate her abusive behavior anymore. Let her know that you don't mind helping her out, but any help you give her will be on your terms not hers. Also, you have a right to expect and demand respectful behavior. When you are with her or on the phone and she starts up any kind of abusive language be it snideness, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, any kind... Tell her you will not argue with her then end the visit or phone call. Do this every time. If she complains, do the same.
Do not move her into your home or move into hers. Offer to help set up homecare (which she pays for) so she can remain in her home, or look for an assisted living. These are the choices you offer her. If she doesn't accept, let her fend for herself.
Try to understand that you are not the reason why she has no friends. Or that her husband died. Or that she's been dependent on others her whole life. That's not on you and you're not responsible for her or her life choices. She IS. People like your mother refuse to accept any responsibility for the choices they made in their lives. At 82 years old, she's been an adult for a long time and has made her own choices in life. Her choosing to be dependent on you your whole life does not mean that you have to choose this.
If she can't sit down with you and accept that you will not be a servant at her beck and call 24/7 to meet her every need and demand, she will either have to fend for herself without you at home or she will have to go into some kind of managed care facility and that's it. You have your own family, home, job, and life to be responsible for. Good luck.
If she is still able to live on her own, just go low contact. If she cannot live on her own hopefully she has money put away so that if she needs help she can pay for caregivers or assisted living.
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