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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I managed to find a private home assisted living home for my mother. There are only 4 residents each with there own bedroom. We were allowed to bring whatever we wanted for the room. Since it is an "age in place" home mom will be there until the Lord calls her home. Since my mother has dementia but does know who her doctor is we tell her that this is where Dr G wants get to live because of the stairs in her house. For the most part she accepts this now. Not at first though. Mom is on a medication that helps her from working herself up when she does want to go home. I do not know if she will ever totally accept being there but she is losing more and more memories of her life so she may forget all of her past, I dont know.....
I would just like to share that I am not a fan of the term "nursing home". I know we all use that term, and in reality, these new facilities are modern and can actually be called senior communities with lots of activities and places to make new friends. Of course, it depends on the amount of needs we are all approaching. But, many times the term nursing for many of these facilities is not appropriate in my humble opinion. Just a thought.
Sandwich, I feel the same way. With Dementia Mom will get to the point she can do nothing for herself. She may not even know me. My daughter has said that when that point comes and before I won't be able to care for her. I agree that my duty is to make sure Mom is safe, fed and clean. If that means a NH eventually, I can keep check regularly.
All of these suggestions have been very helpful. I am facing the same delima with my own mother. She is only 78yrs. old but in the moderate to severe stages of Alzheimers. When she was younger she always begged us not to EVER put her in a nursing home, so this has been the most difficult decision of my life. I do not know if your mother has any memory issues but it has made this decision easier to make. I know some have suggested that you not tell your mother that it is only temporary, but this seems to be a good approach for my mother, as she simply cannot handle any big upsets in her routine. I also am letting her pick the things she wants to have with her. It is so strange the things she wants and what makes her feel secure, but it makes her feel that she is an active part of this decision and not something that is being thrown at her. I am also very careful not to call it a NH. We are calling it an assisted living and care unit. Treat it like she is going away to summer camp. My mom has many happy memories of both when she and when us kids went away to camp and we can talk about the anxieties and things we all felt. This helps to ease the fear and helps her to realize we all understand how scary this can be. My prayers go out to you. Hang in there and I agree, DO NOT FEEL QUILTY. It is a wasted emotion that will only cause you unnecessary anquish. Easier said than done I realize, as I am still struggling with the guilt myself, but talking about it and reasoning with others helps me to reason with myself. This is a wonderful website and a life saver for me. I hope all of the suggestions do the same for you.
I've been talking to dad about a move to assisted living for several months now. Last week they called to say they had an apartment available for him. We did the application paperwork on the weekend, delivered it in person together on Monday. I've talked all week about getting everything in place for a move on Friday. This evening I told him the doctor submitted her form today, we are all set to move you tomorrow. He looked and acted like he'd never heard of the idea! Not sure what we'll have tomorrow, but he IS moving. He has a date with their staff PT, which will hopefully keep him busy while we set up his stuff.
sandwich42plus--I so appreciate everything you said. Well put! And to quote others, not ALL nursing homes smell. There are some good choices out there that accept Medicaid. christine1970, I don't envy the task in front of you. I myself have one just around the corner. If it takes therapy, don't feel guilty about the choices you make if they are in the best interest of your Mom. Good luck.
I've been involved in a 15 year ordeal with my mother as she hid her dementia and made one horrific decision after another in her life.
All but two people in the family were dead square against me moving mom out, but they were nowhere to be seen to help her stay. I crossed their opinions off the list of things to pay attention to. Help with tasks, errands, and bills, or kindly "halt dein maul!" (stop your mouth). These critical people couldn't even show up in the days before her move to say goodbye. All their claims of closeness were total horse manure.
On my end, I found a continuum care campus. It had senior apartments to end of life care and everything in between. I am so incredibly lucky to have a facility like that a mile away from me. And they take Medicaid.
Mom started in the independent apartment unit and has graduated to different units as her care needs increased. Because of the way the buildings are built & connect to each other, I can see the unit where her first apartment was from her current hospice room now.
This place is not high end, but it looks like a 2 or 3 star hotel inside. It is the nicest place she's ever lived. She is getting the best mental and medical care she's ever had in her life. The food was definitely a world better than what she had been feeding herself on her own. The burden is not 100% on my shoulders. I have other burdens that did not evaporate when mom needed care. I still have to hold up my obligations in life.
The people "against" residential care options were the same people preaching at me when I had babies, that if I put them in daycare my kids would turn into criminals and be damaged human beings somehow. Preaching that I had to quit my job and abandon everything in the name of staying home and doing it all myself. Let's just say I've never put a lot of stock in martyrs, so I did the best I could and everything has turned out fine even though the kids were in daycare. Nobody is a criminal.
We have options and choices, and a lot of people just aren't aware of what their options are. They make a lot of assumptions based on old information, or based in ignorance & fear. You really have to get out there and take tours to find a place you can feel good about. Just like finding a daycare for your kids you can trust and feel good about.
Educate yourself on your loved one's disease so you can understand what you see in the care facilities. If you don't understand dementia, you will not interpret that screaming old lady correctly. She isn't being tortured - her brain is unwell and she can't control it anymore. That man slapping & clawing at the care worker isn't defending himself from an attacker. He can't understand it's time to check his blood sugar or wipe his nose.
Overriding what your parent is verbalizing, and doing differently to preserve their safety and well being feels wrong, and we do nothing to prepare ourselves for that day. It's a real disservice that the "soon to be old" and "soon to be caretakers" are not prepared in advance for the change in family dynamics, finances, decisions, and legal aspects. Ignoring it doesn't delay any of it.
After a particularly bad fall it was clear that my mother needed 24/7 care. She spent a month in hospital and was transferred to a lovely NH by ambulance. She has screamed, ranted, raved and plotted her escape for over two and a half years, would not associate with other residents or join in any activities, just hid in her room. It's been two years and nine months now and the past two or three weeks she has deteriorated to the point that she's unable to speak and sleeps almost all of the time.
Ashlynne - I would request a care conference with the doctor and talk to him about this. It could be treatable depression and anxiety. What you describe sounds like pretty typical symptoms.
As our parents age, it seems like they can turn into somebody we don't know at all. An awful lot of people on this site have same/similar stories to tell.
When my mom was doing things like that, I told her she had to sit tight and stay put until the doctor said she was well enough to go home. I knew that was not ever going to happen, but she didn't. It calmed her down to think it was temporary and that somebody had taken her side. This stage was helped enormously with medication.
Thank you, grieflistener! You confirmed our decision. We were definitely going to tell my Mom it would be permanent, but couldn't decide to tell her just before the move, or many days in advance. My husband said, if it was him, he would not want to be hit with it, then whisked out the door the next day. We decided to tell her, give her the time to be upset, then become resigned to it, then hopefully she will become curious about it. All the while, we will stress how nice it is, how happy all the other people are, and how many friends she will make. The truth is, if I thought she would not be happier there, I wouldn't move her.
Just got home from moving dad into AL. He's still the drama king, and when I left was holding court with two staff members over his medications. He is most unhappy that the doctor marked the form instructing them to manage meds for him, but was entertaining assurances that he could page them any time if he felt he needed to take something "right now". Watching the staff with him, I knew without doubt that we had made the right choice.
At the suggestion of a social worker, we set him up for his initial session with the staff PT today, which kept him busy for an hour--long enough for me and SO to get his apartment mostly set up. She was right--it made things much easier than it would have been with him "supervising".
SO and I stopped to eat on the way home, and both just sat in the restaurant taking deep breaths, letting go of the stress that we've held for the last many months.
I an looking forward to that first deep breath, feelinglost. We will move my mom in 3 days. I feel like I haven't been able to breathe in months either.
I remember when Mom went to a nursing home. Her doctor initiated the conversation by speaking of his concerns for her safety and well being. Mom and I continued to talk about it. I went to several homes in our area. I picked out 3 that I thought were mostly suitable. I told her that I had 3 nursing homes for us to visit. I said to her that she could choose the one she liked the best. She did.it's very helpful if you can involve a loved one in the decision.
Let me add on to what Oldfriend2me has said. It's really easy to infantilize an adult with degenerative brain disease. You don't even know you're doing it! Other people will do it to, by only talking to you, or using a very slow baby voice with the person.
Carefully assessing what your loved one is still capable of handling on a daily basis. This will inform what choices you can still offer, or how to go about getting decisions made and action taken. On a good day, they might be able to make decisions that are a little harder than on a bad day, where they can't handle any.
You really have to know the person very well and be willing to make mistakes, but also be willing to learn from them. Trust me, I did it the hard way with my mom and it added years to the process that are now lost years. Who knows what things would be like now if I had been more assertive earlier. We'll never know.
If you've shown mom all 3 possible locations and she doesn't like anything, that can't stop you or delay a decision. You're going to have to pick a place, and see if you can offer her a choice of room. If not that, maybe you can let her decide where things go in her room. Or what drawer pajamas will be in. And don't expect her to remember any of it!
You may have had to decide what can go and what can't, but always try to find at least one thing the elder person can have some control over. And make sure there are no bad choices in the bunch! :-D
Expect to take a lot of blame when they can't find something anymore. Just apologize and tune it out as much as you can. I would just say "Mom, we're all doing our best here. I'm sorry it's not perfect."
My mom would have tried to shoehorn every single cotton-picking thing from her 4 bedroom house into a one bedroom apartment. I had to intervene and make choices. When she wanted to know where the XYZ vase was, I would tell her it was in storage. "Not everything can fit in here mom! No, I'm not going to go by the storage unit today. Maybe another day."
Barbara, I hope you get your deep breath. It was sooooo much easier to deal with dad today--major doctor visit and a trip to Target--knowing that at the end I would be leaving him with the kind ladies at AL and going home to my own space.
Dad and I also visited 3 places before choosing his AL. It was actually a very easy choice--this one was clearly superior in facilities and services, plus it's the closest to my house by many miles. He strongly preferred one floorplan of their apartments to the others, so SO and I gritted our teeth and let him stay here until one of that model came open.
Time will tell if he's able and/or willing to make the best of this, but it was the right choice either way.
Does her doctor have her respect and trust? How persuasive and firm is he able to be?
One would have sworn that mom's neurologist had gone through some clinical training as smooth, calm and firm he could be with my mom.
If he or she is, it might be best to hear if from her doctor first for they have to write the order for her to go to the nursing home in the first place. That way she can freak out to him without you having to play the bad guy.
I would tell her, "Hey, let's get out of the house and go for a ride!" Drive around for a while, talking cheerfully about anything BUT... When you get to the nursing home, you might say, "Let's go in and look around." Go to the office and ask if they'll give you a tour. Take her to the dining room first, then activities area. And so on. Take her back home, and talk about it for a few days.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
All but two people in the family were dead square against me moving mom out, but they were nowhere to be seen to help her stay. I crossed their opinions off the list of things to pay attention to. Help with tasks, errands, and bills, or kindly "halt dein maul!" (stop your mouth). These critical people couldn't even show up in the days before her move to say goodbye. All their claims of closeness were total horse manure.
On my end, I found a continuum care campus. It had senior apartments to end of life care and everything in between. I am so incredibly lucky to have a facility like that a mile away from me. And they take Medicaid.
Mom started in the independent apartment unit and has graduated to different units as her care needs increased. Because of the way the buildings are built & connect to each other, I can see the unit where her first apartment was from her current hospice room now.
This place is not high end, but it looks like a 2 or 3 star hotel inside. It is the nicest place she's ever lived. She is getting the best mental and medical care she's ever had in her life. The food was definitely a world better than what she had been feeding herself on her own. The burden is not 100% on my shoulders. I have other burdens that did not evaporate when mom needed care. I still have to hold up my obligations in life.
The people "against" residential care options were the same people preaching at me when I had babies, that if I put them in daycare my kids would turn into criminals and be damaged human beings somehow. Preaching that I had to quit my job and abandon everything in the name of staying home and doing it all myself. Let's just say I've never put a lot of stock in martyrs, so I did the best I could and everything has turned out fine even though the kids were in daycare. Nobody is a criminal.
We have options and choices, and a lot of people just aren't aware of what their options are. They make a lot of assumptions based on old information, or based in ignorance & fear. You really have to get out there and take tours to find a place you can feel good about. Just like finding a daycare for your kids you can trust and feel good about.
Educate yourself on your loved one's disease so you can understand what you see in the care facilities. If you don't understand dementia, you will not interpret that screaming old lady correctly. She isn't being tortured - her brain is unwell and she can't control it anymore. That man slapping & clawing at the care worker isn't defending himself from an attacker. He can't understand it's time to check his blood sugar or wipe his nose.
Overriding what your parent is verbalizing, and doing differently to preserve their safety and well being feels wrong, and we do nothing to prepare ourselves for that day. It's a real disservice that the "soon to be old" and "soon to be caretakers" are not prepared in advance for the change in family dynamics, finances, decisions, and legal aspects. Ignoring it doesn't delay any of it.
As our parents age, it seems like they can turn into somebody we don't know at all. An awful lot of people on this site have same/similar stories to tell.
When my mom was doing things like that, I told her she had to sit tight and stay put until the doctor said she was well enough to go home. I knew that was not ever going to happen, but she didn't. It calmed her down to think it was temporary and that somebody had taken her side. This stage was helped enormously with medication.
At the suggestion of a social worker, we set him up for his initial session with the staff PT today, which kept him busy for an hour--long enough for me and SO to get his apartment mostly set up. She was right--it made things much easier than it would have been with him "supervising".
SO and I stopped to eat on the way home, and both just sat in the restaurant taking deep breaths, letting go of the stress that we've held for the last many months.
Her doctor initiated the conversation by speaking of his concerns for her safety and well being. Mom and I continued to talk about it. I went to several homes in our area. I picked out 3 that I thought were mostly suitable. I told her that I had 3 nursing homes for us to visit. I said to her that she could choose the one she liked the best. She did.it's very helpful if you can involve a loved one in the
decision.
Other people will do it to, by only talking to you, or using a very slow baby voice with the person.
Carefully assessing what your loved one is still capable of handling on a daily basis. This will inform what choices you can still offer, or how to go about getting decisions made and action taken. On a good day, they might be able to make decisions that are a little harder than on a bad day, where they can't handle any.
You really have to know the person very well and be willing to make mistakes, but also be willing to learn from them. Trust me, I did it the hard way with my mom and it added years to the process that are now lost years. Who knows what things would be like now if I had been more assertive earlier. We'll never know.
If you've shown mom all 3 possible locations and she doesn't like anything, that can't stop you or delay a decision. You're going to have to pick a place, and see if you can offer her a choice of room. If not that, maybe you can let her decide where things go in her room. Or what drawer pajamas will be in. And don't expect her to remember any of it!
You may have had to decide what can go and what can't, but always try to find at least one thing the elder person can have some control over. And make sure there are no bad choices in the bunch! :-D
Expect to take a lot of blame when they can't find something anymore. Just apologize and tune it out as much as you can. I would just say "Mom, we're all doing our best here. I'm sorry it's not perfect."
My mom would have tried to shoehorn every single cotton-picking thing from her 4 bedroom house into a one bedroom apartment. I had to intervene and make choices. When she wanted to know where the XYZ vase was, I would tell her it was in storage. "Not everything can fit in here mom! No, I'm not going to go by the storage unit today. Maybe another day."
Dad and I also visited 3 places before choosing his AL. It was actually a very easy choice--this one was clearly superior in facilities and services, plus it's the closest to my house by many miles. He strongly preferred one floorplan of their apartments to the others, so SO and I gritted our teeth and let him stay here until one of that model came open.
Time will tell if he's able and/or willing to make the best of this, but it was the right choice either way.
One would have sworn that mom's neurologist had gone through some clinical training as smooth, calm and firm he could be with my mom.
If he or she is, it might be best to hear if from her doctor first for they have to write the order for her to go to the nursing home in the first place. That way she can freak out to him without you having to play the bad guy.