I helped my mom move to an assisted living facility near me last year, several states away from her home. She had been declining physically and mentally and was struggling to live alone, far from family. A fall that greatly reduced her mobility triggered the move. She can no longer bathe independently and does not have the strength or balance to do things like fix a meal or do laundry. She is very high risk for falls. I work full time, have young children, and my house is not accessible. Our options were to try to move to a larger, more accessible house and move her in with us and set up in-home care or find an assisted living facility for her. We talked through the options and Mom agreed assisted living was the best option. She had received in-home care after her other falls and it didn’t feel sufficient after her last fall to manage her new limitations. She’s also very social and would be lonely while we were at work all day.After a year, while it’s not perfect, I can say she is receiving fantastic care in assisted living. The staff is wonderful and caring. Overall it’s been very positive and while I know she wishes she was back in her old community, she does feel safe and the stress she was living with before is wayyyy down. It’s making the best of the hands we were dealt.As you can imagine, getting to this place of stability and safety has been an absolute marathon for me, from emergency caregiving, paperwork, selling properties, setting up insurance, transferring medical records, etc. But I find there is such a stigma associated with moving your parent to a care facility and no support or recognition that it can be the most caring option. When I do talk about our situation I find people assume I gave up caring for her when in fact between visits and taking her to appointments I spend quite a lot of time and energy on Mom. People often say oh she should try independent living instead (she’s way past that) as if it’s still up in the air. I hear, “I could never do that” or “my mom would hate that.” Extended family came to visit recently and I thought finally I would receive some support from people who really know what mom has been through and how difficult the past few years have been. Instead I heard “does she really have to live there?? Isn’t there somewhere else she could go?” because it’s just “too depressing” for her to be there mixed in with mild dementia patients that can be disruptive and struggle to carry on a conversation. I do reassure myself that mom is safe and well-cared for and I know I’m doing right by her. The tragedy is not that she lives there, it’s that her health nosedived and she needs to be there. Most people have never been through this and have no idea how difficult it is so it’s mostly ignorance but it feels like judgement.I’m just wondering how you all who have been through this find support.
In my case, I was 15 when my Dad died, the Monday after the funeral, my alcoholic Mother took me to the bank, put me on the account, handed me her car keys and told me "Deal with it." She decided Dad was gone and she was DONE. I got stuck paying bills, grocery shopping, cooking, doing dishes and housekeeping while my older brother and younger sister did nothing, while Mom was passed out. By age 18, I was gone and never looked back!
I got to have 3 years of retirement, before I stepped in to help my Ex, who had no other family left, evicted from his own condo by his HOA. They were going to sell his condo and take his equity until I jumped in. We had become friends after the divorce, but with his mild cognitive issues, he became an entirely different person. He was disrespectful, lazy, dirty, has regular tantrums, or sits all day and watches TV, while I'm running around cleaning and doing everything else! I only expected him to be here 6 months, and it's approaching 3 years.
I hear the opposite judgements...What a great person I am, for saving a homeless combat veteran. I wish I wasn't such a great person and had my life back. I am trying to get better myself after falling off a cliff in Maui a year ago. Nothing like a Near Death Experience as a wakeup call.
I don't get any support, especially from the useless VA. I cut my 2 toxic siblings off 20 years ago, for their judgemental BS. I set up a Trust, so nobody will EVER have to caregive me. No way in hell will I allow myself to be a burden to anyone.
Most people are clueless and will never get it, until it happens to THEM. Don't worry because you have a heart. Be glad you aren't one of them.
Don't waste one more minute caring about what they think as they certainly don't deserve any space in your brain.
Unless someone has walked in your shoes they have absolutely NO right to say anything. Period. End of sentence.
You have done a great job with your mom and are continuing to do a great job, so just tune out the few ignorant folks that may feel you want to hear their opinion.
Or better yet, next time someone says something, tell them that they are more than welcome to take your mom into their home to care for her. I bet that will shut them up in a hurry!
To be honest, that's good as it gets.
As to the judgement of others? Puh-leez. Judgement is cheap. And who cares.
You are correct. Mom is well cared for. And as to anyone who dares to speak judgement to your face tell them where to go, or shrug your shoulders and tell them you never met anyone so rude. Your choice. Or just move silently away from them.
You've done an absolutely marvellous job getting everything set up for your mom. Well done!!
Seems like the comments you're getting are from people projecting the worries they have about ageing themselves. It's rude and offensive but they don't understand how these comments affect you. They're just blurting out their own fears for themselves. Think of goats bleating whenever you hear that bullcrap from others. Maybe you will even laugh out loud.
Try to limit your interaction with these folks for awhile and work on your own equilibrium. Don't let them rock your boat. Get more well deserved rest and do things that make you happy - forget about those swine. ;-)
Ignore the armchair critics or ask them when THEY are stepping up to care for your mom? You'll never hear another comment again, trust me! 🤣
We moved to a single level, no stairs, no obstacles, close to everything we need manufactured home 14 years ago. That was a wise move, as we both have some mobility limitations now. My husband no longer drives at all, and I self-limit my driving (e.g., no freeways, unfamiliar areas or night driving). We have a hired housecleaner every other week as well as seasonal yard help and maintenance assistance. We manage our own finances and pay our own bills.
Our youngest son (62) and his wife help us, especially with technology and heavy trash cans, but so far we have not needed to call on them often. We are careful not to ask for help unless it's absolutely necessary. When we do, we emphasize that it's on their schedule and convenience (the rare emergency excepted).
O.K., what's the catch? Excess longevity! Neither of us ever anticipated living as long as we have. But here we are! We will continue to do our best to remain as independent as possible. That said, we will try to accept with a measure of grace the need to move into AL or MC if/when we can no longer manage. Personally, however, I hope to make my Final Exit before that becomes necessary. And before we run out of money!!! Yes, many elders probably are concerned about what will become of them--in an old-old age they could not have fully anticipated or prepared for--with good reason. All we can do is the best we can.
I never bought up my LO's in AL so it was not on the table for discussion. My family could care less as long as they did not have to do anything.
What others think about me is not my business.