Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Perhaps you don't tell him. The usual answer is 'we are waiting for the doctor to say it's OK". Then the doctor is the 'guilty' one - and you have no guilt anyway.
You know he's never coming back home. He doesn't. He never will if you don't tell him. Even if you do tell him, with advanced dementia he won't remember. He may ask you about it, but eventually he'll lose the ability to put the thought together and he'll stop asking.
It's more heartbreaking to you than to him, but please don't feel guilty. There isn't anything you could have done but make sure he's in a safe place and is well cared for. Guilt isn't appropriate; instead, congratulate yourself for seeing this problem through and making the right choice for him. This is a sad journey, and I wish there was something any of us could do to help. Unfortunately, there isn't much to say except that you aren't alone. We've been there too.
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I agree with Fawnby. My mom's 97 and has been in a facility for almost 2 years now. She also has dementia and wanted to go home...The way I handled it was I told her she needed to be released by the Dr,...it wasn't up to me, and that once he says she's able to care for herself, and he releases her...... So my mom's stubborn anyway but eventually she realized she needed to be where she was. I felt it was better to give her hope, even though I knew it would never happen. I know how hard this is. It took her months to even become social with other residents, but I encouraged it and this pst yr, until recently, she did.
Now she's at end of life stages with Hospice onboard. This site has been wonderful and I encourage you to ask away here when you need to. While not everyone agrees with how they see things, everyone has the same intentions,....to help the aging person to evolve as best as possible and as peacefully as possible into this phase of life....and to help you get through it. GodBless
I can’t imagine why you’d tell him at all. With advanced dementia his mind is unfortunately muddled enough without adding upsetting news. Leave him to his beliefs and hope, we all need hope
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do not feel guilty, it is not your fault.
I was in this situation 18 months ago with my dad and it was a very heartbreaking time. No one else was willing to deal with it (mom could not cope and brother was on the other side of the country) so it was on me. I felt strongly that it was an expression of love to not only be there with him but to be honest with him. Up until when he got dementia, he had always been very direct and honest. Meaning he would always say the hard truth while others might pussyfoot around it.
I did not tell him “you are never coming home again.” When he went into a hospice facility and was very mad about it and asked me when he was going home I said, “ It isn’t safe for you at home. You keep trying to stand and falling and hurting yourself and blood everywhere. Do you remember that?” He said yes and asked me why. I said it was because he barely ate or drank water anymore (for years) and he said why again. I said dementia and old age. He then said, “I need to get strong again” and took one sip of his smoothie.
He went back to complaining about how much he hated it there but if he had stayed on “When can I go home” I would have said “if the doctor says you are strong enough” which I knew would not happen.
I listened to his complaints and said I was sorry and then asked him “do you want to hear [favorite music]” and “would you like me to bring XYZ when I come back this afternoon” and such.
Why do you have to tell him? Don't over-explain anything to a dementia patient. There really is no point, as they will not remember later anyway, and especially something they might find upsetting. You will have to explain it again every day, upsetting him over and over again! Don't do that.
You can provide more vague responses, such as "You are here until you recover" or "until the Doctor releases you" or simply steer him to another topic of discussion if he is adamant about returning home. Pretty soon, this will become a familiar environment to him, and he will not think to ask about going home.
With one Exception..... Almost Every Dementia Patient talks about "Going Home". The home they are thinking of could be a childhood home or a place in their past where they felt comfortable. They are looking for comfort, and everything around them feels unfamiliar, even family members they no longer recognize, so wanting to "go home" is all they can think when they are seeking familiarity. Some dementia patients Are In Their Own Home, and still say they want to go home. You can't do anything to fix this, but you can ask them to talk more about their home, their memories, just listen and let them reminisce, even if it is completely inaccurate!
Yes, it IS heartbreaking. The only good thing is that, at this age, it isn't a first heartbreak. It is something that we learn throughout our lives. Remember, you cannot be responsible for things being perfect. They aren't. They never were. They never will be. Mourn this with your loved one, but make no attempt to fix what is unfixable. The end of life is far short of perfection. You can both grieve that. But it will not ever change.
It's their way of saying that they don't want to be in this position, having Alzheimer's or dementia. My sister had my mother put in memory care not too long before covid. My mom always asked about going back home and we told her that people couldn't be moving around and we had to keep her safe. There were times where she was more lucid and she understood that her memory was failing and that she needed to be taken care of. But then she would forget that... So we just kept telling her that it wasn't safe for anyone to travel or for her to go home yet. It is heartbreaking... Everything about dementia and Alzheimer's is unfair and heartbreaking. All we can do is the best we can and try to make them happy for the time that we're with them.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It's more heartbreaking to you than to him, but please don't feel guilty. There isn't anything you could have done but make sure he's in a safe place and is well cared for. Guilt isn't appropriate; instead, congratulate yourself for seeing this problem through and making the right choice for him. This is a sad journey, and I wish there was something any of us could do to help. Unfortunately, there isn't much to say except that you aren't alone. We've been there too.
So my mom's stubborn anyway but eventually she realized she needed to be where she was. I felt it was better to give her hope, even though I knew it would never happen. I know how hard this is. It took her months to even become social with other residents, but I encouraged it and this pst yr, until recently, she did.
Now she's at end of life stages with Hospice onboard. This site has been wonderful and I encourage you to ask away here when you need to. While not everyone agrees with how they see things, everyone has the same intentions,....to help the aging person to evolve as best as possible and as peacefully as possible into this phase of life....and to help you get through it. GodBless
I was in this situation 18 months ago with my dad and it was a very heartbreaking time. No one else was willing to deal with it (mom could not cope and brother was on the other side of the country) so it was on me. I felt strongly that it was an expression of love to not only be there with him but to be honest with him. Up until when he got dementia, he had always been very direct and honest. Meaning he would always say the hard truth while others might pussyfoot around it.
I did not tell him “you are never coming home again.” When he went into a hospice facility and was very mad about it and asked me when he was going home I said, “ It isn’t safe for you at home. You keep trying to stand and falling and hurting yourself and blood everywhere. Do you remember that?” He said yes and asked me why. I said it was because he barely ate or drank water anymore (for years) and he said why again. I said dementia and old age. He then said, “I need to get strong again” and took one sip of his smoothie.
He went back to complaining about how much he hated it there but if he had stayed on “When can I go home” I would have said “if the doctor says you are strong enough” which I knew would not happen.
I listened to his complaints and said I was sorry and then asked him “do you want to hear [favorite music]” and “would you like me to bring XYZ when I come back this afternoon” and such.
You can get through this.
Don't over-explain anything to a dementia patient. There really is no point, as they will not remember later anyway, and especially something they might find upsetting. You will have to explain it again every day, upsetting him over and over again! Don't do that.
You can provide more vague responses, such as "You are here until you recover" or "until the Doctor releases you" or simply steer him to another topic of discussion if he is adamant about returning home. Pretty soon, this will become a familiar environment to him, and he will not think to ask about going home.
With one Exception..... Almost Every Dementia Patient talks about "Going Home". The home they are thinking of could be a childhood home or a place in their past where they felt comfortable. They are looking for comfort, and everything around them feels unfamiliar, even family members they no longer recognize, so wanting to "go home" is all they can think when they are seeking familiarity. Some dementia patients Are In Their Own Home, and still say they want to go home. You can't do anything to fix this, but you can ask them to talk more about their home, their memories, just listen and let them reminisce, even if it is completely inaccurate!
Remember, you cannot be responsible for things being perfect. They aren't. They never were. They never will be.
Mourn this with your loved one, but make no attempt to fix what is unfixable. The end of life is far short of perfection. You can both grieve that. But it will not ever change.
It is heartbreaking... Everything about dementia and Alzheimer's is unfair and heartbreaking. All we can do is the best we can and try to make them happy for the time that we're with them.
See All Answers