I do not exactly know what I am expecting posting this question but how the hell do you manage caregiving and marriage?
My husband and I have been caring for his mother with dementia for 10 years. He will be 36 next year and I will be 35 next year. I hate what our lives have become. I have grown to resent my friends and family for having lives while I feel stuck. To go on a simple week long vacation we have pay around 4k because the only place that will take her for respite care is a high end luxury facility in New York.
We have tried marriage counseling but that is short lived because everyone wants to frame me like I am some monster because I hate his MIL for what her and this disease has done to our lives. I get my husband is trying to do the right thing cause yes his mother would not last a year in a basic facility she is far too high maintenance. She behaves like she thinks she is royalty. Everything has to be done a certain way or she baby rages.
My husband does his fair share but it sucks watching him try because his mother treats him poorly because in her head her son and I are out living our best lives. So he views him as just some stranger that her son is paying for to take care of her.
After 10 years I am at a breaking point. I love my husband and do not want to leave him. He is also right if he just did what is most convenient instead of what was generally the best he would not be the person I loved. His mother is doing well and very healthy outside of her dementia. She still has friends and gets plenty of engagement with her community and social interactions thanks to the efforts of my husband.
Things have gotten worse because I refuse to pretend everything is okay. I tell her every day I hate her. My husband gets annoyed because it does make things awkward because all she wants is to be around me, and she largely ignores him. I wish I could give him whatever she sees in me to him because he wants that relationship with his mother. He still tries to find ways to get his mother back and here is am wishing for her to die because she has made the last 10 years a living hell. I feel caregiving has killed a part of my very soul. I do not even recognize myself in the mirror I feel so hateful and bitter.
My husband is a fair and great man but I hate that he loves his mother so much. I know if he had the money he would place her in the place we put her for respite in a heartbeat we just cannot afford it room and board start at 14k that is not counting care.
My husband refuses to place her in a place he would not feel comfortable living in himself which I get. I did not sign up for this but I figured I could do it, and I did do it. Maybe it is just hormones or what talking because I saw my life vastly different from what it is now. Figured we would have two kids and a house. My husband gave up his dream job to for a job he hates because it pays more.
Sorry for the rant I just hate what it has done to my life and swear if the system cannot provide better for those that did not prepare as a means to punish them for not. That is messed up because it also impacts those that get stuck with the illusion of choice between caring for a parent and watching them suffer. I get it he made his choice but it is not much of a choice.
I think you need to tell him what you have written here. You can’t go on like this. You did it for 10 years (!!!) and you can’t take it anymore. He needs to choose between living with you and living with his mom.
I don’t get why paying for respite care and/or residential care is his/your problem. Does his mom have zero assets and zero income and no Medicare?
I also don’t get how marriage counselors painted you as evil. You have just as many rights and needs as your husband does. The living situation has to work for BOTH of you. His mom is not part of the marriage.
It sounds like he has lack of boundaries and people pleasing /fawning tendencies with his mom. Like he thinks if she is upset, his security is threatened. Maybe she brainwashed him to think her every whim was his command. It’s weird she gravitates more to you.
If you are not able or willing to be clear with your husband and lay it on the line, another approach would be to say I’m taking a full time job and signing up for night classes or taking up hobbies for most of my free time because I can’t stand being in the house with her any longer. But I don’t think that what you really want.
Good luck!
I have been clear with him and he has stepped up it just has only added to my resentment. Since she has taken more of his time away. I have gone back to work which does help me feel a little normal.
Thanks for the Feedback.
He should NEVER be spending your marital income on mother, never. Her income needs to be used for her care and management. If she does not have sufficient income, she applies for Medicaid like the rest of the poor slobs who need care for dementia but can't afford it. She can baby rage till the cows come home too, she'll get over it.
You say your MIL would not last a year in a basic care facility. How do you know that? She's lasted 10 years in your home which sounds like a hostile environment! So many folks make this blanket statement and it's rarely true. My aunt was dying at home in her daughter's home before she was placed in a Medicaid SNF with a roommate. Lo and behold, she perked right up after admittance and went on to live 5 more years!
You have a marriage problem, not a MIL problem. Truthfully, it's not her fault she's living in your home against your wishes, it's DHs fault. He's put his mother above YOU, his wife. And that's not okay.
You are not a monster for feeling the way you do, I'd feel the same way I'm sure. You are young and so is DH. How old is MIL???? With AD, she can live 20 or more years, you know that right?
If I were you, I'd move out of that house and tell DH it's you or his mother, not both. 10 yrs is way more than enough to have devoted to this woman. It's your turn now, for you and DH to have a real marriage or for him to stay devoted to her. He can't have it both ways, imo.
Best of luck to you. Sending you a hug and a prayer for a resolution to this mess.
She gets away with it at the place we send her for respite because the place matches her vision in her mind. A medicaid facility does not plus the level of engagement would be a fraction of what she gets now. I have done my own research and even places I went to tour and visit after explaining the things we do with my MIL they even said they would not even do a fraction of what we do.
She is 72 healthy as an ox outside her dementia.