I know some of you have shared EOL experiences about your loved ones. It seems more of the physical signs of decline shared but what about verbal indications or emotional intentions that you may have experienced before your loved one died? Once working as a teen in a local hospital an elderly man who was scheduled for surgery the next day said to me that he wasn't going to make it. After his surgery the next day he died. It always puzzled me.
My grandma was in hospital for the billionth time. Always had mental faculties. But she was 92, with tons of health issues.
She called me from her hospital bed, calm and lucid. Said she was tired and she loved me. The second I hung up, I knew that I’d just talked to her for the last time. Absolutely knew.
She went comatose the next day; placed in cardiac ICU. She passed peacefully the day after that.
Mom and aunt passed away within 3 weeks and 6 months, respectively
The man who died after the surgery knew in his gut he wouldn't make it, and his time was up. Gut instincts are usually spot on for most of us.
I think it’s self explanatory .
For whatever reason , they are done living . Tired, pain ,illness , immobility , no quality of life , grief , depression. , whatever .
For my Mom it was never ending grief. Not wanting to live without my father . Having to go in assisted living a year after Dad died due to her dementia , because Dad was not home any longer to supervise her .
My Mom also said she would die 2 years after my father because he was two years older than her . She was close . She died 2.5 years after him . The last few months she had been declining and was aware and said she didn’t think she had much time left . She also got remarkably more pleasant towards me and seemed less “ dementia like “, and less of her abusive lifelong narcissism towards me .
Any of the list of losses of aging can make someone feel done .
A gentleman posted here the other day that he saw no reason to live if he could not travel anymore .
For my FIL , he didn’t want to live if he had to be in a wheelchair , that was his last straw . He was also upset about the death of his wife and not being able to travel . Although he did fight to the bitter end . Walked up until about 5 days before he died .
Perhaps , when they decide they are done , some give up and/ or succumb more easily to their ailments , and can feel death coming ?? Idk . On the other hand though , many poor souls linger even when they don’t want to . And others fight death to the bitter end even when they know it’s knocking at the door .
But if your mom does make comments like this ask her if there is anything that she needs to or wants to plan. This can open a whole important discussion for you and her.
What are her wishes?
Does she have a POLST (known by other names in some States) this document goes into detail about what life saving measures you do want and what you don't want.. (anyone over the age of 18 should have one)
I can add to your story about the gentleman dying after surgery. When my Husband, already diagnosed with dementia, was heading into surgery after breaking his hip I told the doctor that my Husband does have dementia, he has a POLST that is signed. The doctor told me that if a person is healthy enough for surgery the POLST is suspended...he then said..no one dies in my operating room...they can die in recovery but not in surgery. I suppose he meant that to lighten the discussion but I had to wonder if they would do CPR on him if it was necessary...I would hate to have had to deal with broken ribs and the possibility of pneumonia.
What do you say? You respond as you would to any statement by anyone.
You might say "I would miss you so much". You might say "I can't understand someone being ready to leave; can you tell me more about why you feel this way?" You might say "What is so tough now that you wish to leave us?" You might say "I am so sorry to hear that".
As to the gentleman who felt he would pass, and did? There are as many who feel they will pass and do not. There are as many who feel they will NEVER die, and they do. So it means absolutely nothing, and is filed under coincidence.
Yes, some people are very attuned to the possibility of their death. I mean, any of us can pass away at any time, but aside from the blanket statements like I mentioned above, it's more about actions - as in, your mom suddenly gives you the family ring that she's had for years or your very non-sentimental dad says "You know, I am really proud of the way you've raised those grand kids of mine".
You'll know the difference when the time comes.
But now just because they are ready to go, doesn't necessarily mean that they will go anytime soon, as only the Good Lord knows the day and time that He will call them Home.
So just enjoy what ever time you may have left with them.
My Grandmother would say this from time to time, in her 90s, once her eyesight faded & she lost abilities for her hobbies. Depression was probably part of that.
I've heard others say that when faced with severe illness or a scary operation looms. More 'acceptance' and they may even voice things like "I've had a good life".
I read about the 8 tasks of life...
Found it! Erikson's 8 stages
#8. Older Adulthood:
Integrity vs. Despair.
Task: To reflect on one's life with a sense of satisfaction and acceptance, leading to wisdom and peace.
(Sadly some stay in regret & never reach it).
My father had dementia and several other terminal medical conditions. He was in home hospice at the end. At one point about four months before he died, he was lying on his back with his arms crossed across his chest with no pillow with his eyes closed. In other words, like a corpse. I came up to his bed and spoke to him. He asked me if he was dying and I said it seemed possible. He said he had had a good life and was ready to go. This gave me some comfort in a way. It confirmed he did not want any medical means to extend his life.
Despite the fact that he was barely eating or drinking he lived another 4 months. He repeatedly asked to be euthanized (his word) and said he had no fear of death. But despite the fact that he lived in a state with MAID he was not considered capable of understanding what he was asking for and so it was not possible. He became more and more thin and frail until he finally passed of aspiration pneumonia.
Though they both voiced their intention to die, they both died lingering miserable deaths. I would have given anything for them to have been able to die with peace and dignity at the time of their choice.