Well... I was considering having children until I started caring for my father because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I was a "late baby" (my brother who committed suicide was even younger... 10 years), so my father was 47 when I was born. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED to reproduce at the age of 38 now for the fear that I will get sick and have kids that resent caring for me.
Then I think I wouldn't be a good mother because I get so frustrated with my father when he doesn't sleep (babies keep you up at night as well), or I snap at him for ...whatever.
Finally, I think about putting a contingency plan together for aging. The short time I had Dad at the Independent Living (IL) facility, I would listen to the elderly parents that put THEMSELVES in the facility so their children could enjoy their freedom--so they wouldn't be a burden to their children. I admit I was a bit jealous. Why can't my Dad do that?
Then I have "angry compassion_ so to speak. Isn't it interesting that if an animal gets to the point where they can't function, they're put down, yet humans can literally suffer for YEARS (patient and caregiver) existing as a fraction of the person they once were.
I get it... it must be horrible to exist without being unable to hear well, see well, move around, remember anything, and be in pain most of the time, but should the caregivers suffer?
NOTE: I'm not advocating euthanizing humans... just making an observation.
...and to top it off, I want to SCREAM the truth at by standers that "commend" me for taking care of Dad. There's nothing commendable about it. I detest it most of the time and feel guilty for feeling that way every day.
....random venting I guess
Thankfully my parents did save for those "rainy days" but they wouldn't blow the dust off their wallets to pay for things that would have made life so much easier for the both of them, and less stress for me.
I think what did it for her was seeing so many people pass away ahead of her. Dad passed away, then his brother 9 months later, whom my mother always loved very much, such a sweet man. Then Dad's sister passed away - Mom had a love-hate relationship with her their entire lives. Mom loved her, but my aunt was a very odd woman and had some odd ways about her - she could treat you lovingly one minute and turn right around and cut you down the next - and be sure to tell everyone about it. When my aunt passed away, it was kind of the last straw for Mom. She fully realized she was the last of their generation in our family, and I think that hit her very hard. She passed away a little over a month after my aunt.
My mother began having serious mobility and balance problems in her late 70s, and she also had cardiovascular disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis and other various ailments. I could not imagine she would live much past the age of 80, since she seemed in poor health even for someone her age. Now she is near 86, and she is weaker and more unstable and needs more help than ever, but does not seem in any danger of dying. I almost want to slit my wrists when I hear of parents living into their mid and late 90s. This is not what I signed up for, at all!!!
Also, watching my Mom's dementia progress makes me feel so very sad... My Mom used to be so sharp. She does have good days where she can be very, very funny but my outlook on the elderly has really changed and not in a good way...
There goes my chance of buying a dune buggy and sunning myself on a beach at Malibu :P That ship had sailed as I am pass the age where I could enjoy doing that. Ok, maybe I will buy an used Jeep Wrangler.... hope I have the strength to take the doors off and enjoy a nice drive. By the way, I am 70 years old, so don't be afraid of the 70's.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not talking about someone going around willy-nilly killing off older people when they reach a certain age. I'm also not talking about someone with dementia who doesn't know what they're saying and asking to die. (Although whether they'd actually know what they're talking about would be difficult to judge.) I'm talking about a human being having the right to make the choice when they are of sound mind, but far less than sound body. Someone who has a terminal disease that has been determined to be fatal, incurable and is causing them great suffering, or their body has just reached the end of what it can do and is giving out - but is taking so long to do it that the person is suffering.
I've already determined that my children will not be providing care for me. I refuse to place them in the caregiver position. Sometime in the next year or so (I'm still relatively young to have been a caregiver, only in my 40s), I will set up arrangements with a trusted party that will take over guardianship and handle finances and place me in a facility when the time comes, if I am unable to place myself first. I hope to be in a position to place myself in assisted living with an option to go into nursing home care on the same property when the time comes, so no one else has to make that choice. If we're not allowed to make the choice of when to die, then at least I will have control over how my last years are spent.
I'll step off my soapbox now - and again, maybe it's not a popular opinion, but I do feel as human beings, we should at least have a choice. We don't have a choice of who we are born to - and for some of us, that's been the bane of our existence (born to dysfunctional or abusive parents and families) - I think we should at least have control over that final aspect of our lives.
I have numerous elders in my family I can compare. Living home alone eventually becomes untenable. For some people that cutoff is 80 or younger, for some it is older. Of my family members who have stayed home, gone to small care "homes" or moved to assisted living, by FAR the one in AL has the highest quality of life and is the happiest....but i
She sugar coated EVERYTHING, even the truth! Taking her to the doctor before I had to move in, the doctor would ask "Norma, what's wrong?" Her response "oh, nothing." I told her that she had to speak up, especially to the medical professional!!!! That fell on deaf ears!!!! Mother and I clashed because we were polar opposites!
We were just a family that kept quiet about our health. I shouldn't complain, I never told my parents I had cancer while I was trying to help them out when they stopped driving.... [sigh]
But I totally agree with your basic premise. I remember one guy who wrote a book about how we should become a nation of caregivers after he took in his demented Mom and cared for her until her death. Turns out he had 24/7 paid nursing care for her. Easy for him to say we should all be doing it - he wasn't doing the hard gritty full-time work that many with fewer resources have to do!
The ones who 'glow' about how great it is/was to care for mom/pop, etc. are usually fortunate enough to have plenty of funds, plenty of help and perhaps a 'shorter overall experience.'
It is never easy for anyone to care for another who is in declining health and who will never get better - but definitely a lot harder for some than for others and therefore a greater negative toll on their lives. I
I think caring for those with cognitive or personality disorders has got to be some of the hardest to deal with. But, I laud ALL CARE GIVERS EVERYWHERE - they are a special breed - usually the kindest hearted of the bunch. Hang in there. You will be changed forever. Hopefully you survive and come through it a better person and not completely burnt out beyond recognition. I pray for all care givers each night. They need all the help they can get. And often, they get NONE. :0/