My husband will be going to a memory care facility and they said maybe not come for a few days till he gets situated. They also suggested he not have a cell phone so he does not call me all day. The care team said give at least 2 months for him to realize this is his new home. He is going to be devastated but I realize this is the best way. Has this worked for others in this situation and can you give any tips to better help the situation?
Working in the field, Yes, I've been told the same from care centers:
give the person time to adjust. To my amazement, it did work with my client who was very volatile / triggered. She adjusted and built positive relationships with the staff.
Personally, I believe this needs to be a personal decision.
- If you feel strongly about it, perhaps instead of visiting every (other) day, try once a week for 1/2 hour. See what feels right.
- You could also tell him that you are away for a couple of weeks (visiting family in another state?) and then he will forget.
- You can always give him H O P E by saying 'soon.' I am coming over soon. Then he will forget.
You will want to create hiss room to reflect furnishings as he has at home so it feels more 'like home' to him. Have LOTS of family photos in his room.
* Try as many distractions as possible - sports? books of gardens? whatever he is / was interested in.
* Staff knows how to manage new residents. They will (should) give him the attention he needs.
* Call staff daily (?) as you need to - to check in on him (w/o talking to him) to ease your stress and sadness.
* Consider hiring a massage therapist (or volunteer) for easy, gentle touch. Could just be a hand or foot massage (or head). Touch is so important and may help during the transition. (I am a massage therapist).
I honestly believe he will adjust with time. Equally, the transition (any change) is difficult and heart wrenching. In some situations, there is no easy way out. It hurts and one can be overwhelmed with sadness and grief. We must feel through these feeligs to get to the other side. You will. He will.
We are here for you.
Gena / Touch Matters
One time, Dad had a portable landline phone but he would forget to hang up the phone, and to put it back into the cradle to re-charge. He would also forget where he had left the phone. At least with the landline phone there is no charging or misplacing the phone.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
My MIL is 90 year old and not in memory care but in a facility where residents are told not to have their cell phones. It was cruel and inhumane. She had all of her children and grandchildren programmed into the cell so she could call.
Now she has to pull out her address book and use the old school dial up in her room to call the children and grandchildren.
I'd give him the phone.
Let him have his phone though. He will probably call you continually because you are as Grandma1954 states his "safe person". You don't have to take every call from him. You don't have to be on the phone with him for hours either. Take one call a day from him for a few minutes. Or one call every other day or however many you are comfortable with. You know your husband better than the staff of the memory care facility. It's also a good idea about letting the phone battery die too. Then the calls stop and when you visit in a couple weeks, you can charge the phone.
I'm so sorry you're going through this process of having a loved one with dementia. It's never easy to place a person. Make sure you give yourself some kindness too.
Placing someone in MC or any facility is a difficult, heart wrenching decision.
the staff has done this before so they have a good idea what it takes to get someone settled.
If you want to visit before the suggested time maybe you can sneak in and observe from an area where he will not see you. If that will make you feel comfortable.
Maybe with the phone if you think he really "needs" it, if he carries it everywhere and leaving it upsets him, maybe let the battery die so he can't make calls. then when you do visit you can bring the charger.
It will take him a while to realize this is now "home"
Do expect him to decline simply because of the fact that he has moved to a new location and he is without you, his "safe person". He may return to his baseline cognition but maybe not.
I would also say expect him to come down with a cold or flu. A new germ pool his body has to get used to. Kinda like most kids get sick the first few weeks when school starts.