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At this point of life, I think that’s when assisted suicide or a type of euthanization should be authorized by the patient or executor (HER POA) by two doctors. Sorry, it’s just no use keeping anyone alive if the patient is too unproductive and it’s also very expensive to use up beds from anyone who functions better. One way or the other, it’s going to cost money. Why not go to the so-called easier way out??

On my own health directive, it’s to not prolong life if on life support. It should also be to not prolong suffering and burdens.
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AnnaKat Apr 5, 2025
I agree with you. I too I have in my directive not to prolong my life, and should my mind go and assisted suicide/euthanasia be available, I want it.
Dementia strips one of all dignity and causes one to be a burden, while the sufferer is confused and often scared and agitated. I wouldn't left a pet suffer like this. Why can't a dignified death be offered to humans, especially if, while they are still in possession of their faculties, they state the desire to be let go when the quality of life is lost?
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Two things first, The WICK Urinal system and Depends Diapers. Please look into both. Unless I'm totally crazy, somewhere on this string I read your husband didn't want to lose his mother's estate inheritance. If the estate is sizeable, it may be worth all your trouble to keep caring for her, but many people are naive about the real value of estates. If you're using your money instead of your MIL's for her care, you're foolish. Your own money spent on her is GONE, her estate will be estate taxed galore before you ever get your hands on any of it. Run down the estate value before spending any of your own for her needs. Many don't realize the estate reward is shockingly less than anticipated. Find a facility for your MIL which doesn't charge a huge entrance fee, and just make monthly payments out of her assets for her stay in the facility. The very fact that I think I'd read about her having some property/assets tells me she won't qualify for Medicaid oriented facility placement, so don't expect her move to be cheap, but you can still opt for value with the lowest cost available if you do some homework.
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So MIL has money and an "estate?" Tell your husband you can no longer do the lifting and it is breaking your back.

Use MIL's money and her "estate" to hire professional CNA's. The ones we had were really really good. Specify you want CNA's that have done extensive nursing home work (not unskilled home workers.)

Our in home CNA's were really good about hygiene. They always wore gloves. They did toileting/depends. They did daily bed baths. They lotioned Mom's body after the bed baths. They repositioned Mom every 2 hours. They did Mom's laundry. They laundered her sheets and night gowns. They assisted her with eating.

Mom's room always smelled fresh. They took the trash out to the trash can in the garage. If there was a bm they acted on it quickly and professionally, cleaned it up, sprayed lysol and cracked a window a couple of inches.

I think Mom really enjoyed the daily bed baths and all of the lotions.

The CNA's were very hygienic. They requested latex gloves, we had safe soap for washing, certain lotions, baby oil, and vaseline. Any product they requested I bought. Everything was very hygienic.

Since you and your husband overnight in the home you can probably get by with scheduling them 8 or 10 or 12 hours a day.

Make sure Mom's room has a comfortable chair for them to sit in during their shift. Give them the WiFi code. We set up a dorm frig and a $69 microwave in Mom's room.

Also, consider going back to work in an office/RN setting. My town has a lot of these jobs. Or pick up an RN job that is 1-2 days a week. We had a hospice home care RN come around to the house and she was in her 80's. She was cute as a button. Why are you doing CNA work when you could get paid for RN work a day or two a week? Tell your husband you are going back to work.
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Yes, I have hit the wall. If its not my bedbound MIL(89) then its my wife(69) who has aggressive rheumatoid arthritis. She isn't getting any better. She can't help me with her mother. I still work and I love where I'm working. I tell them both to quit hollering for stuff but they still do it anyway.

Right now doing this in our home has been affordable for us. My MIL has nothing but SS, My wife only has SS and I have a pension, a current job and SS. Casual in home help is almost completely undependable.

I've been wondering what my life will be like when they're both gone. Will I be some kind of wreck who'll need care as well? I guess I need to start planning for that...

Just put me in a little room and make sure it has a piano in it.

In answer to the original question: I don't know when that will be and the end is not in sight.
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Wow, I just read your April 4th update below. Wow, you have an extraordinarily greedy and selfish husband. Enslaving you, ruining your home and your home life, and skimping on care for his own mother, just to inherit some money.

You and he feel “entitled” to her estate? How much is this estate? Does your MIL have a valid will that leaves everything to you?
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MG8522 Apr 28, 2025
To clarify, I mean does your MIL’s will
leave everything to YOU, since you are the one doing all the caregiving, not your husband. If the money is going to your husband, will he give the bulk of it to YOU? What does her will say? You can’t just declare that you and your husband feel “entitled” to her money. You have to do exactly what the will says. If there is no will, state law will dictate, and that means your husband and any siblings will get equal shares.

But while she’s living it is HER money. She deserves adequate, healthy care, not being trapped in someone’s poop-scented living room. Tell your cheapskate husband to use some of his future inheritance to pay for some Depends so you are no longer literally trapped by your MIL’s bladder.
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YOU are doing the caregiving for your MIL because your husband thinks there is going to be a payoff when she dies?
Well I hate to break it to you sweetie this forum is filled with people that thought the vary same thing.
There is no guarantee that your husband will get anything. Please read that again...YOUR HUSBAND. And you may not be entitled to a dime of that.

(by the way you should not hire a caregiver while you go on your girlfriends trip. Let hubby do all that you have been doing.
And if a caregiver is hired I hope that MIL is going to pay for the services!)
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