I visited my mom this week. Her neighbor usually leaves the door open to her apartment. So does my mom and others as well. During my time with my mom, the daughter of the neighbor was visiting. Things between mom and daughter got VERY heated. Daughter was blaming mom for everything wrong that happened in the family. Every word could be heard. I walked across the hall and asked them to please shut the door for their sake of privacy. I told the daughter we could hear every word they said (or screamed). The daughter glared at me and then shut the door. The whole thing was weird.
Yes, my mom could have shut her door. But shouldn’t the ALF residents have some consideration for others, especially when heated conversations come up?
We had the misfortune of having to place my narcissistic, abusive FIL in 2023 and I can tell you that things did not get better for us as far as the abuse. He did not care one whit that people could hear him or for his privacy when he wanted to provide "feedback" on how we had "dumped" him there (we did not), how awful things were there (they were not), how his children were evil and he was ashamed to be their father - because "good" children would take him home, how we had BETRAYED him, abandoned him etc.
He INTENTIONALLY did this to provoke and it was next to impossible to have any kind of civil conversation with him when we visited. It got to the point that if he started, we left. If WE raised our voices or tried to match his energy - WE looked like bad people. So we just stopped engaging with him. We would sit and let him watch tv and we would all talk to each other. Anything else just provoked him, (and even that did sometimes).
Especially in a residential setting, sometimes things can get heated. Unless you are afraid for the safety of the resident or your loved one - it's better to just stay out of it. If you are afraid you should notify the staff.
And if two doors are open and you are bothered - you have to be the one to close your door. Yes, they probably should have closed their door. But at the same time - it would have been easier to close yours.
If anything, I could give her this piece of paper with agingcare.com on it and tell her she's a caregiver that could use some help.
Some residents keep their doors open to let others know it's acceptable to stop by and visit when passing. I found it reminded me of living in a college dormitory years ago.
My Mom chose to keep her door closed and socialize in common areas or invite others for company.
In a side note, she had wind chimes that hung from the ceiling at her door so the top of the door brushed against the chimes as it opened, letting her know if any employees came in using the passkey. She did insist that folks knocked first.
I live in a home community which is located next door to a condo. You should hear some of the fights that go on over there. Do you think people care who hears them when they're in the heat of an argument??
I should add that growing up I knew the family. I should have known better that some things never change!
I would have summoned the help in the ALF so that they could handle this situation.
Short of that being the solution I would have shut our door and called to the desk for help.
The best solution is always for protection when/if needed (for instance the mom from her daughter's out of control anger) and then also maintaining your own safe space and privacy by closing your own door.
If this typically happens with the visits of this particular daughter to this particular mother, to be honest it is abusive. At that point I would request a visit to the admins in person and would let them know the times and the dates that you heard shouting that sounded, in your opinion, abusive, and that was also upsetting to your own mother and other residents.
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You and mom could have taken a walk to one of the common rooms and had a visit there, maybe grab a coffee and an ice cream and carry on with your visit.
The fact that your mom and her neighbor both chose to leave their doors open negates any level of privacy.