My husband (71) has been bipolar all his life and now that he has Alzheimer’s his behavior has become much worse. He snaps at me for no reason and then criticizes me for things that didn’t even happen. It continues for hours and sometimes for days, at times he becomes violent. My problem is that I don’t know what to do when this happens. I’m afraid that any move I make may irritate him more. Not knowing how to react when this happens I get scared and freeze while he continues to badger me.
Which is the best way for me to respond when I receive his verbal abuse? Should I agree with him and tell him I was wrong? Should I apologize for something that never happened? Should I pamper him? Should I not make any moves and just let him continue criticizing and insulting? I heard it was best not to argue and try to correct things, so I try to stay away from doing so. But what CAN I do I calm him and stop his violence?
I can’t go away since I fear leaving him home alone, especially when he’s angry. I hired for assistance last year but it did no good. In front of other people my husband is a different person like Jekly & Hyde. I got some free time when I hired, but what I need to know is how I handle his outbursts when there is no one to help me? What are the best way to respond and the best thing to do when he flares up in order to help his anger go away?
PLEASE get professional help for him. He needs to be in a facility where he can hopefully be brought under control. I wish you the best. Take care of YOU! Someone else will take care of him.
In the short-term, the best strategy is to do your best to IGNORE his angry outbursts and walk away when the occur, as they are not about you - but all about the disease process.
As others have mentioned, you need to keep a documented "log" of his behaviors.
Your husband is becoming a danger to others - and may need to be placed into a facility where they know how to "manage" his behaviors.
Your statement indicates that your husband has control of his behavior. If he did NOT have full control, he couldn't have pulled off a "Jekyl & Hyde". He'd be either Jekyl all of the time or Hyde all of the time, but he wouldn't be capable of pulling off both in order to fool other people.
The very best advice for you is to make some sort of arrangements, if you can, and LEAVE. Lots of women in your situation have stayed, hoping to assuage the anger and end up brutally beaten or dead.
You'll never be able to assuage your husband's anger because that's part of the game for him. He WANTS to bully and belittle. It won't get better, it will only get worse.
Do you have any friends or family? Money or assets separate from his that would help you make a clean break? There are always women's shelters and they may be able to assist you.
But, paramount to all else, if you should decide to leave and make plans to do so, you can NEVER tell him because that's when most abusers turn deadly. If you you're not in a position to properly plan an exit, call the police and explain, ask them for an escort out of the house and to a woman's shelter. Again, don't tell your husband, obviously, that you've called the police. Just wait and let them get there, then make your exit.
Good luck.
Abuse is abuse no matter what source it comes from, it feels the same to the person taking the abuse. I’ve been where you are. The first time in my husband’s early days of the disease he choked me and apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. But as time went on it did happened again. Not on a daily basis, but enough for me to know to be careful. As his disease progressed he would at times become more aggressive. I learned to be agreeable, smile, don’t challenge or debate, apologize, etc. I then decided I did not want to live out the rest of my life like this, so I developed an exit plan the next time this aggression and abuse occurred. I decided to keep my car keys on me at all times (even at my beside). The last time he became aggressive was a bad day for him. I could see it coming. He had defecated on himself and refused to change, snarled at me all day. I knew this was going to be it for me. Not only did I have to take on all the responsibility for him, my home and lastly myself, I now am being told that I have to learn and add to all this responsibility how to manage abusive behavior, incontinence and defecation. I think not. So this time during his aggression I was loving, gentle, apologized, smiled so he would not continue to escalate, and as I smiled, I edged close to my garage, opened the door, jumped in my car, locked my doors, drove down the street and called 911 and he has been in a facility ever since. It was a hard decision because I love him so much, but it was best for him and me. I had a loving marriage of 50+ years but I refused to continue to sacrifice myself in the name of love. I no longer walk on egg shelves, sleep with one eye open, smile when all else fails etc. It’s been 3 months now since he was admitted to the Nursing home and the meds seem to be working and I thank God I was able to get out and let the professionals deal with where his disease is now. I wish you the best of luck and my prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.
You don’t deserve to be abused. It’s hard to deprogram ourselves when we are stuck in one gear, but it’s imperative that you try.
Perhaps you can benefit from contacting a battered women’s group, these women have been emotionally and physically abused and have lived in terror.
There are others who were once stuck because of various tactics used by abusers to trap a person. It’s mind control, a form of brainwashing.
None of these women got out of their situations without bearing scars. We can live with scars.
We may not survive continual wounds. Please reach out to a social worker that has helped people like you.
Wishing you nothing but the best and hoping that you will have peace and joy after this is all behind you. You deserve to be happy.
If he's getting violent, you're going to get hurt. Might be time to start looking for placement and when things get out of hand, call an ambulance to get him to hospital. Much easier to release to facility from hospital than it is from home. People, who will help write placement eval, tend to think as long as he's at home he is safe, taken care of, etc and not an urgent matter to deal with.
If he's getting violent, you're going to get hurt. Might be time to start looking for placement and when things get out of hand, call an ambulance to get him to hospital. Much easier to release to facility from hospital than it is from home. People, who will help write placement eval, tend to think as long as he's at home he is safe, taken care of, etc and not an urgent matter to deal with.
Step outside to call the ambulance so he does not hear you talking and really get angry and hurt you before help can arrive.
unusual behaviour. It’s hard to put someone in a nursing home but it’s for your protection as well as theirs.
if the meds don’t work, then it’s time to find him professional nursing home care, to protect yourself because your life matters too.
it’s much easier to visit anger then to live with it.