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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Both parents walk with a walker and wear adult diapers for incontinence issues. Father has advanced congestive heart failure which is managed by meds. My mother has diabetes and requires twice daily insulin injections. Dad has very mild dementia.
Here we go again....another couple of elders who made no plan for care in their old age other than their children, who already have enough on their plates.
This was wrong on their parts. It is not okay for elders to throw up their hands, expect their grown kids to step in and look after them to the detriment of their own lives and families, and go, "Oh, here we are, we can't walk, get to the bathroom, figure out our medicine, drive or get to the store so it's our kids' job!"
No, it isn't. Let them flounder about for a bit, explain their options (and none of which is you destroying YOUR life to make theirs HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY, which they will never be anyway).
When you and the rest of the family insist on living your own lives as you choose, they'll get the idea. Hopefully, while one or both of them has enough brain power left, they'll hire an aide or sell their house and go to Shady Palms Assisted Living,, where they can live their best lives and so can you without the burden of their care wrapped in a stranglehold around your neck.
My husband and I are elders of an advanced age and would never shift the responsibility of our old age care upon others. I'm so sick of hearing these sad stories where sick old parents ruin their grown kids' lives when they should have made another plan. Horrible.
Good job finding this forum and asking the question at this point.
There is great advice here about not propping up your parents. Please follow it and then stick to your guns.
Alternatively, the years will slip by and your parents will still end up in AL at best, or a SNF after a medical catastrophe. In the meantime, you'll spend increasing amounts of time, energy, and money propping them up so they can stay in their house because it seems like the right thing to do. In the process, your health, marriage, and friendships will all suffer while you habitually cancel, miss, or leave early from vacations, parties, and holidays because a parent is having an emergency or simply calls begging "Please come over! We need your help!" I'm sorry to be blunt about that.
Plus, your parents will have a better quality of life in AL or at least with a home healthcare aid because they will receive more care than you can provide. Think of it as helping them to thrive not just survive.
The best way to convince your parents that they need more help than what they're admitting, is to quit propping them up in any way. If there is anything that you now do for them, just stop doing it, and soon enough they will realize that they need way more help than they thought. Otherwise you just have to wait until an "incident" happens as sooner or later it will, and then things will have to change whether they like it or not.
As usual, you are completely right. As long as the children provide the help free, no movement will be made toward a parent paying for a real solution.
I really wish I could have persuaded my sisters to quit doing Mom's housework for her. They complained about how difficult it was to do their own and hers as well. However, they simply wouldn't stop doing it. If they had just stopped, told Mom that the additional work was too hard on their backs and knees (it was), Mom would have either hired help or gone to assisted living. They couldn't bring themselves to "abandon" Mom that way and she wouldn't spend a penny that she didn't have to. That continued for years, until Mom's death.
You can't. Some will tell you to call APS, but they do very little, if anything at all. My aunt refuses, also. Sometimes you just have to step back and let them fail.
I hate to say this but... If your parents are legally cognizant If your parents are not an actual danger to themselves, each other or others You may have to wait for the proverbial "catastrophic" event that will force some decision on their part. What you can do is maybe have a discussion like this... "Mom, Dad, I know you do not want help in the house, I know you don't want to move to "Sunny Farm Community" so what I need to know is if something happens to either one of you what do you want me to do? At this point you go over Advance Directives, Where they would want to go for Rehab if that is needed.
AND...If you are doing ANYTHING to make them feel like they are independent then you stop propping them up. If you have been helping with laundry, cleaning, shopping, making meals STOP. These are all things that would be taken care of if they were in Assisted Living or if they had a caregiver a few hours each week. ( It would not have to be daily unless they need that it could be 5 or 6 hours 3 days a week whatever works for their schedule)
I agree with Grandma1954! I'm learning the hard way to step back from my emotions and the FOG, (Fear, Obligation, Guilt,) so that she can see (maybe?) just how incapable she is these days without my help. I also plan to bring in the help as my "friend" who is there to help *me* to help her, so hopefully she'll be more willing to accept.
There is very little you can do. Being their child (both literally and figuratively in their eyes) you have very little say of what they take into consideration. Welcome to the club and hugs for all your worry.
Sadly, it will take an emergency for them to recognize that they need assistance. Or if the emergency is severe they will be forced into a higher level of care.
It isn't easy for anyone but it is the honest truth.
If your mother doesn't have dementia having her doctor tell them they must have homecare coming might do it.
If not, you should do as others have suggested and stop propping up their false sense of independence by doing for them. Don't do anything for them for a few days or a few weeks depending on how long it takes to wear down the asinine stubbornness.
Many times our seniors have to learn this way by being taught a practical lesson. Or in other words, they have to learn the hard way.
So make yourself scarce and unavailable for a while. If one of them needs something tell them no and press the point about them needing homecare. Then take that step back and let them fail as Tiredniece23 writes in her comment.
Don't allow them to refuse. With our late father, we found three assisted living centers thst would be suitable. We let him visit each one, and then told him he had to choose the one he liked the best. He could no longer stay with my brother, his wife, and daughters. Brother had his own business, his wife had a job, one of their daughters was in college, and the other in high school with a part-time job. He wasn't happy about it, but appreciated that we let him pick the one he preferred.
Your advice below is great, and I've nothing to add but to say that eventually, this being such a common problem for the progeny of seniors, it will come to a head when one or both end up hospitalized. That's the time to work hard with the discharge planning social workers in hospital or rehab to get the help they need. I am not sure in-home would work, because with the incontinence issues they likely need 24/7 care now, but anything would help. Good luck, Victoria.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
This was wrong on their parts. It is not okay for elders to throw up their hands, expect their grown kids to step in and look after them to the detriment of their own lives and families, and go, "Oh, here we are, we can't walk, get to the bathroom, figure out our medicine, drive or get to the store so it's our kids' job!"
No, it isn't. Let them flounder about for a bit, explain their options (and none of which is you destroying YOUR life to make theirs HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY, which they will never be anyway).
When you and the rest of the family insist on living your own lives as you choose, they'll get the idea. Hopefully, while one or both of them has enough brain power left, they'll hire an aide or sell their house and go to Shady Palms Assisted Living,, where they can live their best lives and so can you without the burden of their care wrapped in a stranglehold around your neck.
My husband and I are elders of an advanced age and would never shift the responsibility of our old age care upon others. I'm so sick of hearing these sad stories where sick old parents ruin their grown kids' lives when they should have made another plan. Horrible.
There is great advice here about not propping up your parents. Please follow it and then stick to your guns.
Alternatively, the years will slip by and your parents will still end up in AL at best, or a SNF after a medical catastrophe. In the meantime, you'll spend increasing amounts of time, energy, and money propping them up so they can stay in their house because it seems like the right thing to do. In the process, your health, marriage, and friendships will all suffer while you habitually cancel, miss, or leave early from vacations, parties, and holidays because a parent is having an emergency or simply calls begging "Please come over! We need your help!" I'm sorry to be blunt about that.
Plus, your parents will have a better quality of life in AL or at least with a home healthcare aid because they will receive more care than you can provide. Think of it as helping them to thrive not just survive.
If there is anything that you now do for them, just stop doing it, and soon enough they will realize that they need way more help than they thought.
Otherwise you just have to wait until an "incident" happens as sooner or later it will, and then things will have to change whether they like it or not.
I really wish I could have persuaded my sisters to quit doing Mom's housework for her. They complained about how difficult it was to do their own and hers as well. However, they simply wouldn't stop doing it. If they had just stopped, told Mom that the additional work was too hard on their backs and knees (it was), Mom would have either hired help or gone to assisted living. They couldn't bring themselves to "abandon" Mom that way and she wouldn't spend a penny that she didn't have to. That continued for years, until Mom's death.
My aunt refuses, also. Sometimes you just have to step back and let them fail.
If your parents are legally cognizant
If your parents are not an actual danger to themselves, each other or others
You may have to wait for the proverbial "catastrophic" event that will force some decision on their part.
What you can do is maybe have a discussion like this...
"Mom, Dad, I know you do not want help in the house, I know you don't want to move to "Sunny Farm Community" so what I need to know is if something happens to either one of you what do you want me to do?
At this point you go over Advance Directives, Where they would want to go for Rehab if that is needed.
AND...If you are doing ANYTHING to make them feel like they are independent then you stop propping them up. If you have been helping with laundry, cleaning, shopping, making meals STOP. These are all things that would be taken care of if they were in Assisted Living or if they had a caregiver a few hours each week. ( It would not have to be daily unless they need that it could be 5 or 6 hours 3 days a week whatever works for their schedule)
I'm learning the hard way to step back from my emotions and the FOG, (Fear, Obligation, Guilt,) so that she can see (maybe?) just how incapable she is these days without my help.
I also plan to bring in the help as my "friend" who is there to help *me* to help her, so hopefully she'll be more willing to accept.
Sadly, it will take an emergency for them to recognize that they need assistance. Or if the emergency is severe they will be forced into a higher level of care.
It isn't easy for anyone but it is the honest truth.
If not, you should do as others have suggested and stop propping up their false sense of independence by doing for them. Don't do anything for them for a few days or a few weeks depending on how long it takes to wear down the asinine stubbornness.
Many times our seniors have to learn this way by being taught a practical lesson. Or in other words, they have to learn the hard way.
So make yourself scarce and unavailable for a while. If one of them needs something tell them no and press the point about them needing homecare. Then take that step back and let them fail as Tiredniece23 writes in her comment.
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